|Reviews for Camp Iwanagohome|
| Lee Daniel 1/5/10 . chapter 5
Mother Goose? I like it. It sort of sounds like something innocent, but it is obvious that there is something sinister about it. I look forward to finding out more about her and the Raptors.
| sophiesix 1/5/10 . chapter 2
I found this chapter much more gripping than the first.
The first section I thought was good, creepy with the wrist thingy and the pills, :shivers:
The second section seems kinda dreamlike to me. That is one monster snake, and white spots? And did I read that right, he speared it with a tree branch? Its got to be a dream, right? I’m very much tempted that Kirby is right.
The dirt bikes were a really cool touch :D I really liked that bit, especially the dialogue, that was perfect.
For the forest bit, I thought that would be a good opportunity to do a bit of showing rather than telling, or if not, show first and then tell. Eg, with “Alex seemed to bask in the wonder of nature”, maybe consider describing how that woods seemed to alex, concentrating on the peaceful and wondrous aspects of the scene, so that the reader feels what Alex is? Then if you like reinforce it “Alex seemed to bask in the wonder of nature”
Only a coupla typos, e.g.: “snake bike to lower right leg;” lol, snake bite?
Lastly, if you really want to polish it, consider your adverb use: w. users.
keep pu teh good work! :)
| sophiesix 1/4/10 . chapter 1
Hiya! welcome! XD
So you've got a dandy little story happening here, Alex's characterisation coming through nice and strong. :)
My major issue though is the run on sentences; investing in more full stops and a few more commas here and there would be well worth it I think, making it much easier for me to read anyway! keep up the good work!
| Lee Daniel 1/4/10 . chapter 4
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. I liked how you added to the character development of the shadowy figures as well as the intrigue. Having the German kid disapper without the others remembering that he was even there was a nice touch. The best part of your writing is that you create more questions than answers. It keeps me waiting in anticipation of what is to come next.
| S. M. Saves 1/3/10 . chapter 1
Greetings from the Roadhouse! Saw your post so I decided to take your story for a whirl. I'll start with some minor corrections.
"“Summer camp!” Alex Rivers slapped the palm of his thirteen year old hand against a small wood desk in the corner of his room adjacent to a small bed and across from an in[-]wall bookshelf[. F]or a few seconds, Alex felt a throbbing pain in his head growing worse with every heartbeat; his glare stayed on a  notebook on the desk and a green pen laying haphazardly on it.": This was a very long run on sentence that I divided into two sentences. I also took out the word "paper" where the brackets are because, most likely, notebooks are made of paper.
"Even if it means drugging and dragging your unconscious body in there myself.”": Holy smokes! His mom's gonna get his butt to camp whether it takes measures that are illegal or not! Just pointed this out because it was funny. Anyway, moving on.
"Seconds[,] moments[,] a subtle twitch from her right eye and Alex gasped".
"amazingly, standing on the front porch of the structure, a young adult male stood leaning on [the] woo[d] railing as several boys started up the steps.": Does "amazingly" refer to the fact that the cabin is "amazingly" still standing given its condition or the potentially hot "young adult male" who's standing there? Also, go into detail why the cabin looks in disarray.
"CLOMP[,] CLOMP[,] CLOMP." COMMAS
"The moment he crossed the threshold, thick[,] stuffy[,] stale[,] hot air hit his nostrils almost causing him to gag[. T]he inside of the cabin was logically laid out with six beds - three on both sides of the room[. P]ale wood trim accented the woodwork of the walls and floor [and] overhead, massive exposed beams hung mightily.": Divided this into three sentences and made some corrections with in for a smoother reading experience.
Ok, so I can tell from this chapter that you are a lover of semi-colons, which is cool since semi-colons don't get much love nowadays, but most of the time you should have been using commas instead. You can get away with exchanging semi-colons with commas but you can't get away with changing commas into semi-colons. If it bugs you, you can google semi-colon rules but for the most part I don't think people will care if you use a comma when you should have used a semi-colon vs a semi-colon when you should have used a comma.
Also, you seem concerned with describing hair and eye color of the characters but is there anything else you can give us? Do they have freckle? Odd facial scars? A bad case of acne? Something that would set that particular character from the rest other than hair/eye color that Alex would have most likely noticed. Describe surroundings and smells. Is this cabin in the woods or near a lake's edge?
Hope these help you out a bit.
S. M. Saves
| Lee Daniel 12/28/09 . chapter 3
| Lee Daniel 12/24/09 . chapter 2
I really enjoyed this chapter. It is nice to see what Alex is going through without anybody believing him. I look forward to finding out more about the shadowy figures and how Alex's snakebite mysteriously disappeared.
| Lee Daniel 12/22/09 . chapter 1
Welcome to the site. I know from personal experience that reviews are not always easy to come by even if you have plenty of traffic to your stories, so I always try to provide a little feedback to every story that I read.
I think you have a nice start here, and I look forward to reading more of it. It would be niec if you provided a little more of an explanation for why Alex has been sent to this summer camp, but it seems as if you are setting that up for filler in coming chapters.