|Reviews for Coffee, Embrace and Another Love Story|
| Screaming Dean 9/21/10 . chapter 2
I can relate to the main character since she's in school. (Is this a self insert?) I love self inserts when they're done well, and this has been done very well. Even though there isn't a whole lot of sction in this, this is still an enjoyable read. Thanks for posting.
| C. Tattiana H-H 9/21/10 . chapter 10
I swear I love Delhi to bits there is an undeniable charm in its chamkeela Chandni Chowk and Karol Baugh, to the wide, clean expanses of South Block.
-Edit: This sentence needs some punctuation, my dear. Try a period after “bits” and perhaps a comma after “swear”. Right now it feels like two sentences crammed into one.
I could stand for hours watching the Amar Jyoti at the India Gate, dreaming of UPSC exams, IFS, IPS and IAS cadres after my degree.
-Personal: As much as I adore stepping into the foreign, there’s too much in this sentence that I don’t understand and it makes for a rather frustrating reading experience; especially so early on in the chapter. Perhaps it’s just me, but I think you rely far too heavily on final notes to help explain things. I really think you need to find a healthy balance between introducing readers to this foreign setting (well, at least foreign for me) and what we are already familiar with. You just tossed in four acronyms that make me wonder what the heck you’re talking about. I mean, I can guess what they refer to, but I don’t like how I have to either a) scroll down to the bottom of the screen for the notes to explain what it is, or b) wait until the end to read the notes. When you throw too many things at a reader they’re not already familiar with (I’m talking acronyms and names of places), it detracts from the overall reading experience because the reader can’t fully engross them in the narrative; they have to stop and mull over what you’re writing about. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that when you incorporate too many things the reader has no thorough understanding of (language, lingo, acronyms, names of places, et cetera), it can turn them away, because it creates an ocean of distance between the reader and the story. I came to read a story, not something I have to continually consult a glossary to help me understand. I am all for culture—especially culture I’m not familiar with, but you really need to find a healthier balance here.
"Ahh& I know the exact reason. Determined to impress Maya?"
-Edit?: Not entirely sure why there’s an “&” beside “Ahh”. Perhaps just a typo.
Maya was his cute classmate and lab partner, who dropped by at least thrice a week.
-Personal: I would change “thrice” to “three times” since it reads rather oddly here.
Hmm, yes, this definitely felt like a plot chapter. I felt you could have done more with it, though. When she steps into her house, do familiar scents cause her to pause for a moment before she settles in to watch the match? I just felt like you could have added more detail regarding the setting, as well as scents, into this chapter.
Nothing terribly exciting, but that’s all right. A decent chapter, overall.
| A Kiss in the Dreamhouse 9/20/10 . chapter 11
I just love how realistic this story is. You add these small details that really elevate the story from 2-D to 3-D, something quite rare in an FP author. Things like the cousin in Australia - I mean, who doesn't have one?
'I had decked up in those cute little saris with elastic when I was three years old'
And come on, who hasnt been through this experience?
Haha, looking forward to seeing Aparajita with a saree on! Update very soon!
| ranDUMM 9/19/10 . chapter 11
To start off with, I can completely relate to the sari shopping. I do not know how many times I've been dragged off, and they keep changing their minds because the 'yellow is too light' or the 'patterns are too big' or something of that sort. So great way to begin :P
And for the Chance pe Dance reference - I just fell in love with this chapter ten times because of Shahid Kapoor *swoon*.. (I realised it wasn't from the actual movie, but I'll take what I can get :D)
- "As I was not interested in buying, much less, wearing one and was quite out of loop of the 'temptation'." This sentence technically doesn't make sense. You've started with a cause, but didn't finish with an effect. You can either word it like this:
- "As I was not interesting in buying, much less wearing one, I was quite out of loop of the 'temptation'." OR;
- "I was not interested in buying, much less wearing one, and was quite out of loop of the 'temptation'." Otherwise it won't make sense.
I liked this chapter because it was so easily relatable. I found that I pretty much was in one of those exact positions (though I wasn't forced to wear a sari). I also started to feel the tension of the wedding in this chapter. I loved the 'love affair' between the two fiances; really cute :)
A great chapter, keep up the work! Sorry I haven't reviewed for so long; I've been swamped in exams.
| seredemia 9/17/10 . chapter 11
I could just imagine how colourful that sari shop was... And I know the feeling of shopping for things that you know you're not going to wear... I really liked the shopping in this chapter. I think you did a good job describing the saris and colours. I also liked the image of Aparajita and her sari. And how it un-draped and how it fell off her when she was in college. Hehe, I could so imagine that.
| Wounded-Petals 9/16/10 . chapter 4
Courtesy of the Roadhouse
[They both were almost a year older to me, but we were still in the same class, hence they were the old dames in our hostel.] 'To' should be 'than'.
[Rewind back to two years, some months and days back.] maybe revise this sentence and omit one of the 'backs'
Okay, this was another nice chapter. Somehow I'm drawn to Geet and her abrupt attitude, it reminds me of a friend of my own friend. The part where she explains how her fantasy is to fall into the guy she really likes arms was funny. The image of it happening is neat as well as something that I think anybody would like to see go the wrong way.
| RomeoAwaiter 9/12/10 . chapter 2
Yes! A fellow indian on fictionpress!
I do love your hindi sayings in the story, gives it an extra something special
| Vroooommmmmm 9/12/10 . chapter 11
now b4 the review, congrats for the award, tho i dont know where and how it was given :P pardon my ignorance...whether a contest was held on FP or in RH or newhere else or someone else managed to stumbled upon it and decided that it shud win the award which it shud be and which it has...
and yes, sorry for the lateness, indeed you shud be :P anyways readers will excuse the hour becos e1 tends to be busy during their busiest times...
now 4 the review - again beautifully written and a short chapter, amazing scenario, plot line is improving but the style has slackened from the previous chapters, dint hook me like the others but good nonetheless. there r some punctuation problems, so dis chapter wud definitely need a relook or re-editing if you ask me. the dialogs are engaging and the characters are pretty well developed. But then I think your previous chapters have been much better than this. this could be more 'embellished'. well not a bad chapter, a very good chapter n the title is also good. i think your glossary has a mistake tho...look at it.:)
overall i wud give
keep writing :) :P
| Idareutoguess 9/6/10 . chapter 6
Ahaha loved the chapter. It was nice to see an interaction between Aparajita and her old friend. Although things seemed to have changed between them, well I'm guessing though since I've never seen her before, because of the many uncomfortable silences. Which is pretty realistic since its been three years, they're obviously not going to be the same people they were then. Its kind of sad to think about :\
Aha, now she meets Ankit, huh? I wonder what's going to happen between them. Also, why didn't Aparajita want to see him? I mean she's only met him once so why care? I guess its because she likes him a bit though. Oh well, I'll soon find out! (:
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 9/6/10 . chapter 5
I think that people who are waiting for love tend to write about idealistic love, especially in the high school romance genre.
Anyway, I loved the picture that you painted of the teacher; the little quirk with the spectacles definitely makes him memorable as a character. And ooh, go go Aparajita for her article! Yet again, you've written an engaging chapter, and I wonder if she'll meet the guy at the cafe again...
...as I drifted [off] to my dreamland.
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 9/6/10 . chapter 4
Heh, 'the one who cannot be defeated' totally suits your main character. This slice-of-life chapter was very enriching, and was also incredibly fun to read. Aparajita's friends sound awesome; she totally struck lucky on the room ballot thing, and I loved your description of the night at the end of the chapter.
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 9/6/10 . chapter 3
Congratulations, again! Heh, this chapter was devious but so cute! Aparajita totally showed that other girl where to go. The internal and external dialogue was snappy, the observations on popular culture kept this fast-paced, and the comment about Aparajita's mother made me laugh.
However, this chapter could do with a little brushing up.
Firstly, I found the opening very confusing, especially this line:
"This degree is not offered by any university or institution."
Even after re-reading the opening, it still didn't make much sense to me, and felt a little too muddled.
The Beta was not any different from [any other?] who could afford this cafe. Wearing shirts that looked they were worth [one] hundred rupees...
Here, I think you missed out on something in your sentence:
We had even chatted about the merits of .
I would say something [needs comma] he would make a face at me
Finally, your notes at the end were really helpful, but there are some definitions that I think you could incorporate into your story, like the Pulsar. We could find out what it is, simply by the context of a comment, or you could even explicitly say what it is. Try to minimise the number of terms in the glossary!
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 8/27/10 . chapter 2
I liked the opening of this chapter; it was snappy and witty at the same time. You managed to convey a sense of time through your descriptions of the various items in the room/house, and you did well in building up the tension.
Oh gods, talk about family pressure! This line totally hits home: "My father phoned all the relatives with considerable relief" and from my experience, it's something that all cultures can identify with (apart from white cultures) so that really hit home. You captured the politics really well too family friend rivalries, things left unspoken there was definitely a communal feel to the results day.
Aparajita seems to have gotten off pretty well then, if her parents are giving the go-ahead to be a journalist!
| Vroooommmmmm 8/27/10 . chapter 10
great stuff there...this is a story with a gr8 indian feel...liked the vocab...subject to a little bit of editing, here and there,,they are mostly punctuations...and spaces...here and there...this is a gr8 story...but w8in for more...
| Sakina the Fallen Angel 8/26/10 . chapter 1
Short, but definitely an intriguing set-up that leaves me wanting to read more. You've packed in a lot of information, but maybe you could add in a tiny bit more description though, as this just seems to be a little too brief. Finally, there should be a comma after 'Madam' but other than that, I spotted no errors.