|Reviews for Coffee, Embrace and Another Love Story|
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse 4/14/10 . chapter 4
Yay, loved this chapter! So we get to meet her friends/roomates! They both seem very interesting, and quite real. I think I prefer Binata at the moment, but they are both great :)
Hmm wonder when Ankit will come back...?
| C. Tattiana H-H 4/13/10 . chapter 3
Spelling/Grammar – Third paragraph, last sentence: “I my parents even got...” Change “I” to “If”.
Characters/Relationships – I really like all of the relationships you have created. They feel very earnest and lifelike. I have to say - as you will read again under the Enjoyment category - I LOVE the relationship between Aparajita and the regular. There is so much energy between the two, but this is the first time they’ve actually spoken outside their customer/server roles. It’s wonderful, it’s exciting, it’s turning me into a schoolgirl. Ha-ha.
Enjoyment – I love the little exchange between Aparajita and the regular. It was a simple exchange between the two, but there was so much more going on that you revealed through description, not dialogue; a wonderful technique. I was giggling like a little school girl when I read it. So much fun! “...the dunce turned into a dashing-dialogue spouting-star...” I love that line. It’s dorky and sounds like how I, or one of my friends, would describe ourselves. “I shook her anorexic hand...” Oh snap! Ha-ha.
Other – I noticed you haven’t updated/uploaded anything for this story in a while. I really hope you upload more soon because this story is great fun!
| C. Tattiana H-H 4/13/10 . chapter 2
Opening/Writing – The first sentence could use a bit of work. I makes sense but somehow doesn’t work. Perhaps take out the “...in the late morning...” and make another sentence out of it, describing the time of day. First paragraph, third sentence: “...replaced by an expensive...” Sounds a little funny. Try changing “by” to “with”. First paragraph, fourth sentence: “I reloaded the page twelfth time...” Add “for the” in between the words “page” and “twelfth”. Paragraph twenty three, first sentence: “...making myself unobtrusive as possible...” Throw in an “as” in between “myself” and “unobtrusive”. In the same sentence: “...furiously typed away on my cell...” Change “typed” to “typing”. (Keep an eye out for tense consistency).
Enjoyment – I really like this chapter. Although again, some of the dialect leaves me wondering, “What does that mean?” I find myself enjoying it nonetheless. I particularly like the narrative parts about praying to the various deities. I find it charming and comical. “I’m sure that Indra, who loved entertainment himself, may have had some mercy...” That sentence in particular, gave me a laugh. I love how the entire family are engineers. (True story: my close friend’s family is the same way. (She’s an art major but the majority of her family are engineers) She is always telling me about some nice person she met who turned out to be – yup you guessed it – an engineer. It’s kind of freaky.) Even though I suspected the narrator didn’t want to be an engineer, I couldn’t help but feel nervous (and excited) as she broke the news to her parents. I was on the edge of my seat (well actually, I was lying on the couch, but you know what I mean).
Characters – I love the family dynamic here. I’m not too familiar with (forgive me for being ignorant but I’m going to guess Indian or Pakistani?) families, however from the few Asian friends I do have, this family seems to fit. All of the pressure, the anticipation, the revelling in glory is entertaining and accurate.
Other – Your author’s note at the end of this chapter was very helpful. Although I already knew Baba, and Aai – or at least deduced as much – the rest of the list was very helpful. I’m glad you added this, everything is a lot clearer now. (Great chapter btw!)
| C. Tattiana H-H 4/13/10 . chapter 1
Opening – Not much to say here; I’m indifferent about this opening. It’s neither amazing nor terrible. So-so might be the description I’m looking for.
Dialogue – I’m a little bit confused as to what the narrator was talking about, however I suspect it is because she is speaking a mix of English and the native dialect. It’s interesting though, and it makes me want to read more so that I can figure out exactly what’s going on.
Pace – I like the hurried pace so far. The chapter is short and quick, which I find engaging.
Plot – Not entirely sure what’s going on. I understand that the narrator is in a hurry and that something is on the line/something big is about to happen; which makes me even more interested. I kind of like how I don’t know what’s going on. The confusion I feel isn’t an irritating one, but an intriguing one.
| PissyNovelist 4/12/10 . chapter 3
I'm already loving the story! You have great writing skills. Personaly, your specialty is imagery!
Not much spelling or grammer I caught! So, it was all awesome.
xoxo Pissy Novelist
| lookingwest 4/12/10 . chapter 3
"One mocha, and an Devil's Delight."
-Edit: "an" should be "a" because Devil's doesn't start with a vowel letter.
Wow, great turn in narrative voice, really loved that snarkiness concerning the B thing, you captured that change really well from the scene that was two years ago.
Normally a character working at a coffee shop might be a little cliche but no way here-you've managed to put a creative spin on it, and I think it's the perfect part time job to get to know our central character better.
Strange it may sound, it actually tasted quite good.
-Nope, that sounds pretty good to me, XD
"Twenty third time" grunted Gaurang, poring over the accounts.
-Edit: needs comma after "time"
"I would like a coffee please" interjected Shikha...
-Edit: comma after "please"
He gave a mischievous smile. "Any time!"
-Edit: Since this is a new speaker and dialogue, make sure to put it in its own paragraph.
"I would like Mocha, same as yours, A..."
-Edit: would un-capitalize "A"
"Nice show. Thanks." He whispered furtively.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "thanks"
Another well written chapter, your style is easy to follow and quite clear which is good. You've got a great balance of sentence too. I enjoyed learning more about Aparajita and the whole scene with the Vishwas-clone was also very fun!
| lookingwest 4/12/10 . chapter 2
I like the incorporation of Indian culture into the chapters, obviously you know your stuff and you know your setting most of all-I get really excited when those on FP write about things they know (at least setting-wise) because everyone has a different setting to share and it's fun when as a reviewer, a reader gets to contact the author directly :) Other words, though I've never been to India, you painted a great picture of it through the narrative.
Wow, I could really relate with the first part of this concerning the grades. That's pretty intense-I feel that way after every semester. Especially during high school when I was trying to get into Uni-and we have one test too that everything depends on. You brought me back to a stressful time in my life, XD, but you captured it really well.
Though the description of the interworking of education might have been an info-dump-it doesn't end up that way at all, because you craftily add in characters into the explaining and you make it much more interesting. I like how you handled your explaining, it kept my interest and was well planned.
Thanks for the A/N at the end too, I appreciated your time to explain what things meant and translated to, but I would have loved this chapter without the translations too-you're that good, XD. I didn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes, and I assure you I point them out when I find them, so I'm glad to say that I found this chapter well written and very enjoyable.
Your central character Kulkarni is great-and relatable too-my parents were a little doubtful of me going into English studies too -_-
| lookingwest 4/12/10 . chapter 1
Wow, cool setting right off the bat. Very creative. Since this is very short I had the chance to read it a few times. I think overall it's a good punchy beginning. You get right to the point with what's happening and you don't waste time-especially because the sentences are stylistically short and everything. I haven't read a chapter this short in a while, but at the same time, I think there's a lot in this potential-wise.
| Frayling0 4/12/10 . chapter 2
Great read! Thanks for the glossary at the end, helped a bunch. You're really talented. The first few paragraphs pulled me into a world where every word was picked for realism - it felt like this book I read in last years English class but I can't remember the name of it. Loved the last line - I hope she does live her dream. I can't wait to read more of this, nice start :D Luke
| Idareutoguess 4/5/10 . chapter 2
Nice story so far! (:
I can totally relate to Aparajita (which is a very unique name by the way) I fail Math all the time! My worst subject ! . AND I come from a whole family of doctors so I can totally relate to the pressure of feeling like you have to go along with the tradition because you're to afraid to be the one to break it! (x
Haha, that aside, the language change again is very unique and creative but you might want to reconsider using it in the story if it's going to take all that explaining at the end. Also it would have been better if you had introduced the characters and their personalities a bit more so that the reader could have a feel of who they're reading about. The conclusion was a bit lacking too. Although it was humorous I have to admit, haha, it needs to hook the reader and make them want to continue reading. So far I think it was a pretty good chapter though despite those minor things. Very great work ! (:
| Idareutoguess 4/5/10 . chapter 1
Interesting start...Although the language change was kind of confusing it was pretty creative. Hmm I wonder what "everything" is all about haha, reading on! (:
| Sparkling Sploosh 4/5/10 . chapter 1
Interesting, the prologue got you hooked, but for someone who doesn't understand this language it could be a bit confusing. However, you did a good job with the mood of being scared and rushed. I am curious to see what she was running from, and what it will bring.
| White Carnation 4/4/10 . chapter 2
You write very well! I love your description and the parts where you talk about movies, making it sound modern and natural! There are some mistakes here and there, but those are easy to fix and not as important as the content. The part where your mother was bragging about your grade sounds like something my mother would do! XD Very realistic, I love it! Also, what is Sanskrit? It sounds fun! :)
| Ghosts 4/2/10 . chapter 2
I love the description. It's full of color. No bland words here. Few minor spelling or grammatical mistakes, I recommend getting a beta reader, or even reading over your work so you can find those mistakes.
The tale itself is completely realistic in my eyes. Everything here can occur, and it's very well culture wise. It's a different world, Mumbai, and writing a story about it here on fictionpress is very bold. I admire your bravery. CONTINUE ON!
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse 3/29/10 . chapter 3
I love all the movie references you use, makes the story so much richer. Nice action in this chapter!