|Reviews for Pulse|
| darkershadeofpale 6/2/11 . chapter 1
So I looked at the other reviews for this and was kind of daunted by their depth. I don't have time for depth, you and your writing is just a distraction for now, and for that, I apologise most profusely.
This is probably very nearly my favourite so far. It's possibly maybe because I can relate, and just .. the way you're expressing these sensations, emotions, thoughts, whatever you want to call them is great, because you're creating tangible names for things that are hard to put down in words, and you make it look easy, and of this, I am jealous.
I like the way you've messed with the formatting here, it adds, I guess, to the more .. physical (this is not exactly the word I was hunting for, but it's all I got right now) nature of the poem, and you read it and it's like, yes. Pulse indeed.
It echoes that name, kind of. Someone said that there is a pulse that runs through the flow of this, and I agree, though it's more of a heartbeat, because it kind of starts out all tentative and first-touch slow, and then it gains a sort of momentum as the poem progresses, and it ends quite literally with a bang. Of sorts.
. darker shade of pale
| dragonflydreamer 3/21/11 . chapter 1
I love the [image] of a strobelight. I'm a lighting technician, so maybe it resonated particularly strong with me, but I thought it was a great complement to the feeling of a pulse. Maybe even better, actually, as you continue with images such as "electric spark" and "neon." In that sense, it really served as the bridge between the two. Nicely done.
Interesting use of [formatting (other)]. The parentheses in the beginning made the words read like a whisper, which was a great way to make a short line not feel too broken up. I like the lack of space before "Electric spark" because it made the words sudden and jolting. "g a p" was my favorite because it was so effective in suddenly slowing the pace of the piece. "thum-thump" in italics was decent, but I've seen it used before. "/noroomforbreath/" was the only one I was hesitant about. The lack of spacing was good in rushing the words, but I don't think the slashes had the constraining feeling you were going for. I think you could come up with something stronger.
The [subject] was what I personally think was the weakest point. The words have a scared, highly emotional, and almost sexual feel, and that's what I would have taken away from the piece. However, the summary is far more respectful and in love. While I like that you gave us that extra insight, I feel that the piece should speak for itself. If the summary is what you truly intended, I'm not sure if you achieved it.
Still, I did [thoroughly] enjoy this. The piece was engaging and cuts right to the core of the emotions. Great descriptions, interesting rhythm, and creative use of the limited formatting FP gives us.
| aberlemno 3/2/11 . chapter 1
When you read this the rhythm emerges immediately. This is definitely a good thing. I also enjoy your use of punctuation to string certain words together, like "dark-room" and "not-even-touching." The "dark-room" to me immediately suggests a nightclub, because of the strobe light, but also a darkroom for developing photographs. The electric spark and the strobe light work together very well as an image- white light through the dark. There is even something of the electric spark about the shape of that line, because of the capitalisation of Electric and the way it runs on from 'touching' and bursts out of the previous words.
Then in the second stanza the rhythm slows, as I imagine the music in the club does, and "fingers trailing/ ethereal strings of neon" ... time's fingers, and the narrator's? Neon again adds to the brightness/darkness imagery which has already been established. The two 'heartbeats' imply this is an in-depth description of someone's perceptions over a *very* short space of time.
Again the rhythm of the poem changes, after the gap- and again I like the use of spacing to make 'gap' into an actual gap. The tension which has been building up until now breaks, and the speed changes, from that of a heartbeat to a heart attack. Squeezing 'noroomforbreath' into one line, of course, emphasizes this tightness, as do the punctuation marks at each end keeping it in (I've forgotten the proper name for a forward slash. Sorry!)
"See in frame vision"- I'm thinking photography again here, almost like this poem is the moment captured in a photograph. The ending, 'crash' with a full stop instead of an exclamation mark as in the previous two lines, makes me think of the crash as a simple, inevitable fact rather than something dramatic. It's the movements which have led up to the crash which are dramatic.
I very much enjoyed this poem.
| lookingwest 10/3/10 . chapter 1
Here we go, alright, loving this. Out of what I've read so far this morning this is definitley your best yet and it's much more balanced than anything before it. The use of experimentation is much more pronounced and successful and makes more sense in this than the "streetcornered bard", I understand it a lot better.
I think you captured a sense of place here perfectly too. Right in the first stanza, in the first line, really, I can get a perfect sense of that place, and this wonderful sort of club-dance sort of sequence. I love the use of the parentheses, they were well thought out and really heightened the sense of rhythm that you begin to build with this. The "touchingElectric" was also well thought out, and I agree with the decision to capitalize "Electric" too, because it really pops out and makes the line stick, plus it leaves "spark" to also stand apart and be pronounced.
I think it was cool that you slowed it down in the second stanza by using slower words like "crawls" and "trailing"-and by the way, here also I feel that all of your verbs are stronger and valuable, and there aren't any awkward line word choices either. The image of the "ethereal strings of neon" was perfect, and I love that way that "neon" really pops too, it's such a wonderful color for this and ties it together. Again, the use of (heartbeat) was well placed, and I like that you also made a decision not to use any punctuation, here that's good because finally it's like, use nothing or use all of it, and the decision to use nothing speeds it up and frees it too.
The third stanza of "gap", is of course, perfect, the spacing well done, and I'm glad you were able to figure it out on FP formatting to space it apart too-it can be really frustrating some times.
I like to see you dressing up the poetry more than just using simile and metaphor. Here in the fourth stanza you finally branch out and I see the use of onomatopoeia that really could also work well in "streetcornered bard", so I like to see it here a lot, and now I know you can do it well ;).
The contrast of deciding not to use "heartbeat" in this stanza serves well when instead you use "heart attack", and that really shows that the word "gap" has split the poem and become a sort of turn. I love how you follow up "heart attack" with /noroomforbreath/ and that decision to use the slashes instead of the parentheses visually boxed it in and did exactly what you wanted it to do, "frame" it, which you mention in the last line of the stanza. I think you should get rid of the period after "vision" though, because like I said, if you're not going to use any punctuation at the beginning, then don't use it at all or you need to go back and fit it in in the first two. I don't think that poetry needs to always follow punctuation rules, and with a free poem like this, I don't think you should try to constrict it.
The three stanzas at the end, however, can keep their punctuation, because using the period after "crash" literally and visually brings the entire poem to a sudden halt, you know what I mean? If you're reading it aloud, you could really "feel" that. Don't be afraid to experiment, I feel like you weren't afraid at the beginning but then you got a little iffy in the fourth stanza towards the end.
Overall, definitley my favorite so far.
| bluewitness 1/2/10 . chapter 1
Ethereal strings of neon is quite the lovely phrase, eh?
You close th and there's /noroomforbreath/.
A very distinct pulse runs through these words- the piece lives up to its name.
| Negasi 12/30/09 . chapter 1
So this piece was very breath taking. /noroomforbreath/ seemed to squeeze the oxygen out of my lungs. I kind of get a nightclub atmosphere where it is tight and everyone is grinding upon one another but a male is watching this beautiful girl before finally deciding to approach her but he slips and falls along the way!