|Reviews for Silence|
| thewhimsicalbard 12/30/09 . chapter 1
I have a few critiques to make on this fic.
First, there are several grammar/usage errors that I feel you ought to be aware of...
-"cannot" in line 7 is one word.
-"in which" in line twelve is improper. When referring to a person who is the object, use "in whom." (If you don't get this, I'll explain it in a PM, all you have to do is ask).
-"this origins" does not agree in number. It either needs to be "this origin" or "these origins."
That's all of that.
Now, as for your poem in general, the vocab you used doesn't really fit the style. The words remind me of less scratchy Pantera lyrics (and that is a compliment, I'm a huge metal head. I'm diverse), but the poem's structure was so centered around rhyme that you sacrificed the maturity and anger of the poem for a rhyme scheme that sounds like a Mother Goose nursery rhyme piece.
"When the end is to be had."
It's so sing-songy. I can picture a bunch of pre-schoolers chanting that at recess. Don't focus so much on rhyme that the rhyming ruins everything else.
Don't get me wrong: the rhymes are good by themselves, and the powerful words you use are good by themselves, but they absolutely do not meld. Stay consistent in every aspect of your poem. You'll find that's what will help you the most.
Good job. Hopefully this review will help.