The phrasing in the first stanza seemed off. The first line doesn't make it clear that you are the sparrow. I think "As a sparrow" or even a comma after sparrow would help that. Also the second two stanzas aren't even one sentence. You need like I want to soar or something like that.

I like the second stanza. The way you described how it felt to be tempted was great as were your word choices.

I liked the idea of the cage in their heart. That was a great image. The only thing is missing pieces of tears seemed like an overstuffed comparison and I got confused with tears when you leave when you stay. It seemed a bit contradictory to me...

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I didn't really like the repetition of ash-covered. I thought the first time it was a great description, but I felt like using it again kinda took away from that.

I liked the whirlpool reference. It gave me a good image of how you were spiraling and tumbling.

I loved those last three lines too. That was really great phrasing there about him loving things within you as oppossed to just you.

PS Check out the Review Game and/or its Review Marathon (links in my profile)

Great!

Great!

Loved it!