|Reviews for Clara's Near Escape|
| SKeene1956 3/31/13 . chapter 1
I'm not a writer nor a registered user here. I see no point to if I can't contribute to the art such you have. I feel it would be besmirching everyone's else efforts. I am a fanatical reader though and always had A's in all my Lit. courses. Just little creativity. I must comment on your story "Into The Night" which I have already read. Other then a few misspellings you are a remarkable writer. Very tight story line that is cohesive as a whole. Good character development. The misspellings I think come from missed keys. For the letter that should have been used is usually right next to the one used. So miss key instead of spelling. This short story kind of left me hanging with Clara's situation. I came here to read on your advice given in "Back to Hell". I thought it would be to tie Clara into that story. Guess you wanted us to come to our own conclusion. Overall I think you have the potential to be a professional writer or already are. You could maybe make your living this way. To bad paper books are going out of style. But the net is the next big repository of the written word. Thank you for your work and for sharing it. Best to you and yours.
| zombie chickens 2/22/10 . chapter 1
I guess we know what happened to Clara now. I don't know what's worse, the fact that she was completely in love with jake and he was an ass, or the fact that it is strongly inffered that she, well, died. I guess the second is worse by a ways.
My only comment is that the first line of the story looks like it could use some corrections, other than that I did not see any errors.
It was a good idea to make it into a one shot, but when are you going to start the sequel? I will be waiting.
| taerkitty 1/12/10 . chapter 1
I'm not sure the title is such a good idea - it may be giving away too much of the story. We'll see after I'm done reading.
"Clara’s Near EscapeI don’t want it was exactly about Jake." Need a space between the title (in bold) and 'I'. I suspect the phrase is actually 'I don't know what it was exactly about Jake.'
"I wasn’t the type of girl who would silence a bar if she stepped into it." Pronoun/POV shift. "I was ... if I stepped into it"
"But[,] once you got talking to him, it was like his voice lulled you into liking him." Missing comma, noted. However, this is another POV shift - the last sentence was talking about 'me', and this swings back rather suddenly to Jake.
I like the "go to Uni" passage - shows characterization on his part for saying it, and hers in her reaction.
"I saw a side of him [Chuck?] I'd never seen before." It just leaves it there. What did she see?
I don't like relying on italics to try to offset one type of speech from another. I would think the descriptions would be sufficient.
"Slowly, I turned my head, requesting that we leave." Who did she request? Her boss?
"I didn’t know that it would be the last time I saw him." Unsure if this is a POV shift or not. It's a matter of if the story is being told to us in past tense but as it happens, or it's all a recollection?
There's a disruptive break between "I want to f-k" and her race to the airport. I was almost thinking that we were reading her thought as she was in the act.
"Especially as it wasn't holiday season." This causes me to lose respect for the character. There's the threat of nuclear war, and she's surprised the airports are crowded? Heck, I'm surprised they're functioning at all.
Well, as a 'completed one-shot', I'm going to have to agree with her . It's not a happy ending, but about as strong and final one as you can get.
That said, the title does give too much of it away.
Okay, it reads very smoothly, overall. The character is well developed.
The plot is ... well, it's a slice-of-life in a chaotic time, so I don't mind the absence of that reassuring hand at my shoulder. Were this a continuing series, I'd comment about how this seemed aimless and wasteful, but the ending does bring home how aimless and wasteful war can be.
I'm glad to see this little bit more of Clara. I'm looking forward to more of Jake, though I would have wanted to see Clara back with him.
One last thing - the "last time I'd see Chuck" thing. I'm leaning toward it being a pov-shift, and a mistake. Except for that, we're only seeing things as it happens around Clara. By removing the 'forecasting' of 'last time', above, we'll keep the POV consistent.
| 1.21 Jigawatts 1/10/10 . chapter 1
Wow. That's the first thing on my mind after finishing reading this. I'm actually sad about the way it ended, since you built up Clara's character so well through the voice that you used here. I found her thought process intriguing, and I think this puts a lot of perspective on the character interaction of main story "Into the Night". If I was the one writing the story, I would have made this a chapter in the main story - might be a little weird switching perspectives for some people, but I think it would fit right in as long as the author's note explained the temporary change. I actually like how the text describing the ending was short and sweet, because the mood built up to it so well. It was and wasn't understated at the same time.
Writing wise, some areas that I think needed commas or breaks because two separate thoughts were put right next to each other, but then again I'm a comma heavy writer so maybe not. Its up to you if you want to take a look.
Good job overall, I really like your writing voice.
| Experiment101 1/9/10 . chapter 1
whoa what the fuck? you end it like that! How dare you. This was awesome. I'm still kind of sitting here with my mouth hanging open. lol.