Guess who's too lazy again? i love this story so much, u should really make it into a longer one...idk how u would do that tho...anyway vampires and werewolves is my thing. not angels. love the story Ari!

Well done. I especially liked the ending with the declarations of love right before the world faded to black and Ari dropped out again.

Wow, powerful opening. The violence is described enough to feel real and painful, without being overdone – great stuff. I like you it was ambiguous at first which angel was which gender, it kinda tied in nicely with the idea of angels being sort of ‘beyond’ that. I got a little confused the first time I read it between ari and aaron, because they sound kinda similar, I thought one was a nickname for the other at first, like aaron was talking to himself?

It’s a really powerful scene, this one shot, especially the fighting. I couldn’t shake the feeling that it could be even better though. For eg, if you cut out some of the less powerful and more passive verb forms like ‘had accumulated’ ‘had been inflicted’, ‘were spread’. Having active verbs here would make the scene even more immediate, I think.

Likewise, I think ending the phrase with a preposition here detracts from the sentences power: “A deep laughter filled the old medieval church that I was in” (don’t really need ‘that I was in’; that’s assumed I think), and “that I couldn’t add any power behind it” (if that sentence ended in power, eg ‘that the punch lacked any power ’ or “that I couldn’t instill it with power’ or something, in my mind it would read stronger).

And just to be picky, though each of these are great and strong in themselves, when they are repeated these lose their freshness a bit, eg “salt stung” and the word “scream”. Consider using a synonym like ‘salt bit into’ , cry, shriek etc. but that’s a pretty minor point.

Your lead up to the flashback is well done, so I found you didn’t need the *flashback*, they just broke the flow for me.

That Seth healed Ari was really really lovely, after all the punishment we went through with her. I was cheering. That said, I found the ending a little drawn out/ over emotional? maybe it’s just in contrast to the violence of the beginning? Not sure. But it’s really hard to have characters express their love for each other without sounding kinda cheesy, I know.

The different degrees of angelhood was really interesting too, makes me wonder what ari had done/ not done to be a black angel, and likewise seth. But also, you did it in such a way that that curiosity didn’t detract from the story either, so well done.

Powerful writing and great story, good luck in the comp!

Oh, and just totally randomly, didn’t “Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." Come from Rhett in Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell? :)

[Sorry I had a connection problem causing my review to be incomplete. I can't use my account to review more than once so here's the proper one]

Man it started off so well. I absolutely love Aaron's psychoticness and obsession. He's just so sadistic, I actually wished he'd win. Well, I was actually looking forward to a tragic ending but it looks like justice wins again. To be honest, the first half is awesome... but the story puts off in the second half (it's the cliche / ). maybe the first half is more intense... or maybe I have high hopes on dark romance. However so, you still did a good job.

Correction here: “Aaron, if you’ve hurt her in anyway, I going to KILL you!” I'm going to KILL you.

haha it's ironic for Seth to worry about his looks when he's worrying about Ari as well. that's so twisted. However I think it's strange for the character to describe his/her own appearences, especially the 'my turquoise eyes' and 'my emerald eyes' part. For a 1st person view, we should assume that we don't know what our eyes colours are unless we look into the mirror.

“Stop. Aaron was right. I’m no good for you. A pure angel like you should have nothing to do with a black angel like me. I’m practically a demon and you’re practically a god.”

Man it started off so well. I absolutely love Aaron's psychoticness and obsession. He's just so sadistic, I actually wished he'd win. Well, I was actually hoping for a tragic ending but it looks like justice wins again. To be honest, the first half is awesome... but the story puts off in the second half (it's the cliche / ). maybe the first half is more intense... or maybe I have high hopes on dark romance. However so, you still did a good job.

Correction here: “Aaron, if you’ve hurt her in anyway, I going to KILL you!”

Very interesting take on the forbidden love idea. It seems that this could be part of a much longer story and I'd like to read it. I like to know more about this world with the varying degree of angels. Good writing.