Really nice imagery! I liked the tone... jaunty, maybe?

Good language and rhythm, and I like the voice as well. Captivating imagery.

This is probably my favorite thing I've read from you so far. I really liked the almost sing-songy vibe you had going here. With the "hey there" and the conversational tone, I felt like these were lyrics to a pretty wicked song. Lovely imagery throughout, as well. This line:

"with regurgitated

jelly doughnut grease stuck against

their crooked pearly teeth"

wasn't my favorite but it certainly painted an image in my head. Very clever use of the word "regurgitated". The beginning stanza was my favorite and a great hook as well. The flow was smooth and I also liked the fact that it all seemed like one giant sentence, though you separated it into piece. There was minimal capitalization, which I found worked in this piece. Nicely done.