|Reviews for Class of '13|
| thefilmchick 1/18/10 . chapter 1
(Hi there! Random review drawn here from your historical mystery focus-I have something I'm aiming on tossing up in the next day or two in that area. Stay tuned if you're interested!)
This is well-written, but to me the two unconventional methods of writing-2p present AND nonexistent dialogue tags-jar somewhat. I know dialogue tags are dealt with differently in different places, so please disregard the critique if it doesn't apply to you. As an American, though, that felt slightly unwieldy (especially since you use a lone dialogue tag in the 'Do you want to go out for a cannoli?' line.)
This bit just before that feels like it could be expanded:
'You move to brush it off, your fingers on her cheek, the closest you’ve ever come to her.
Thanks. She wipes it off on the back of her sleeve and gives you her smile, the smile that breaks your heart every time you see it.'
It's not the climax of your piece emotionally, but it IS a high point, so it needs a bit more time to sink in for the reader. As it is, it feels a bit rushed, especially with the 'heartbreaking' descriptor veering slightly on cliche (and delete the 'heartbreaking' mention the second time you use it,since it adds nothing.)
Maybe kids these days (hah!) are different, but 'and then I'll speak to your father' feels slightly too mature of a sentiment for your high-schooler protagonist. I'm not really sure how you COULD edit that, so I put that out for comment.
Writing is good; style flows well. Nothing is overdescribed and, minus the one moment I noted, nothing feels underdescribed either. If you expand this, I would be careful about the Romeo and Juliet trope, but as it is it feels nicely balanced. Well done!
| Dante's Disciple 1/18/10 . chapter 1
Very sweet, well detailed. This is just the perfect length and leaves a happy feeling behind.
Nice to see the 2nd person pov for a change, you used it well!
One thing though, use speech marks when people talk, would make it clearer.
Great work :)