|Reviews for A Scream in the Night|
| PowerOfTheHand 5/30/11 . chapter 1
Very poetic, I like it. But stupid Kimberly went back to sleep, how dumb.
| Zingaresa 8/15/10 . chapter 1
I think you used the word "scream" too many times throughout this piece, and perhaps too many ellipses as well. It started to stand out and detract from the flow because of the repetition. Your opening sentences could be stronger, too: "Someone screamed" is a lot stronger than "suddenly there was a scream". I tend to be in the camp that argues that adverbs usually detract from the strength of a sentence. I don't know that you even need the falling sentences-or sentence fragments-"in the dead of night" and "or in the early morning". Especially "or in the early morning". I'd definitely nix it. I think later references to Kimberly waking up are enough to establish that we're either in the night or in the morning.
Throughout the piece, I don't really feel like I'm in Kimberly's head. The narrative comes off very detached, and I'm getting almost no reaction from Kimberly herself. Is she thinking about the fact that her eyes are attracted to things that "stick out"? Or about being at the grocery store and noticing a display of cans? And if she is, why? I would be thinking about the scream that allegedly sounded pretty painful. And, after thinking about the pretty painful scream-or set of screams-I wouldn't be going back to bed. Not if I'm awake enough to realize what's going on.
As to the license plate... whether you leave it in or not should depend on whether or not you intend to continue this. If you do, I'd leave it there. It can be an interesting, even pivotal point to build on at a later date, and the concept of a license plate missing characters from the middle is both inventive and intriguing. On the other hand, if you're going to leave it like this, it seems very random and doesn't really add anything.
The final thing that bothers me about this (actually, it's kinda related to not feeling like I'm in Kimberly's head) is that I don't really get a sense of urgency. There was a scream. Kimberly woke up. She looked out the window, and there was an unusual car. She went back to bed. Fin. I'd get rid of some of the extra words, shorten my sentences and avoid repetition as much as possible, and add more reaction for Kimberly. That should do it.
Overall, I think it would make an intriguing start for a longer work if you cleaned it up, but it doesn't stand well on its own.
| Types Of Greed 7/28/10 . chapter 1
Stupid girl. I mean really, if you hear a scream in the night, you would wake up in a panic and try to locate the source! Also the part about the liscense plate is pointless to the story, unless you'd turn it into some secret organization or whatnot, but other than that it's an interesting side note, nothing more. I honestly did not like this story, because of the way the girl acted.