'Ello Friend!

First of all...I've read the first part before, but the word choice and structure is really good still :-D. I think you capture the burden Makayla's responsibilities very well.

There are 10 characters introduced in the first chapter, though. I think you can pull this off, but I was a little confused when Nate and Rachel popped up; it took me a second to realize they were anchoring with Makayla. I think just putting in something about Makayla seeing them would do it wonders.

Maybe it would be good to introduce the council member's names a little earlier...idk, but I think it would make it a little easier to understand.

Oh, and last thing-on FictionPress, if you want things to be in separate chapters, you have to upload them as separate documents. I dunno if it was intentional that you put the first two chapters in one, so I figured I'd mention it.

Chapter two-with no new characters introduced, this one flows a lot more nicely, and the storyline is much more followable. Good job! :-D. It is kinda short for a full chapter, though-is that why you put it with one?

Awesomeful story, my friend! Keep it up!

Phoenix

P.S. I like catapults... ;-)

Yeah, I like the concept of all these children being stowed away underground for the war-not a completely unfeasible idea, truth be told-but it seemed rushed, and the flow was odd and jumpy and we'd be reading about a press conference when suddenly Makayla is traveling through the subterranean hallways and we suddenly realised we just missed a segue somewhere. Slow it down, maybe elaborate some on the setting and actions, and you'll have a nice little piece of literature on your hands.

A little confusing, but I liked the idea and the concept; I love this kind of stories and this one looks promising.

I liked the WWI idea. That was rather clever.

However, I wasn't sure what was going on half the time. What was the main characters name? Makayla? It was only mentioned once.

You should probably introduce the characters more slowly.