I hate to return on just the prologue for now, but I’m short on time. I will definitely come back for more.

The period after “Hills” needs to be a comma.

Comma after “I wheezed.”

The comma after “around” needs to be a period.

“his busy eyebrows…” this sentence gets long/confusing.

“Or maybe, here went everything.” A suggestion ;).

So far, though, I like the prologue. Sadly, I have to eat watermelon. xP. So be back in a bit.

JSM

A review for The Roadhouse forum

Hiya! )

Reviewing chapters 4- 7

Chapter 4-

I really enjoyed the descriptions of Geet and Binata and how you kept each character unique. They act and speak like real people, which makes the story a more enjoyable read. In fact, all the characters have interesting personalities that are shown throughout the chapters.

Chapter 5-

"Duh. "Yes sir." Actually, I have written my name on the top for decorative purposes…hahaha…."

lmao

The reactions towards Aparajita's possibility of getting into Beat is well done and stays true to each characters' personality (Sorry if I'm sounding redundant) Especially how Aparajita feels about the quietness of the cafeteria.

Response to question: I think people write about love because they are waiting for/desire it, yes. I think it's common for authors to use the main character of a story to fulfill their own wants and needs. It makes sense, too. I mean, even if the character is nothing like yourself and your writing about him/her, you feel as if your going through what the character is going through. So if you make a character that's like yourself the whole story kind of feels like a memory. XD

Chapter 6-

Was Gaurav going to ask Aparajita out? (I think they would make a cute couple XP)

lol I really like Madhvi, especially how, when Aparajita picks up the phone, she doesn't say 'hi' just 'where are you?'

Chapter 7-

I laughed so hard when Madhvi started digging her nails in Aparajita for knowing Ankit and then when she gets 'white-shirt's' number XP

Once again the reactions and dialogue of the characters are really amazing! Obviously you put a lot of thought and time into each chapter

Keep up the great work!

(Repaying a review)

Well I have to say this story has wonderful dialog. It is rich, flows evenly, and overall, just feels believable. You have a way of making the character's personality come out through their words, something that many authors fail to achieve. I think this is a vital part to a story stylized like this, so good job, and keep it up.

Though I don't know much about Indian culture, or if you are Indian yourself, I must say that the setting seems very much believable. If you have been to India, you have done a great job at replicating your memories onto writing. If you have not, then you certainly did a good job at making it seem like you have :) I know very little about the place or the culture, so, at least for someone as simple as me, I'd just have to say you did a good job at making everything feel right in the setting.

I think its also worth noting that in making this setting, you have not made it too exotic. This is a good thing, for many of us readers who have not been to these places, there are many things we do not understand about them. The fact that you maintain a unique cultural setting while providing an aura of familiarity throughout your work is truly delightful. You do a great job at making such a unique place and culture accessible.

I think it is fitting that dialog encompasses the majority of your writing. Your story after all, is more of a lighthearted social experience than an action flick. And while I would hate to disrupt the steady flow of your writing (which is by all means great) I would think it good to include a little bit more description. Yes, I have a jist of what everything is, but I do not have a real image. So, while I think you should still continue writing in the same manner (lots of dialog, little events in between, steady flow of plotline) I think taking a little more time on imagery wouldn't hurt.

Aside from that, great job.

Oh it says on your progile your sixteen. High five! I'm seventeen. Wow othat was random.

"Why did you not talk with him?", okay i have no idea but i imagined an Indian accent when she said that. Lol i've completly forgot where it's set so im not sure if that was your intention.

Geet always demands…figures, numbers, rules, information et all", is that meant to be e.t.c all. If it's e.t.c all is redundant. And if it isn't ect...i have no clue what the last thing is.

I liek your imagery in the story. SOmetimes your dialogue sounds a bit awkward, but the storys fairly unique. Alot of storys are set in some american high-school. I love a clique but this makes a nice change.

another great chapter..with a neat pace as usual...nice work there..gr8 vocab...you can still improve a lot on setting and environment details...dialogs were nice...

'My heart beat so wildly, I am convinced, it was showing through the flimsy material of my shirt, leaping madly towards the computer screen.'

Don't need a comma after 'convinced'.

'He had good reason to be relieved too.'

Comma after 'relieved'.

'My parents were actually coming agreeing with my decision!'

You don't need the word 'coming' in there.

You know what I found exciting? I once read a book set in Mumbai (a really good book, I might add), so I actually know what Marathi is, and I even recognized the words 'mother' and 'father'. XD

Anyway, I love how you built the tension throughout the chapter. I'm curious to see how this will play out for our narrator. This is something original and it looks interesting.

Aparajita is such a great character! I especially couldn't help but laugh during her inner monolouge while Aankhen was talking. Aankhen is another great character - I love how his nickname came from two different sources! As a magazine, though, shouldn't Beat be italicized?

As a person fascinated with Indian culture, but not too familiar with it, I am in love with your Author's Note right now!

First off, I love the fact that her parents were completely okay with her becoming a journalist. I think a lot of stories fall in the rut of parents being the constant villains, while in real life, it's a lot like how you wrote (the parents being completely okay with something the child was nervous to ask about). I also liked how you pointed out flaws in her character without being overwhelmingly obvious. That way, you were able to introduce a well-balanced character without going through typical and boring direct characterizations. I'm definitely looking forward to the next few chapters!

A very nice chapter with galloping advances in the plot and plenty of humour to be shared around...in generous portions! I really do love the way you write now. The stream of thought method is very effective to let the readers actually get into Aparajita's head and look at the world from there. In my opinion, you have certainly written this story with a masterful grasp over the use of this style, being able to let the readers SHARE her perspective rather than just merely told or shown. It makes us feel as if we are in fact involved with the story, sitting on Aparajita's shoulder as we observed the scene through her eyes. Actually, you have written so well that makes me wonder whether it is something of an autobiographical account or not. You seem to understand her character really well, so well that you can describe the world from her perspective (e.g. like when you described 'his cappuccino-brown eyes', relating to her job around coffees).

Now, the true beauty of your writing is how you managed to convey all of the things I've mentioned with just a perfect amount of description. You haven't gone on a description extravaganza that strives to invoke the readers' five senses (in a very jarring way). Neither have you given us threadbare description that would leave our imagination thirsting for more. You have given us just the right amount of descriptions that allows us to set up the scene without ever jarring from us from the reading of the scene. This is certainly one of your strengths and it seems to come naturally to you as you write. Lucky you! :D

One slight drawback is the very beginning of the chapter. It is VERY sudden and we are left fumbling around for a while, trying to make sense as to what on earth is the speaker referring to. Especially with the beginning line being a dialogue, the reader cannot help but wonder whether it is Aparajita who's talking. That initial misunderstanding left us wallowing around in further misunderstandings in the ensuing paragraph you see. I was left thinking 'wait a minute, I'm quite sure that Aparajita isn't one of those posh ladies being described' etc. I do eventually get what you are trying to say of course (and I do appreciate that it's dang funny) but you might like to set out a clearer image at the beginning of the chapter with some more description. Maybe just some further elaboration that the first sentence isn't Aparajita who is speaking might do. Instead describe it being one of those posh customers (with the comic descriptions that I'm sure you're well-versed in).

Now, some more subjective view on the whole thing. I must admit that I feel a burst of triumph when I saw Ankit and Aparajita kicking out that posh lady. Personally, those girls really aren't my type with all their perfumes and their overly expensive clothes... Well, just telling you that there's a guy somewhere reading your story and smiling at this comic rejection scene. :D Well, that's all I have to say. Well done and may your imagination flows!

Here from the Roadhouse!

I had to reread a few chapters to refresh my memory of the story, but now that I'm up to speed, I can give you a better and more appropriate review.

I was a little taken aback from the first paragraph of the chapter. There was so many words so many Indian references that I failed to understand T.T. I just wish I had a grasp on what she was talking about because as of now I had no clue (maybe it is just me- I apologize!).

Oh woah, I thought she worked at the coffee shop... and I thought throughout the whole seen that she was working there.. and then a few chapters down, I found her on her computer in the cafe? I guess she's not working this day? Sorry for my confusion, my bro is playing really loud music next to me T.T.

I liked how this is finally starting to get into the summary you provided for us in the story- you finally gave us an intro to her fantasy love character from a series haha. I wished that you could have described the person's appearance more. I liked how you gave the background info on the guy, but a physical description of his appearance would have greatly enhanced the story. As of now, I'm just imagining a very handsome, young, Indian man. However, I want to envision the story the way YOU intended me to, instead of me filling in the gaps. You know what I mean? Bottom line is- I want to know how sexy he is XD! I'm Sorry i just had to say that lol.

Ahh, I realized you introduced more characters. I just wanted to say that I thought you did it nicely. However, allow the readers to absorb the other characters before you introduce new ones. So far, I remember her parents, but introducing her co-workers.. that girl who wants the attention of the other guy... and all the Indian references gets me a little mixed up. You may have noticed that I don't say the characters name (I remember their names, but I can't spell it haha) and I apologize for that.

There were a few sentences that seemed kind of wordy to me- seeming as if you are trying really hard to inject as many info as you can. I appreciate that, but I think you need to work on it a little bit more. You tend to connect ideas by adding multiple commas in one sentence. And at other times you tend making the sentences too short, making it somewhat choppy. You have the ideas and the flow, I think you need to work on your transition a little better :). Overall, I enjoyed the chapter. I am very thankful, though, that you added the words at the bottom of the page to help me out.

Now, for the things you can tweak:

- I saw a few past/ present tense errors, including misspelled words, but a simple reread would correct those minor mistakes.

- the party scene... The pay was of little consequence or consolation.- as I stated before, the transition is a little off. I know that you are trying to make the readers really get into what she's talking about, but at the same time, be reminded that it doesn't always flow as nicely as you intended. Just be careful with that :)

As he walked away, I gave a low moan...- I thought "moan" was a little too much. Maybe a "sigh" would be more appropriate "dreamy sigh" or something

Hoped you enjoy this review. I can't wait to hear from you soon :D

-Agent

Very interesting. Nothing really happened in this chapter, and I felt that it was a bit of a gap-filler, as another reviewer has also stated. I loved the interaction between Aparajita and Geet. It was real and believable. Geet's character is a very relatable one, I think.

Mistake:

"'What are you [doing by] the way?'"

- Edit: Comma needed.

P.S. Come check out the Review Marathon. The link is in my profile.

The interaction between Ankit and Aparajita was really cute. I love how unsure she is around him; it really realistic and honest. Madhvi's behavior was really weird, I thought. But it's obvious that she's no longer the same person Aparajita knew three years ago. There is one thing that I don't like. Why can't her parents know about the job at the cafe? Is it a family prejudice or something? You really should clear that issue up.

Very nice. I don't like the way you write characters at the cafe. I have no idea about their personalities or interests or even their appearance. Normally I don't like physical descriptions, but your lack of one is odd. I did like Madhvi, She was fun and refreshing, a great change of pace. Nicely done.

Oh, and by the way, the title of the Backstreet Boys' song is "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely." You forgot a few words. (:

Very nice chapter. I liked the way Aparajita sleeps through her classes. It's a character flaw (always a good thing), but an amusing one. I thought that the jealous-type reaction was very realistic as well, but that whole scene after Geet left seemed...off. I don't know, it was just awkward. I didn't understand some things, and it was all very vague.

Mistake:

"S'cuse [me I] am busy,"

- Edit: That's two sentences, so you should split it into two parts.

In responcse to your author's note:

I have personally never been in love or had any sort of romantic relationship, and I don't write romance. At all. It just seems stupid to write about things that I have no clue on. I might mention a side relationship, but my main characters don't get into that, and the plot is never about a relationship. That's just me, however.

This chapter was confusing, to say the least. Somewhere along the line I must have missed the time jump of two years. I don't think you broadcasted it, and that's something you really need to do. It wasn't very well done.

Mistakes:

"'Excuse [me I] am still here!'"

- Edit: This sentence contains two complete thoughts and needs some sort of separation.

"'See [you unkind] old dames.'"

- Edit: Use a comma to separate the sentence from the title.

I liked the interaction between Aparajita and her friends. I could tell before you mentioned it that they were older and more experienced than her. It's always nice to have some kind of mentoring/sounding board, and I'm glad you added it to this story.