|Reviews for Coffee, Embrace and Another Love Story|
| ranDUMM 4/29/10 . chapter 4
I'm FINALY paying back some reviews, so SORRY for the wait, but here they are :)
I liked this subject. We met Binata and Geet for the first time, and yet you characterised them so well. I already understood exactly what type of characters they had, so well done for that :)
I also really liked the phrases you used! The "Karina Kapoor Jab We Met" - classic! I love Jab We Met, and while I don't particularly like Karina all that much, she did well in that movie. ANYWAY, I thought that that, and other lines, were precious. Great :D
I didn't fully understand these words/phrases:
- "...information et all..." et all? Meaning at all, or something else in Hindi?
- "...only in times of crises ' when deadlines for..." The apostrophe after crises shouldn't have a space there, and there should be a comma there too.
- "...Karina Kapoor Jab We Met elan..." As awesome as the Jab We Met line was, elan? Didn't understand that word.
Other than that, great work with this chapter! Can't wait to read more! :D
| C. Tattiana H-H 4/28/10 . chapter 6
I love how this one ended. Great chapter overall, the pace and flow were fantastic, and I especially love this visit from her chaddi-buddy. I think the chapter could have used a bit more description when they were in the cafe, but other than that I thought everything was fantastic. Oh, and I noticed a couple of sentences that could have used a comma, but that was it. Great read!
| Greatheart 4/28/10 . chapter 2
It might be a good idea to indicate that you mean 38 degrees Celcius.
In the short paragraph after the listing of the scores, I don't see what the purpose is of having the one word sentence, "Only."
Why would the mother wipe away imaginary tears? Wouldn't she have REAL tears of happiness?
One thing which may potentially be a big thing, is your use of foreign terms. Unless the reader is able to discern the general meaning from the context, you have to somehow clarify, either by changing/adding to the context or providing a translation. In published novels I've read, this is often done by having the foreign sentence in italics like you have here, and then immediately repeated in English without the italics. That way it's made clear that this is a translation of what was just written or said.
Your writing is very readable and clear. You have skill here, just don't forget that not every one is as well versed in the culture as you.
| Greatheart 4/28/10 . chapter 1
The writing in this short prologue is very good. It was actually hard for me to find anything to give you constructive criticism on. Two minor things:
One, you might want to rethink your use of the word "suddenly." It serves it's purpose here, but it's just one of those words that tends to be overused. Since you describe the thought as "striking" her, that alone is probably enough to convey its suddenness.
Two, I know that time will have passed during the taxi, ride, but I think you need another sentence or two to indicate that. As is, it kind of reads like she gets into the taxi and then they arrive at the destination just a minute later.
| Backseat Benediction 4/27/10 . chapter 2
I love the whole idea of this. it's extremely original and I admire that. Also, your use of other languages and just the sheer detail you put into your work is breathtaking. I can't wait to read more(:
congrats on a great story in the making!
| RisanF 4/26/10 . chapter 2
Yo, this is RisanF, your reviewer from The Review Game! I'll cover both the prologue and the first chapter for you:
- Opening - The Prologue is a bit short and choppy. You could probably add some more detail; the phrase about "misinterpreting anything" is a bit too vague to create suspense. The first chapter is better, with longer paragraphs and more details. Much more representative of your skills as a writer.
- Characters - I'm still getting a feel for your main character (her name is Beta, right?). First Person with an everygirl character can be tough, so try to set up some distinct speech patterns and idiosyncrasies. You have some elaborate phrasing, so think about how that reflects upon your narrator. The usage of Indian words is a nice scene-setter, though.
- Relationships - Looks like there is a lot of pressure put on these kids about their future careers. Of course, I'm American, and have no idea how things work in India. I'm glad her parents are supportive of her decision, though.
- Spelling/Grammar - (from Prologue and Chapter I)
"24/6 Malabar Hills." I wheezed squeezing in my rucksack through the door of the taxi. (sentence needs a comma in between "wheezed" and "squeezing")
I reloaded the page twelfth time, (add an "a" between "page" and "twelfth")
"This time, do something, I swear I will, I swear I will…do something!" (at the end of the sentence, it's a bit unclear whether she is demanding the computer do something or claiming that SHE will do something)
- Other -
-I squinted at the 84.5, the bold black against the stark white background. A declaration of my future. Wherever I go, from today, there will always invisible stamp on my forehead, screaming to the world my worth – 84.5%. Only. (I like this paragraph. A dramatic take on grades. There's a lot of theatrical elaboration here on graduating and getting a job. It could be an important element of the writing style of this piece. Try relating this back to what I said about writing in First Person)
-I looked back at the concerned faces stoically, understandingly, sympathetically, steadily, and every -ly that exists, till they were sure that I was going to be as steady as the Rock of Gibraltar. (love the creative use of adverbs in this sentence)
- Overall - Not a bad piece of work. I think you have potential, if you keep refining your craft.
| C. Tattiana H-H 4/25/10 . chapter 5
1.6 Change “has” to “had”.
1.7 Change to “Metaphorically, since he could sense every movement in the class even when his back was turned” (Notice the use of past tense)
1.8 Place a comma after “literally”
1- Check your use of tenses in this paragraph, as you are mixing present and past.
sentence: Place “got” after “class”, or something else to your liking.
9.4 Repetition of the word “lectures”. Consider removing the one in this sentence.
21.3 “If you were published in the Beat, you carve yourself a...” The second half of this sentence’s tense needs to be adjusted. Try: “...you would carve yourself...” or “...you carved yourself...”
29.1 “There were only a few unenthusiastic public...” This sentence isn’t reading properly to me, mainly the word “public”. Perhaps change to “people”.
29.1 Either lowercase “Public” or capitalize “display” and “emotions”.
31.1 Remove the comma after “boy”.
32.2 Change “head” to “hair”.
5th Last Paragraph, 4th Sentence: Either change the period after “electives” to a comma, or capitalize “she”.
I like what is happening in this chapter. Alas, we get a glimpse of her school life and the dynamics that run it. I especially like the teacher. I thought his character was realistic as well as entertaining. In this chapter, the characters, dialogue and setting are well rounded. Excellent job. I also love the opening titles of your chapters. They add a whole other level to your story that is uniquely deep and intriguing.
| drink me pretty 4/25/10 . chapter 3
Wow-I know you said she was going to pull a Bollywood-stunt in the summary, but to actually read it put a smile in my face. And it's funny, too, because it really is a cliche thing for Aparajita to do-randomly intervene to 'save the day'-but because it was written so genuinely and light-heartedly, I was honestly amused. Kudos to you for that, because I usually find such things boringly predictable and overrated. Keep it up.
| drink me pretty 4/25/10 . chapter 2
Haha, I like how as a reader we are built up to believe there could be some potential drama between the family expectations of becoming an engineer and what the main character actually wants to do with her future, and then in the end it works out. I found it somewhat comedic? Which is a good thing, I suppose, since this is Romance/Humor :)
Also, I really like all of the Indian phrases interspersed. Makes the story and atmosphere all the more realistic. That being said, I'm glad you had the note at the end to explain them, too haha
| ranDUMM 4/24/10 . chapter 3
What a great chapter! I loved this, though I had to look at the end glossary to understand a few things. The scene between Ankit and Aparajitha was awesome :D Just wondering, is Aparajitha a female name? Other than that, I think that it's great that she has a rebellious streak in her, and she works at a common cafe to earn so money. Great chapter, can't wait for more! :)
P.S - I must digress; Ranbir Kapoor isn't one of the hottest ;)
| ranDUMM 4/22/10 . chapter 2
This was an interesting Chapter 1! So she got pretty good marks in her exams and she's going to the Indian Journalism School. I saw so many typical Indian things in this, so that was really good to read :) I also loved the characterisation of 'Baba'. That was really good! Oh & the scene just before she got her marks. Wonderful descriptions :D
Here were a few mistakes I thought I'd point out:
- "replaced by an expensive sleek one, a cooking range had popped up in the modest kitchen;" the line from 'a cooking range...' doesn't go with the rest of the sentence. A rewording of that perhaps?
- "Finally the Lord, maybe decided to have pity on me." There is no need for the comma after 'Lord', and the maybe in the sentence is slightly awkward.
- "My heart beat so wildly, I am convinced, it was showing through the flimsy material of my shirt, leaping madly towards the computer screen." The tense here switches back and forth, and the sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps a better construction of the sentence would be: "My heart beat so wildly and I was convinced that it was showing through the flimsy material of the shirt, that it was leaping madly towards the computer screen", or something similar. :)
Other than this, this chapter was really good! I like the direction in which it is going, and I look forward to reading more. Good work, keep writing! :D
| ranDUMM 4/22/10 . chapter 1
This was an interesting prologue! I would like to find out what is going on with the protagonist and why she is stopping in that place.
One thing that I noticed was the amount of numbers that you use in your story. The use of numbers instead of spelling it out can sometimes take the focus off the actual story, and is disturbs the flow of the story.
- ""24/6 Malabar Hills." I wheezed squeezing in my rucksack through the door of the taxi." There should be a comma after 'wheezed', I think. Also maybe 'open door' would make more sense, though that's just a personal qualm.
This is an interesting prologue, and I am excited to read the rest! :D Keep writing! :)
| Kirei.Kappukeki 4/22/10 . chapter 5
I read this entire story I like it so much! xD Aparajita is really feisty and independent. I always dig strong female leads in stories. I also like the fact that she is very average (maybe not personality wise, but physically). It's refreshing to read about a character who is normal and has a pretty much fail job. Your pacing of the story is very nice also. At first I though it felt a little rushed, but now that I read through it I like it more. The beginning doesn't matter as much now that you have gotten into the meat of the story, and I think if you were to extend the first few chapters it would be an overkill of back information.
The only issue I had with the story was all the non-english going on. You do blend it well, and I don't mind looking at the meanings, it just seems like there is SO much of it. I think even if you were to cut it down, the culture of the story would still come through. Delhi is a very unique place, and even without a lot of Hindi (?) you vivid descriptions would carry the story's feel enough.
Though I'm not saying I dislike the blending, it just irks me for some reason. Maybe it's because I got yelled at for speaking in Spanglish when I was younger, who knows!
I hope you update soon!
| BestOfTheWorst 4/22/10 . chapter 5
This is pretty good. It's not my favorite genre, but it held my attention well enough anyway. That's saying something. Hmm, here's what I know about the main character so far: She is in college to et a degree in journalism, she works part-time at a cafe, she wants romance in her life, she dislikes mathematics, she comes from a family of engineers, she is a sociable person, and she doesn't seem to be dealing with any major issues in her life. You've done pretty well at fleshing out your character so far. I'd like to know more about her friends, thoguh. There doesn't seem to be too much to them at this point. I also commend you on descibing your characters environment in a way that I actually remembered what the cafe was supposed to look like. Many authors neglect that particular aspect of their writing. Keep up the good work.
| Dreamers-Requiem 4/22/10 . chapter 5
Really nice start to that chapter, and I wonder how this Beat article will effect her in the long-term. The story is still fairly fresh and interesting, and the scene in the lecture hall was written in a really nice way. However, the addition of the fact that there are two of them with the same surname seems a little bit...random? I don't think it's really needed, as it doesn't seem to add anything.
Now, as to the question - I think people who write romance are usually fairly romantic people and yeah, they might be in a situation where they're still looking for love. Some elements of my own romantic stuff are based around situations I've had in my own love life, crossed with...well, what I'd kind of wished the situations had turned out like. If that makes sense at all :P