|Reviews for Shamanics|
| Genesee Paws 8/28/12 . chapter 5
only one revue per chapter, - so I shall put it here.
Oh, so well done. I thought the denouement was perfect but the I would have ordered the wrap up differently, leaving the return to the city in doubt while finishing up in the Forest, then returning attention to the city. I see why you chose to show Uema doing well as shaman, but I think we disagree on the pacing for it. Perhaps your way is better, the story was wonderful.
| Genesee Paws 8/28/12 . chapter 6
Ooops, got one; Mase's eyes were wide and fearful as her lay belly up, suspended over empty air. I think you mean he lay belly up?
| C. Tattiana H-H 7/19/10 . chapter 1
Excellent first sentence. It really set the atmosphere quite nicely. This whole first paragraph is wonderful, actually. You describe everything in such a way that you make it impossible for me not to feel like I’m right there. Your wording was perfect and it really solidified the setting for me.
With such a rewarding subject to discuss, all one needed was a good meal, a bottle of something barrel-aged and mellow and a comfortable place to enjoy them in.
-Personal/Edit?: Perhaps a comma after “mellow” would help with the flow. For a moment there, I didn’t realize “mellow” was a partner description of “bottle-aged”.
The first part of this chapter is really quite interesting. I felt like I was being transported into a foreign environment, and I was incredibly curious as to what they were doing out there. I did find it a little difficult to picture each character, but that’s okay, it’s early in the story. I must say you have some interesting names here. I’ve never heard of them before; so bonus points for uniqueness.
In the third part of this story you describe the setting again really well. Everything is clear in my mind and I feel like I’m out of my normal comfort zone. This is such a great way to begin a story. Because I’m introduced to such foreign characters and settings, I’m all the more interested in finding out and reading more. The pacing is wonderful as well, because it moves in perfect sync with the environment. Because it’s hot outside and they’re wading through a heavily forested area, and the pace is in sync with that, I can really feel like I’m one of the academics, trudging alongside with them.
The fourth part was quite a surprise. Hens? My goodness, that was interesting. Ha-ha. I certainly wasn’t expecting that. I enjoyed the description of the tribal patriarch. It was great that you said his feathers were ragged with possibly age and stress, and then went even further to describe his beak as being worn and chipped. I thought that rounded out his description nicely, and made it easy for me to picture him. I even liked how he appeared to consider their trespassing merely a trivial matter; merely “hand-wav[ing]” the conversation since he had “no time for [their] diversion.” I thought it was an interesting scene.
I especially enjoyed the scene with the medicine woman. I thought her behaviour was incredibly interesting, and your descriptions were perfect. I particularly enjoyed the line “...and wore the sourest facial expression the academics had seen yet” as well as the part where she “betray[s] no opinion” and “offers only the most cursory of glances.” I thought those lines were incredibly well written, and made it rather easy for me to picture everything.
Overall, I thought this was a highly creative piece – or first chapter, although I have a feeling I will be impressed with your creativity in the future chapters, as well. You have a way with words that I quite enjoy. You phrase things in such creative ways, and your writing is very refined. The pace felt a little slow, but it worked because of the environment they were in. I didn’t feel it was too slow, I must clarify; so I quite enjoyed being slowly led through this first chapter. Your characters appear to be well thought out, and I like the diversity among them.
I apologize again for taking so long to repay your reviews. I'll be working on some for HtbHx4 today, so hopefully I should have some more for you by the end of the day. :)
| RavenclawRebel 2/20/10 . chapter 1
I actually really like this. I love the description in it, and it is a good idea for a story. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.
| S. M. Saves 1/23/10 . chapter 6
"But, to Rannock's amazement, Mase didn't fall.": Oh my gawd! You are so sneaky! I hate you! (Nah, just kidding. But seriously, I thought he was going to fall all the way back down. That's how awesome that last cliffie was.)
"hand-axe": a better word would probably be "hatchet".
"it'd only not taken longer because of Mase's determination not to hold them up.": Only not whatta? O.o Do you mean it "hadn't taken them longer" or "it would have taken them longer if it hadn't been" because of Mase's determination. (After rereading my review, I realized how it was supposed to be read. I assume you mean the "only" reason why "it'd not taken longer". I get it. Ignore what I was babbling on about.)
Ponre and Odu have a past? Oh my. You could write an entire story around that.
Gah! It's over? Oh no!
And here I go to critize the ending. The third to last section would have made a nicer ending. It just sounded more final than the scene at the academy. "Outside, phosphorescent insects chased each other among the leaves and eyed the stars with the wonder of mortals venerating gods.": It has a certain ring to it. You could recycle the scene with Uema by placing it before the restaurant scene. Or you could end with that scene depending on what mood you want to go for. Ending with the academics toasting would end with a positive ring. Ending with Uema preparing the "death" ceremony would end with an eerie ring, and remind the readers of the lie she was living. The academy seems like too much of a lead in to your other story "Academy Year 7" and I'm not sure if it really fits. Sure, it works like a epilogue of sorts but I guess it just drags out the ending longer than it should be. (Am I making any sense whatsoever?)
Overall, I like where the story went. The only thing that needs work is the academics' introductions at the beginning and you should be good to go. :) Thanks for the lovely read!
S. M. Saves
| S. M. Saves 1/23/10 . chapter 5
Oh, if only you could have seen the huge smile that crossed my face when Uema found them. I was so happy! This story is on a roll now. I literally cannot stop reading.
I didn't find any errors, major or minor. I was surprised by Mase's, er, colorful vocabulary at the end though when he was trying to climb. But I guess when you're in that kind of pain, nice words fail to describe it. :D
Oh! There is one thing. They booted Ponre out into enemy territory but I was surprised that there wasn't more of a sense of urgency. If she was discovered by the Cangi, then technically it would be over for her and the academics if she didn't get to tell Uema about the secret exit. Maybe describe how eerily quiet it was or have Ponre dread over being discovered by the Cangi before she could speak to Uema.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 1/22/10 . chapter 2
Well, it seems that this chapter did have a certain impact in furthering the plot with the war over the drinkable water. I truly wonder how that will pan out. As for Uema, I truly wonder if you will make her into a vital character given the short chapter nature of this story. As for Ponre, it's interesting to see her own inner struggles and make her seem more humane than just a mere cardboard cut out. I truly hope that this aspect of the story won't be a one shot wonder. In a very real sense, her sense of helplessness here reminds me of Fubuki of the Samurai Deeper Kyo manga. Anyway, given the short chapter span of this story, I'll be wondering what will be in store next. Sorry if this review is uber short. My brain has gone bzt over the impact of my first job interview earlier today. :S
P.S: Pay back this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)
- From The Roadhouse. :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 1/19/10 . chapter 1
Herro there from The Roadhouse. :) Well, it's interesting to see tha you're basing your works in one single world. It's not every day I've seen that. With that being said, this was an interesting start to the story. In a very real sense, it seems like the age old plot of foreign explorers getting caught by the natives. I truly wonder why Rannock and co are after the spiders though. Yeah I know about their properties here. What I mean is the reason behind why they're doing so. For research or something bigger? That will be interesting to see. With that being said, I wonder what will happen next. Sorry if this review is short. Getting a bit sleepy now. :S
P.S: Pay back this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)
-From The Roadhouse. :)
| YasuRan 1/15/10 . chapter 5
Damn, I was rooting for Mase to get up to the top as well D:. For some reason, I found the descriptions of the characters climbing to be quite enjoyable, like how you described the movement of tails and limbs, etc. It will be sad to see this come to an end, seeing as I enjoyed this story more than I thought I would.
Keep writing, 'kay?
| S. M. Saves 1/13/10 . chapter 4
"Semper'd had to lean forward": Does there need to be a " 'd " after Semper's name?
"It appeared to have done.": Do you mean "It appeared to have done so" or something to that extent?
"Where'd his friend go in all this drama?": So, yeah, this is really nit-picky, but don't you think "drama" is a bit of an understatement? Try "commotion" or "chaos".
I don't know which chapter was more exciting, this one or the one prior to it. I'm so happy Mase is alright. I don't know how I would have reacted if you had sacraficed him for the cause.
With that said, I feel like I'm bonding with your main characters now. I wasn't able to say this after reading the first two chapters but with the additional focus on them, it makes them worth worrying over. Rannock and Mase are my favorites although Ponre rocks too. ;) I hope they catch up to her once they get out.
A lot has happened during these four chapters. I'm really getting into this which is surprising because I had put my fantasy days behind me. I can't wait to find out what happens next!
| S. M. Saves 1/13/10 . chapter 3
I feel better about the four academics now. So let's see if I have this somewhat right. Shye is the canine and seems a bit impulsive (as shown when he tried to go through the tunnel with the blade). He's not as experienced as the other three probably because he's young but his intentions are good. He's certainly no dead weight. Rannock is the awesome reptile man. I already have that down. :) Mase is the walking dictionary although I'm not exactly sure what he is species-wise (a chout?). He and Rannock seem to be the most experienced and are good at thinking things through. Semper (I'm not sure what his species looks like either) is between Mase/Rannock and Shye personality-wise. He knew how to test for a trap. I see him as the Indiana Jones of the group. XD
This chapter was so intense. It flashed by so quickly, it was a shock when I got to the end, both in the sense that I was so into the chapter and that the chapter kind of dropped out of sight. It was a cliffhanger. I was left wanting more but to be hit with the TO BE CONTINUED after hearing the young witchdoctor call out kind of dulled the effect. Maybe switch the last two paragraphs so you end with the line "Mase squeezed out from between Semper and Rannock and dashed back down the tunnel. "Shye! Come with me!"". It's probably just me but I'm more interested in what Mase has planned than if Uema is going to help them or not.
Grr. Ganth, I'd love to punch that guy in the face. What a jerk! ;)
The traps were neat to read about especially with the way you described them. The sludge pit with the carnivorous bugs sounded especially nasty. The details made everything easier to imagine.
I'm going to gander down to the next chapter.
| S. M. Saves 1/11/10 . chapter 2
I had to read two chapters to become fully oriented with this story. Forgive me but I outgrew my fantasy phase years ago.
I'll start with the minor things and it's merely one thing. Your use of semi-colons. I'll admit, grammar lessons were a long time ago but there are times when I feel that the semi-colon should really be a comma. For example:
"My lady[,] please. I would speak with you." as opposed to "My lady; please. I would speak with you."
I'm pointing this out because there are a lot of semi-colons used, but I'll leave it up to you whether you want to go through and look at them.
Characterization-wise, the Achuti people are beautifully described and the personalities of Ponre, Uema, and even the guards really shine. What bothers me is that the four academics, which I'm assuming are your main characters, are clumped together. Nothing about their personalities pulls me in. I can only differentiate Rannock because he's the awesome reptile man. The others are just there hanging out. That's part of the reason why I went on to chapter two. I wanted to see if you would offer anything else about these four. If what I'm babbling about shows up in chapters three and four then merely ignore this.
Overall, the story thus far is well told. You paint a brightly colored picture of the surroundings and successfully bring the reader into your world.
You've been repaid. Thank you for your unbiased review of my story.
S. M. Saves
| Dreamers-Requiem 1/9/10 . chapter 4
O I wonder what'll happen to them. Loving it - I liked the different tunnels and I thought the way they could hear the villagers was quite clever. I liked Garth's dialogue, too. Can't wait to see more.
| YasuRan 1/6/10 . chapter 3
This chapter offered more action-packed scenes :). Things are progressing at a quicker pace thanks to that bonehead Ganth, bless him XD. Well-written as always :)
| Mizzuz Spock 1/6/10 . chapter 3
Aha! There's the description of the characters I've been wanting. But they aren't attached to a name, so I'm a bit confused as to who goes with what. The descriptions themselves are awesome, but they aren't quite satisfactory in the sense that there are two of them I'm not sure of. :/
Ganth is priceless. Stupid warrior. A bit stereotypical, in that sense, but I'm not complaining. I like 'im and his dialogue made me smile.
I don't know what The Pit is. But that does not sound good.
And it isn't. Sounds like a pretty complicated death trap, if you ask me.
["Mase," Semper said, "beetles; red, shield-shaped carapaces. Very long antennae, pale legs. Carnivorous?"
"Are there some down there?" the chout asked, suddenly alert.
"Then for god's sake don't go back down," he said flatly.] This dialogue was delivered perfectly. xD
This has certainly picked up from the beginning chapters! (SHAME on those who couldn't make it past the first chapter.) And in this bit alone, I felt you did a great job of developing your characters more, not just through dialogue, but through actions as well. And CLIFFHANGER! Terrible, terrible. Now I must wait for the next update to see how this works out.
I really like this. A lot. It's interesting kind of fantasy. I haven't read a lot like this, so it's pretty original, if you ask me. Kudos on a job well done. Keep up the good work! :]