|Reviews for Coffee, Embrace and Another Love Story|
| StoryMonster 4/4/11 . chapter 2
Again, I really like the Indian feel of this, it's really hard to find stuff like this on FP!
1. 'Nearly 38 degrees' '38' should be in words. So should '10th' and 12th.
2. 'I reloaded the page twelfth time, aware at precisely this moment, at least ten lakh other students, their impatient parents, and the parents' friends, and friends of friends were staring expectantly at the web page, which was refusing to appear.'
It should be, 'I reloaded the page FOR the twelfth time, aware, THAT at precisely this moment, at least ten lakh other students, their impatient parents, their parent's friends, and the friends of the friends were all staring expectantly at the web page, which refused to appear.'
3. 'Finally the Lord, maybe decided to have pity on me.' It should be 'Finally the Lord decided to have pity on me.' No commas, no 'maybe'.
4.'The fourteenth time, the page loaded slowly…My heart beat so wildly, I am convinced, it was showing through the flimsy material of my shirt, leaping madly towards the computer screen.' The tenses are messed up here, and it should be 'At the fourteenth time'.
5. Your punctuation is kinda messed up all over, and there are loads of commas where there shouldn't be.
6. '"Are, Aparajita's result..Yes…Yes…84.5%...Very good, I agree…" he roared into the phone, daring the poor soul on the other side to contradict him.' 'Are' is Are as in, in Hindi, right? I suggest you put that in italics. I read it as 'are', and it confused me, until I realized it was in Hindi. But I liked that line, it was funny. xD
7. 'The part "Three more than your Shalini" was implied.' The PART three more? I didn't quite get that, but it was amusing.
You may want to look through your grammar and punctuation. I think that you may be writing like you speak, in an Indian way, so it seems kinda messed up. Just a couple of fixes and it'll be great.
Plot-wise, I liked this chapter, and the anxiety it conveyed because of the Boards. The Hindi chatter made it all the more interesting, and funny. It adds this special Indian humor to it. However, the Hindi phrases can make it difficult to read, even if you HAVE mentioned the meanings later. Perhaps you should try to imply the meaning somewhere in the same sentence or paragraph.
Looking forward to reading more!
| StoryMonster 4/4/11 . chapter 1
Pretty interesting start. I liked the whole dry Inidan humour about the thing, which I can really understand because I'm Indian myself.
Tip One: 500 and 300 should be written in words, as in, five hundred, and three hundred.
Tip Two: 'His bushy eyebrows raised and a steady muttering about 'the-generation-which-is-so-gone-out-of-hand' and similar sounding stuff, he started the taxi, and joined the sea of vehicles.' That sentence doesn't quite make sense!
Other than that, it's quite intriguing!
I'm off to the next chapter.
| allegro rao 4/1/11 . chapter 9
aw, loved the chapter again. Strangely,this chapter felt a bit more personal to me mainly because I think we've all had a time when we're up late at night doing work or something of the like. I like how all that was described. I don't think I have much more to say about the story right now.
PS: It's been a while but letting you know to check out the Saga of Varadon when you've got the time. Reviews are much appreciated and I too will gladly respond when I have the time :)
-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse
| allegro rao 4/1/11 . chapter 8
A really nice chapter :). My only criticism of this chapter would be that it felt much shorter than the previous ones but it was well spent. Character interactions were decent and I enjoyed the little 'star-gazing scene' and the Orion bit. That's about all I have to say right now. Well Done!
-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse
| allegro rao 4/1/11 . chapter 7
First Off I see that you're back on the roadhouse forums? It's great to be back to this story. It's still as good as when I last read it: Warm and funny.
I do however have a small criticism. It's probably just something only I have but I found quite a bit of this chapter difficult to read owing to the mix of Indian words and terms e.t.c. now when reading the story I do get a vivid impression of where this story is set however maybe it's because I haven't read it in a while but reading it now it's kinda jarring sometimes and hard to understand. The translation notes do help although in future if there's a way to fix this without losing whatever you intend for the story then that's also awesome. At the end of the day it's your awesome story and only yours. Keep the good work up!
-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse
| mandysoccer 3/30/11 . chapter 6
Hey there! Been a while since i reviewed this so I figured I'd come back for more :)
"Hehe" I laughed weakly.
Woah, nice cliffhanger! I'm really liking Ankit here :D Must be a pretty embarrassing situation, huh? Good stuff :D I also like the relationship between Madhvi and Apa! Although Madhvi's probably a different person now and all that - she seem kind of fake. But, another great chapter :D
| Whirlymerle 3/29/11 . chapter 2
I’m really glad I read this. Though I’m not too familiar with the education system in India, I can definitely relate to this story. Aparajita’s desire to be a journalist instead of an engineer like her parents wanted is understandable as well. I like her (or rather, your) narration. She seems clever, but realistically so.
[It was time for some Hiroshima-Nagasaki action] Loved this! The metaphorical dropping of the atomic bomb cleverly describes what Aparajita is about to do.
| BestOfTheWorst 3/29/11 . chapter 12
Things are heating up! I read this a while back when it was several chapters shorter than it is now; I liked it even though it wasn't my usual thing. It really is refreshing, though. Aparajita's way of narrating is so different from what I'm used to.
You've done a great job writing this. Aparajita's thoughts make even the more mundane situations interesting. She's got a kind of character to her that I don't see much in people's writing anymore. I'll be waiting for more.
| I-am-happy 3/29/11 . chapter 1
Oh! In a sorts its creepy, but very grabbing! I loved your writing style from the start and I am so excited to read more!
| jj1027 3/29/11 . chapter 2
A very good story thus far. As someone interested in indian culture, I find this a fascinating read. It is well worded, and carries the start of a very interesting plot. I can not wait to read more.
| mandysoccer 3/11/11 . chapter 5
I love the picture you painted for us about your teacher. It was quirky and made me remember my schooling days. I see you got the idea of writing an article from Wake Up Sid! Pretty cool, I hope she succeeds! Aparjita's narration as always is engaging and fun to read (:
Courtesy Review Marathon link in my profile
| mandysoccer 3/11/11 . chapter 4
Pretty short chapter, so there's isn't much to say, really. I think Geet is kind of abrupt, but in a good way. (?) She reminds me of a friend, so that's pretty realistic!
One thing I dislike is that maybe you're adding too many characters to fast? Just a word of caution!
| mandysoccer 3/11/11 . chapter 3
Awesome chapter XD I loved the bits about Ranbir Kapoor! It was nice how you injected a few doses of reality into your story.
I also think Ankit is a very cool character to add! He seems genuine and very funny. The last bit must have been so embarrassing for Shikha! YOu wrote that very well. Nice chapter!
Courtesy Review Marathon, link in my profile
| mandysoccer 3/1/11 . chapter 2
Reviewing as I go, here!
'The temperature was running high, nearly 38 degrees, in the late morning, and so were the tempers.'
-Edit: This sentence seems too long-winded for the first part and the last to be connected. Maybe take out 'in the late morning'?
'I reloaded the page twelfth time...'
-Edit: put 'for' between page and twelfth.
'T-squares and mini-drafters run in my blood!' So funny XD
I loved the hindi phrases here and there, esp. because I understood them ;) Very good story so far, I'm sorry to say that I can't be reviewing each chapter, but I'll definitely drop some in from time to time!
| mandysoccer 3/1/11 . chapter 1
Interesting start! We immediately have some insight on the protagonist's character - she seems pretty cool (: I think that the thought should be in italics rather than quotes. But that's just me! I like the last line, I'd love to read more (:
So you're from India? That's cool, I am too! Well, my parents are at least. If you're looking for more India-centric stories to read, then you should definitely check out my sister, StoryMonster's story.
Anyhow, off to the next chapters! (: