|Reviews for Persephone's Flight|
| Themory 10/2/10 . chapter 1
I always imagined Hades as a somewhat dark character. If not dark, then at least nonconforming xDD. For him to be so poilte to his brother (given Hades is the older sibling) seems kind of illogical to me.
Sorry. I don't mean to criticize your story right at the beginning after you've written so many latter chapters already and thus it's impossible to change.
This was just an opinion of mine. But of course mythology can be interpreted in many different ways.-
Also, I always imagined the love between Hades and Persephone an unrequited (at least in the beginning) one, which is what your story portrays so I like that.
| Alias Blue 8/31/10 . chapter 2
Hi. Sorry this took so long to deliver, but it probably won't be unusual. I tend to take a long time to review. :) Anyway, down to business. A couple typo's I noticed:
“in way of greeting” - I think it should be 'by way of greeting'.
“want to claim her as her own.” - should it be 'as their own'?
Okay, I don't know much about Greek mythology, but Demeter is Zeus' sibling, and they had a child? I won't make ignorant comments now. :)
That last dialogue from Zeus was heartbreaking, but a little odd that he would say all that aloud to himself? Maybe find another way, like, she read it in his countenance or something?
“I have just gotten done talking” - Why is it I read that in a southern American accent? hehe. Grammar slip. Anyway, I think you should change it to 'just finished talking'.
“But no laughter came. Dread settled like a cloud above her senses.” - I love that last line. Poetic and dramatic.
“felt the life of the Earth harvest begin to dwindle away.” - uh oh. That perhaps encompasses the entire feel of this chapter. Hope disappears.
Again, I like your update of all the Gods and the name-dropping of some of the others, like Aphrodite. This was a good chapter to show Demeter's reaction, and it was heart-rending. Though the drama of it was expected, and I think it was written very well.
I particularly like the 'stench of the underworld' line.
I would say I'd like a little description of mount Olympus and where they are, because right now I visualise all their conversation taking place in a giant, blank whiteness. lol. With Zeus' chair of course. You've got me quite interested in Greek mythology now. :)
- Alias Blue returning review.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 8/9/10 . chapter 1
Okay, to be honest because I know nuts about Greek mythology, I can't really comment on your question of sticking true to the real stuff or not. Norse on the other hand would be better for me to guess. And trying to get authentic sources of Irish myths is proving to be a pain. The best I could find would be the Ulster Cycle and it's not even ten percent close. -.- Anyway, I do think that this is a very good work in rewriting the famous Hades-Persephone myth. Or rather from the very little I've known about that, things seems pretty much in place with the original take. Do take note of my first statement here. Meaning everything was a wild guess albeit I did come across this story when I was a kid. Can't remember much now. Anyway, I really like the interaction between the characters as the whole thing seems really realistic.
If there's anything I can suggest on improving, it will the the one area I can think up of now. And basically that would be Hades relationship with Zeus. Quite obviously they have never been at odds with each other, but I just feel that you could have fleshed out the whole thing further like whether Hades felt any contempt for Zeus, was there any subtle form of envy towards him, etc. The same goes for his views on Olympus since while you've stated the cause, I think you could have done more on the effect. Namely a fleshing out of his views on the place. But of course I think the two critique are more of a nit-picking here since my brain isn't functioning properly at the moment. x.x
P.S: If it's okay with you, I hope you can review A Ranger's Tale.
Add P.S: Because you've started on two other works of mine just only on a first chapter basis, I hope you can actually inform me if you wanna continue reviewing them first or go along my prefered option on reviewing A Ranger's Tale. That plus Circles of Arven was like forty plus chapters hence I don't want you to push yourself too hard in the process of reading the whole thing.
- From The Roadhouse. :)
| white wolf97 8/8/10 . chapter 4
ok, so she's STILL a virgin? i'm confused.
| white wolf97 8/8/10 . chapter 1
i like this one. :) i always wanted to have an explanation of the story of Persephone and Hades. i'm going to assume that this Kore chick is the roman name for Persephone. :D
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/3/10 . chapter 10
I really liked this chapter! We got a bit more description of the Gods and the kind of world they live in, the way they interact with each other was shown really well and the whole banquet scene was handled brilliently! Nice work. I liked Persephone's reactions to it; she had a great balence of wanting to be there but being intimidated by them all, too. Great work.
| sophiesix 8/1/10 . chapter 8
Ooh I’m intrigued about thatanos… heh heh does he have a lithp?
“She was both nervous and excited to be on the chariot with him; adrenaline was pouring through her veins, and she hoped that it wouldn't make her do anything rash.” Do the show first and tehn the tell, e.g. “Adrenaline was pouring through her veins . She was both nervous and excited to be on the chariot with him, and hoped that wouldn't make her do anything rash.”…?
I like the detail of her stinging her ears, it really makes the scene feel real.
“"It's just...I feel so strange and hot, and I can't breathe right."
Hades put a hand to her forehead, an alarmed look on his face. "Do you feel feverish?"
Lol, so cute! Persephone is so sweet, and Hades drops his cad attitude for a sec, that’s really endearing.
Oh, the cad, fancy sticking the tongue in for her first proper kiss! I suppose he is a devil though, lol.
So great chapter: very nice length, some description of the setting, great interaction with the our two main heartthrobs, and some spice of betrayal at the end… :D
| sophiesix 8/1/10 . chapter 7
"Great, she thought. I look like a wild beast from the forest" lol, but not quite as in period as the rest of the? lovely narrative
I thought this was a good little detail, but would probably fit better with the previous chapter so they aren’t so short. :)
Bring on Hades! :D
| sophiesix 8/1/10 . chapter 6
“Her quiet peace was abruptly broken when a bird landed” I have a thing against passive voice in an active situation. (plus, as you know, a thing against adverbs X) ). So consider rewording with an active verb form e.g. “Her quiet peace broke as a bird landed…” the active verb form makes it sudden, so then you don’t need abruptly :)
Do you mean a crane or a crone?
Ooh I like how Hecate’s faces change, that’s cool!
I got a bit confused about the difference between Helios and Apollo?
A shortie but a goodie ;)
| sophiesix 8/1/10 . chapter 5
Lovely portrayal of Demeters loss and sorrow here. Maybe even some more of your lovely description about the dead and dying earth around her would be good?
“The thought wretched the pain deep into her heart” wrenched?
I got a bit of a mixed image at the beginning, because first she is empty, then she has despair, and ten she has pain too, and fear, dread, sorrow, and maybe hope, so I dunno, I was kinda conflicted about her being ‘empty’ as such? Maybe ‘empty but for the…’?
“Nine days.” Ooh I like that! Dramatic!
“The gods enjoy when a mortal is hospitable."” Lol!
“apologized, keeping his eyes averted from Demeter's.” you don’t the ‘from Demeter’s, I reckon, its unnecessary baggage?
It would be nice to have a bit more on why metaneria is so averse to her child being blessed? I mean, the fire I can understand, but once she realises who Demeter is… is it just pride that makes her refuse?
This was a great counterpoint to the melodrama happening in the underworld, nice way of balancing out the story!
| Agent.Frappuccino 7/30/10 . chapter 3
Hey there Review Buddy :)
In the beginning of the chapter, you kind of repeated "silent" and "silence" a lot. Try to avoid using the same word. Maybe "quiet" or "not spoken" or something like that. I felt like it was too repetitive.
Oh wow! I didn't know God's get migraines XD.
You definitely have the characters down. It's just that, as I have mentioned in the previous chapters, the descriptions of their appearance is lacking. Except for Kore of course, which you described beautifully when Hades wanted to see her cry just because she was beautiful. However, c'mon, Hades is a god! What does he look like? Does he have fangs? Does he have a dark aura around him? And his Chariot, does it have a distinct design? Is it dark? etc. Also, the views they could have passed as they rode to Hade's world would have created a beautiful scenery. I know you focused a lot about character interactions, but I just wanted to let you know all the opportunities to express images to the readers is equally important :).
I also felt like Kore is leading him on. I sympathize with both characters because I know Hades loves her, but I also know Kore was wrongfully taken too. It is like, you're playing tug of war with my heart strings XD. I liked both characters, however, to be honest, nearing the end of the chapter really threw me off. I thought Kore would be more suspicious, frightened, and resisted him. Instead, she "gingerly" hopped out of the chariot. That sudden switch made me scratch my head. Yes, it is okay to sympathize with Hades, but if I were in her shoes, I will not forget about my mother, my home, etc.
And how human they acted threw me a little off guard too. Hades winking, and all that jazz. I just thought it happened way too swiftly, and I thought the transition from her home to Hade's layer would have been more turbulent. I was also surprised by how fast she accepted him as a "husband"- that came out of no where for me. Sorry if I'm being nit picky, but just wanted to be honest.
Overall, I enjoyed the read :)
I was so involved with your characters that I only found a few things that you can tweak (mostly the ones that stood out most to me):
Her tearstained face would be beautiful, he mused, with her widened green eyes from shock, her windswept brown hair, natually [naturally] lightened by the sun, and the blood staining her face red from her tantrum. - I love the detail you have here, but I thought it could have been written a little more smoothly, and also would be nice if you italicized Hades' thoughts.
-"I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable[comma instead of period]" He[smaller case "he"] said , rushing out of the room, his cloak swishing around his body.
That's all I caught. Even though it moved too swiftly for my taste, I thought it was a great and entertaining read :). Hope you like this review! Can't wait to hear from you soon!
| BalletGirl98 7/29/10 . chapter 1
I really love your writing style on this...
| Dreamers-Requiem 7/27/10 . chapter 9
Poor Demeter! I do not blame her for being angry at Zeus - he really should have thought about it more before agreeing :P Anyways, overall it was a good chapter, although, and I know I keep banging on about this, it could have done with a bit more description! What's the room actually like? What do the different gods and goddess look like? What's your actual interpretation of them? Just little things like that would really add to the overall feel of the story. :)
| this wild abyss 7/27/10 . chapter 8
I'm glad this chapter was longer than your other ones. It was easier to get to know Hades and Persephone without the constant chapter ends. Persephone's sheltered life is really amusing, and the way Hades is carefully explaining things is great. Nicely done.
| sophiesix 7/25/10 . chapter 4
teh begining of this one i found a little repetitive? i like how kore nevers gives up trying to politely squirm away though, lol! you go girl!
"Grinning slyly, he growled playfully" oh such an awesome moment, you just Can't put two adverbs in it, its not fair!
"Her shrieks echoed across the room," love that, a beautiful show!
"sweat beading on his forehead from chasing her around the room." don't think you need 'from chasing her around teh room?"
"He loved her, she thought, and it seemed alien" Nice! i love that sentence!
hmm, you explain teh name change pretty damn well, but it would be even better if Hades had used his sleepless night in thinking of why this name was perfect for her. maybe she outshines teh sun, and so destroys its light, for him?
this is a great story!