|Reviews for Villain|
| Amadeus Crane 11/12/12 . chapter 6
Do you work for Bethesda?
| Amadeus Crane 11/12/12 . chapter 1
That is brilliant.
| daughteroftherain 4/13/12 . chapter 25
Wow! I'm really impressed with this story! Your style and your writing are excellent and enjoyable to read, the plot is original, the characters well-developed and intruiging, and you set up some wonderful cilffhangers! It's really exciting to come across good writing, thanks!
| Wakes to Dream All Night 1/7/12 . chapter 10
I'm totally loving your story. It's original, well-written, and I love the touches of humor. :)
| Chocorange888 4/12/11 . chapter 25
Hi I noticed that you haven't undated for a while, this story is too good for words and Helel is the perfect anti-hero, my favourite kind of protagonist. Anyway, I just hope there will be another chapter some time in the future. Thanks for the story.
| xofallenangelxx 4/6/11 . chapter 25
Awesome story! Update soon!
| artofjula 12/30/10 . chapter 1
So your summary had me hooked. And now this first chapter definitely reeled. I mean, besides all the caps lock, it was a very good piece. Helel, rather creepy (doesn't Morning Star refer to the devil?) but I find him very interesting in his own way. I like how he personifies the Drip and Silence which is very good diction for your part! Great beginning.
| Deleted37 11/1/10 . chapter 25
Hello. I just wanted to review and say that I am thoroughly enjoying this story, and hope that you do not wait too long before the next post-you left us at a rather dramatic cliffhanger. Overall, I think this is an excellent fic, with interesting, well-fleshed characters and believable motivations and interactions. I might, however, suggest finding yourself a beta, or simply re-reading chapters a bit more before posting, as there are various, slightly distracting grammatical and stylistic errors scattered throughout-but then, they are not such an issue that they detract much from the actual story. My one real criticism would be with your chosen title, as thus far, I think most readers will agree that Helel is not much of a villain. Selfishness and egotism, however irritating, do not really qualify a character for the outright evil such a name implies. Rather than a sympathetic villain, what you have so far is, I would say, merely a standard antihero. The murder of Nestor was a step in the direction, but that is really the only act of outright villainy yet to be performed, weighed against many chapters' worth of simple self-preservation and hurt feelings-for the pursuit of vengeance, while not exactly heroic, is not exactly villainous, either. However, I also understand that this fic is far from finished, and the villainy may be yet to come. Either way, I wish you the best of luck, and applaud you for creating a very good read.
| Lianoid 9/16/10 . chapter 1
Silence meant that he wasn't screaming in pain. Silence meant that he was alone…and being alone was the only time that he felt safe.
-Style: Remove all of the “that”’s.
As much as the drip was his enemy, it was his lifeline as well.
-Gah! I thought I remembered this rule, but then as soon as I started typing it out, I realized I didn’t XD. I’ll have to ask Sir about this one, but I think “as well” is one of those inserted phrase dealies, because of which, a comma is needed before it.
would be no drip, and
there would be no Helel either. Sometimes, he prayed for that day.
-Oops. Accidental odd line formation here. You’ll want to put “there would be no...” on the same line as the first quoted one.
In the beginning (which was funny to the man, considering time didn't really have meaning here)...
-Personal: Since Helel is “technically” a boy (still in his teens, if I recall correctly), I might suggest changing “man” to something more suitable, otherwise the first image readers will have, is of a character who is much older than you intend on him being.
Reminiscing over things in the past, such as the last time they'd seen the light of the sun. Or inhaled something other than the stagnant, rotting air of his cell.
-Personal: I used to be the Reigning Queen of Epic Sentences, so feel free to ignore this suggestion. I would merge these two sentences together because I think it’ll read much smoother.
In truth, it was becoming more and more difficult to convince himself that there even was a world outside of this darkness.
-Style: Remove “that”. I’m gonna get’cha for all of these. Emily weeded out all of my unnecessary phrases, words and whatnot, so I’ll afford you the same courtesy. :3
Break for compliments.
I adore the lack of character description in this. You focus solely on his inner workings and don’t provide the reader with any physical descriptions of him. It creates an awesome effect that contrasts awesomely with the drip and dungeon feel. It really do sense he’s just some forgotten nobody rotting away in dungeon. This is seriously one of the best first chapters I’ve ever read and it’s still just as brilliant the second time reading it, too.
...sifting the truth through the sluice of make believe.
-Brilliant line. I really like that.
Eyes closed gently, a peaceful expression overtaking Helel's features as he eagerly anticipated the end of his suffering…
-Edit: I feel this should read instead, “Eyes closing gently, a peaceful expression overtook...” or “His eyes closed gently, a peaceful expression overtaking...” because right now it reads as if the tenses are a tad mixed up. Could just be me, though.
A voice? And one he knew, for that matter.
-Personal: I think “for that matter” would read stronger as “at that” instead.
But it wasn't the candle that held his attention so much as the one holding it, Helel looking up into the face of the last person he thought he'd see again; His mother.
-Personal: Is there a reason “His” is capitalized? I think it just might be a simple error.
Everything about the woman screamed angelic...
-Personal: I would change “the woman” to “her” since the sentence previous says “woman” and it reads a tad repetitiously.
Raven black hair sparkled in the generous flame, the eerie shadows cast making her appearance almost ethereal.
-Personal: How does black hair sparkle? And I just noticed you used one of those descriptions I’m not the hugest fan of: “Raven black.” :3
“Oh how it hurts me to see you like this, Morning Star."
-Edit: Comma after “Oh” I believe.
Swallowing once, then again, the man opened his mouth and made several croaking noises before rediscovering his voice.
-Personal: Again with the “man” description.
The candlelight gave her eyes a sunken, haunting look as his Mother finally unburrowed from the side of his neck,
-Personal: I think “his Mother” would read smoother as “she” instead.
For the first time since she'd arrived, the young man was finally able to conjure up a decent emotion other than blank shock, the conceived disgust rising within his belly and giving birth in a sneer.
-Personal: Again with “man” vs. “boy” thing. Also, brilliant description there at the end with “giving birth in a sneer” bit.
"You just didn't want my blood on your hands. As if you aren't still killing me by throwing me in a prison to r-."
-Edit: I just found this out recently. When someone is being cut off, dialogue is ending abruptly, et cetera, an em dash (the longer one) is needed, as opposed the regular ol’ hyphen.
"How DARE you?”
-Personal: I prefer italics over CAPSLOCK talk. :)
-Edit?: Hmm, tricky. I don’t think the exclamation mark at the end of the ellipses is necessary, but I could be wrong.
Then, with one finally glance into
the royal blue eyes that were a perfect
-Edit: Another one of those spacing issues; put the second line on the same line as the first. :D
A mother and son only in name, no matter how many tears attempted to wash away the lie.
-Another beautifully written line. Excellent work, Weary—I had actually forgotten how much I adore this chapter.
He'd almost forgotten about his gift and curse until it was all that he had left, making the young man miss the company of his Mother that much more.
-I know what he’s talking about now! Ha-ha.
-Edit: Also, I think if you remove “that” in this sentence, it would still read correctly.
Yeah, Helel was beginning to understand that really well now, between this and his freedom, itself.
-Edit?: Not sure if the comma after “freedom” is necessary.
Falling helplessly to the side, the man desperately rubbed his face against the damp patch...
-Personal: That “man” thing again. :P
There was nothing else that remained of Helel, nothing that even remotely resembled the man he'd once began.
-Personal: “began” reads oddly to me here. Should it be “been”?
Ah, this chapter is as chilling as the first time. XD Gosh, I love this story! Still reminds me faintly of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis, definitely. Um, let me know if I’m being too critical. I know you asked me to check the tone of the latest chapter, but in order to do that I have to re-read everything and then let you know—sorry for taking so long, by the way.
The tone in this chapter was solid. The only time I felt it shifted was the first and last paragraphs. It wasn’t a bad shift, though. The opening paragraph was da bomb, and then the second paragraph shifted in tone ever so slightly to a more personal perspective, I guess. Yeah, I think that’s what it was. The first and last paragraphs served just as they’re supposed to: they pulled me into the scene and then gently faded out of it. So, kudos to you for that. :D
Excellent work, as always. I look forward to re-reading this, actually. Let me know if you just want me to skip ahead to the last couple of chapters and see if I can figure out how I feel about the tone and whatnot. And yeah, brilliant opening piece. :D
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/28/10 . chapter 25
I'm in shock, like seriously.
The arrival of the insects, followed by Beelzebub? So. Freaking. Clever! Great chapter, especially with the interaction between Helel and Judas and the way you had Beelzebub keep him quiet. Reading the scene with the insects was...just...well, I thought I was going to be sick at one point. In a good way, if that's possible. It was just described really well. Please update soon!
| Ganheim 8/24/10 . chapter 2
of it's cosmic joke.
[“it’s” is the contraction of “it is”, “its” is the possessive]
Somewhere amidst her words,
[If he’d been craving human contact so much, wouldn’t he know immediately when she embraced him, even being more aware of that than her words?]
the force enough to fully turn his head to the right.
[I sense that there should be a stronger sense of force than just “fully turn his head”. “to snap”, maybe, which also carries temporal implication that helps ramp up the scene?]
from it's place on
Yeah, Helel was
[The “yeah” seems to weaken the sentiment; it would fit in dialog but doesn’t seem to match the narrative]
proved to be it's final
There was no point in struggle; he'd long since been pushed past his limits.
With an incredible amount of effort,
[Inconsistent: is he broken or is he willful?]
pulsating violently as though they were veins.
[Veins do not normally pulsate _violently_, hence that word hurts the description]
at least not by anyone still alive to tell about it.
[If there’s never been any survivors, then NOTHING should be known about them – even whether or not they exist]
and never bothered to return.
[They never felt like it? That sounds like one of several ethnicities of a “Vanishing/Lost Woods” where people are enchanted by the forest itself and just laze around. If you mean they were incapable of returning, just saying “never returned” would carry that connotation nicely]
He'd be taken into the throne room and beaten by each member of the royal family,
[Seems dangerous, if a man knows he has nothing to lose then he wouldn’t have anything to stop him from taking down one of the royals even if he has to use his bare hands]
put that to the test, one day.
[Or, rather, NOW]
if he'd had any reserves of strength left, he'd have snapped their spines ages ago.
[So is this Helel a superman or is everybody able to break spines like dry noodles?]
culminated in it's under destruction
opened their fully length
[their full width?]
the soldiers would continue
[Why “would”? Do they not actually do so?]
[I think leaving this unsaid would’ve been better for the narrative]
Still, nice to know they cared enough to torture him before sending him to his demise.
[This paragraph had been consistent in direct portrayals, but this looks like dialog sarcasm. The inconsistency creates uncertainty in the scene]
the young man was never even allowed the time to touch the ground. Beefy fingers wrapped around one of his ankles, and with force that defied the laws of gravity, Helel's entire body was brought in a rainbow arc
[I’m guessing that your story’s supposed to be serious, but at this point it becomes like one of the comic “what did I do” beat-downs like out of Ranma - it’s a corny comedy from Japan, but the point is that it’s lost the validity of realism. You’ve gone on quite a lot about his terrible condition, then going on to thrash him in ways that would likely kill a healthy human takes it from “this poor character” to “this story is ridiculous. When do we get big, pretty explosions to distract us?”]
of blood flowig from
A wracking cough was enough to finally clear his airway
[What about that those broken ribs? Oh, right, you already gave Helel either recuperative powers or the density of concrete]
His body had shut down completely, body convulsing
[Repetition of “body”]
The vague story idea from the summary was potentially interesting, but your MC seems more like a beleaguered protagonist (with overemphasis on “beleaguered”) without even thoughts of “I’ll get you for this”. The first chapter I wasn’t sure of, but the second chapter went more into “telling instead of showing” – nothing crippling there, but enough to concern me about future chapters. What WAS of critical damage was the scene where he was beaten – his state of health is never directly attested in chapter 1, but in 2 you state so many times that he’s a gaunt near-skeleton that there’s no way we could reasonably be expected to believe that he’d withstand any serious punishment. If you’d had the guards drag him out and unceremoniously dump him into the “death forest” that probably would’ve served your story better than a scene of “hey audience, feel sorry for this person” and a collection of what amounts to fatal injuries.
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/23/10 . chapter 24
Wow. I'm kind of still reeling in shock from helel actually killing Nestor. Nicely written scene, with Nestor and Lucien talking to him at the same time, must have put him under a fair bit of pressure. I like the way you had him decide not to do it, and then...just. Wow. Shocker there.
Helel is so crafty, it's admirable really; I'm glad Usui went to help him, and the way you had him enter the scene was handled, like everything else, really well. Their interaction is great, and I loved the scene with them creeping across the rooftops, very gripping. Onto the next chapter!
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/13/10 . chapter 23
It wasn't until I was a paragraph into the next chapter that I realised I hadn't reviewed this one. I was way too eager to find out what happens next!
Yay for Usui stopping Helel from making a mistake on that scale. I love the relationship between those two; they work well together and are clearly close, and you've shown that well throughout their time together.
The scene with The Baron and Drucilla was handled well; he clearly is an idiot, and it makes the reader feel bad for Drucilla for having to put up with that. Also, when she's reacting to Helel's 'state', it's done well; it's not too over-the-top but it's not understated, either. It's clear she has feelings for him.
"Not about me and you, but what I can do for you? So I guess whatever this is that we were feeling...it was just to get me to do your dirty work? Is that it?" - NO HELEL!Don't be an idiot! He's just turning around his own feelings on her.
LOVE the part where he calls her 'His Drucilla'. It's weirdly sweet and you can clearly see his feelings growing for her.
The ending scene was tense and slightly scary - what's that boy up to! He's overreacting but like everything else it's written really well.
Yeah, enough fro me, great chapter.
| Dreamers-Requiem 8/3/10 . chapter 22
Aw man, those poor, poor boys! Haven't you put them through enough?
Anyways, really good chapter! I love how you started with Helel trying to comfort Sumner about Bart. The Baron really is a coward, isn't he? The way you showed Helel sort of slowly blacking out was really effective, especially with him still fighting. It worked well rather than it becoming unbelievable that he couldn't do that with that sort of injury. Instead, it made sense.
The only thing that bugged me was, throughout Helel's fight scene, what was Sumner doing? Just standing next to the assasian and watching?
Sumner's fight scene WAS really quick, and I'm starting to question the judgement of whoever hired these guys. But I think the way you did it, again, made sense; to me, it seems as though they've just really underestimated the guys.
The ending, my GOD the ending! Helel's just saved the Baron's life to kill him himself? Brilliant! The last two lines were hauntingly powerful, with the echo of 'one more stop'. Awesome, as always.
| Dreamers-Requiem 7/29/10 . chapter 21
Such a good chapter! Poor, poor Bart! At the end, I just wanted to hug him. His feelings and conflictions were done really well - the blurring of the lines between good and evil is, throughout this, done really well. The fight scenes were gripping, especially at the start, and I like how Helel tried to sort of calm Bart down about the situation.
The only thing is, I wasn't sure if the other boys had left Usui to fight; maybe you can mention them going on when the fight starts? And during Bart's fight scene, I wasn't sure if he was on his own or not until the end.
Anyways, loving it as always!