|Reviews for Hunters|
| Tawny Owl 6/16/10 . chapter 1
The call was carried by the wind, whipped high above the craggy rocks and snow-swept land and delivered to the circling hawk. Who swooped… -I love the imagery in this, but I’m not sure the period is in the best place. It feels like a run on sentence, and that the who swooped should be joined up to the circling hawk.
. It landed on the – who’s? this is a personal thing of mine that I’ve recently started harping on about – so do ignore if you don’t agree. I think the conjures up images of disembodied arms suddenly appearing to float in the ether. His owner’s arm, a man’s arm, the scout’s arm, even Goker’s arm because you introduce him in the next sentence anyway, so it’s no mystery. Plus I presume we’ve already been sort of introduced as the italics are his. Nice description of talon’s scraping though, and the icy grey gusts of death.
did not yet have their own word for war but they knew this was a very different type of hunt from chasing mammoths through pine forests. – nice.
Goker leapt down from the outcrop. How does he land? Sliding on the snow? I’ve read further down and it feels like you should bring the landscape in more. While reading this I had Palaeolithic tundra in my head, and that’s an awesome landscape to play with. Even though they are up in the mountains I still think you could bring in more of this previously inhospitable landscape that the hunters have made a living from. No wonder they’d be pissed if people started to come in and destroy it.
Hikmet, their serkan, nodded to Goker and when the scout had given an affirmative – more detail or description – what exactly is being conveyed? Have they seen the enemy?
ruts over the backs of the ancient stones – loving this.
once the nomads realized(,) the game – at first I thought the game as in the game the fen people were playing rather then animal game.
"Remember," Tutku said, tapping her obsidian knife against her thigh. "For the ones in metal shirts strike at the gaps: neck, armpits, face, backside."
"They swing wide," Goker said as they followed the reindeer track around the rock outcrop. "And they can shoot a moving target about as well as the shaman can pee on her feet." –like this, and the way they convey it. Although can’t everyone pee on their feet easily? I’ve never tried.
The others widened the respectful gap – nice how they treat her differently now she has her uniform on. around their shaman while Goker made the sign for warding off evil.
The mine was enclosed by granite walls – repetition, you’ve just had stone walls.
This mine was the furthest (one)up the mountains and (for)some years the lowlanders managed to hold it.
Once darkness had fallen – seems quick. Give some hints that it’s nearly night before now.
Hikmet gave the signal.- a little thing, but I’m curious to know what this is.
But yaksha always thought there was something wrong with humans, especially lowlanders. Nice. Hikmet had said that lowlanders had these kinds of customs. – love the hints of cultural divides and confusing due to lack of translation.
There was a terrible undulating scream – ooh, good description
"Why are they fighting each other?" Ozan shouted – I’m glad we had that conformation. I was a bit confused then. They aren’t very good at this war thing though if they are being all chivalrous about it. Save the woman with the baby maybe, but it now feels like they are killing the miners to protect the civilians rather than because they want to kill the miners, if that makes sense. I think you also need a more clear distinction about what is going on – that they object to the mines and the hurting of the forest rather than the lowlanders generally. And that it is the miner’s that are killing the children because the King hates magic and ordered it. I got a bit lost in what was going on and why.
repelled by the idea of a shaman having a child – nice cultural detail, and builds on what is meant by womanly ways.
She caught at his coat – holds connotations that are a bit too modern. Try something else?
"They won't be trying to kill you. Probably." Ha!
A second later all her people did as well and the scount would have laughed had it not been so serious. -scout
He translated this for the hunters but had no way of telling her 'they always come back.' Instead what he said was: "Why?" lovely. I love the way you conjure an almost prehistoric, or very almost native American style society.
Without a word they turned as one towards the sound. The huge birds often followed herds and were good meat themselves if nothing else could be caught. – Ah, is this implying they are following the miners and waiting for them to die so they can clean up? Or am I just being morbid.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 2/18/10 . chapter 1
Well, I don't know which works of yours you want me to review. So yeah, I just chose this one out of random. Anyway, this is a good one-shot work you've got here. Somehow it just reminds me of the Avatar movie. Anyway, you really did well to highlight the atmosphere in the story plus the pacing was also very well done. But I truly hope you can do some possible past conflicts between the natives and lowlanders. You did mention how the foreigners expand their territory, but I feel that things would be much climatic if you can include conflict as part of the history. As for the raiding scene, I do feel that it's quite well done without the over detailed descriptions. Anyway, good piece of work here. Will try to review you again asap. :)
P.S: Return this review via The Eternal Grail. :)
| Seeker of Knowledge 12/27/09 . chapter 1
this sounds like the start of another interesting story and has many possibilities (although I did notice you said one-shot) :)
this was the only nit pick I found (although I was swept up in the story to really look):
"Hikmet, their serkan, nodded to Goker and when the scout had given an affirmative. Then he motioned for the others to follow."
it should probably be -Hikmet, their serkan, nodded to Goker and when the scout had given an affirmative, he motioned for the others to follow
never stop writing
() Eleri (