|Reviews for South of Heaven|
| Nesasio 4/24/12 . chapter 10
Thank fuck for small miracles.
...running the gamut from incredibly deadly to pacifist...
-Isn't 'incredibly deadly' kinda a relative term? I mean, I know this is 3rd POV but it's basically focused on Kane right now so it doesn't seem like 'deadly' would be a concern for him.
the search for the shadow demon's
They go stretch almost all the way...
-Omit either go or stretch
Deciding she could wait any longer...
Ending: I always like your chapter endings. You use cliffhangers well, so I always want to read on. Granted I've read ahead so I know what happens, haha, but the last line was a nice bit of suspense to hook people.
Scene: The detail in the fight scene at the end was good. It was pretty straightforward about where the demons were and how they attacked them, so it was easy to follow and entertaining. I think in some places the sentences were a bit long so it didn't have a driving sense of urgency anywhere, which couldn't hurt (especially right as Kane lights up the cave, as Adrianna's pumped up for the fight so things would probably move pretty quickly in her head there, slowing down when she was watching the demon attack Kane), but for the most part it was solid.
Dialogue/Characters/Other: I know I've mentioned this before and you explained it as style and I still don't like it but I accept it for the most part BUT I thought the info-heavy dialogue between Kane and Xander was a little weird in this chapter. Generally speaking, their conversation when Kane came back was to the point and the information conveyed was necessary, but the way they did it felt a little out of character for them. I don't know how to describe it, but the whole scene played out like they were very...domestic, like husband and wife, and that was really jarring for me. Like Kane coming home to bro-wife Xander and them discussing their dinner and evening plans. Granted their dinner and evening plans are death and destruction, but the way they talked about it so straightforwardly came across as off. I dunno, maybe that's just my weird take on things, but it lacked the edge I associate with them, particularly Kane.
| Love-Me-Insanity 4/22/12 . chapter 12
Right, get on your computer and update this story! I can't wait to see what will happen and it's not fair that I got hooked on it, but there's no updates. Anyway, loved it so much. I am shit at writing reviews so don't mind me.
| Tekla 2/1/12 . chapter 9
... Kane would make a good addition on the fashion police. XD
I always find it awkward when the term "his legs carried him" are involved. or anything involving mention of legs. definitely just a me thing, but it definitely just sounds super weird to me. anyway.
Is the tingling in her neck because of the rest of her powers, or was it something that just started recently because of all the demon activity?
[oldest female friend] didn't wanna say girl friend, didja? lol
[grimace, "Welcome] I would've put a period instead of a comma.
I haven't got much to say here, obviously. except excitement with the fighting :D oh boy, hunting! hope Xander got a good piece of somebody, lol.
| Tekla 2/1/12 . chapter 8
[So she turned back to her audience.] This could do just as well without the "so", I think.
[I really thought my day was looking up then, Kitty.] This is the only place where kitty is capitalized, so I'd make 'em all or nothing. Y'know?
[I agreed, of course"] mhm.
["Has anybody ever said you curse like a sailor?"] *snerk*
Kane is ridiculous, hilarious, and awesome. XD The banter is winrar!
["You saw that," she choked out] was this supposed to be a question? cos with the comma I certainly don't read it that way.
[She nailed a bat in mid-air, sending the tiny animal careening into a nearby tree, crushing it beyond recognition.] ahahah! awww, poor thing. bats are awesome. *koff*
*watches Kane sail through the air* nice one.
MAGIC! no really though, it is.
She giggles at Gabe's stake-related death and Kane doesn't say anything. Good of him. XD
["Good call," he replied. "I totally would.] omg. XD ... AND THEN HE omg he crazy. XDXD
[And nice legs.] I can't get enough of this, XD
[two-way street, my dear.] he says stuff like that? seems super... weird. although that might be because I'm only familiar with DP Kane and he's totally different than this one.
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 7
[the vamp's mouth] I could be wrong, but I could've sworn "vamp" was capitalized in previous chapters... something to check, I guess.
whoa. bye, ear.
[aren't you?] missing a quotation mark here.
[I think you should just chop it off. More efficient, you know.] aha, oh men. bit difficult for you lot. also, I'm in the market for some research methods and was excited to maybe learn some, but these are all a bit too harsh for my characters, alas. still, I'll keep an eye out. XD
eh, never mind. bye gabe! I shan't be seeing you again!
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 6
["Because I've only been mentioned by name in three texts over the centuries, and I don't see any of those here."] oh do tell! maybe not now, but do tell. 8D
["What? You idiots don't believe in God? Why do you think crosses and holy water work on vampires?" He shook his head. "Come on, people; get with the program."] I know he's a scumbag, but blimey he's awesome. XD and blunt, I like that too. haha.
you're pulling off a lot of information in a small space of time really well. doesn't feel rushed or info-dump-y at all. nice :3
['Whatever,"] random apostrophe lol
clever idea about the donated blood, haha. clever girl. *headpat*
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 5
dominationnnn! I'm not going to say where my mind went at first. *brick'd*
the kane/xander dialogue is so freaking epic. the holy water bit was hilarious. XD
[enormous gut putting enormous pressure] not a fan of the repition in the word choice. also, you're missing a period at the end of this sentence.
[Mark caught her in his strong arms] *swoon?*
kane to teh rescue! kinda! he's still flippin hardcore tho, so awsum.
... yeah my reviews are going to get progressively worse in helpfulness, if you can imagine that. yeah. XD
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 4
Darnit, she didn't. oh well. good for some other pwning.
[I'd probably be cursing to.] *too
[As Adrianna stepped up beside him, Mark addressed his question to Kane's back.] I'd rather swap the two phrases around since I first thought Adri was speaking but she wasn't and it was disorienting and boo.
I feel like the plot just sped forward a couple hundred clicks, but then again I pretty much already know the whole plot, so don't mind me.
[what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?] doomsday, but don't worry about it too much. :D
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 3
Alrighty, fighting! woohoo!
[should he need it.] pft, as if.
[ the bartender was eyeing the situation nervously from behind the bar.] this paragraph felt really awkward to me, mostly cos it shifts the focus from kane to the bartender, who I definitely don't care much about XD take what you will from that, though, I think it's mostly a stylistic thing and you're so content not to change any of that lol.
ohboyohboyohboy ari's gonna get THRASHED 8D
| Tekla 1/15/12 . chapter 2
[of the street, in front of] I would've ditched this comma.
[grab somebody to eat] XD
[you know there's only gonna be hookers and crackheads out this close to dawn; they taste terrible.] XDXD
[If I happened to miss something, and your ass gets set on fire, please try and keep the screams down.] XDXDXD
Okay, I'm going to stop lol'ing through your chapter now...
baha broken ribs can't get fix'd they just sit there and stab you 'til they sort of get better. sucks to be Mark.
What're protectors in other cities like? o.o
sneaky intro-ing of the other uh... heroes? hopefully they get more screentime soon, I can't remember if they do or not lol. so nice on that front.
| VelvetyCheerio 1/15/12 . chapter 12
Well, the review box never had formatting, so I sure hope this doesn't end up as one big text block. In the event that it does, I'll keep it short and simple. xD
You know, you really had me going with that whole vampire thing. I seriously thought Kane and Xander were ready to make some alliances, but no0o0o0o. Oh well. Pretty innovative way to go, I must say. Sucks that the majority would be so gullible, but eh, when there's killing that needs to be done...
I think my favorite scene had to be where Adrianna tells Xander to get the doctors out of the room and that somehow translates to flinging them into walls. XD It certainly keeps them from getting security, but it's probably also overkill.
Awesome that they saved Jeff, but how are they going to defend him against a minotaur? Especially with Xander weakened? Hmm. Hopefully Kane shows up, but even if he doesn't, I expect an awesome battle to take place.
| VelvetyCheerio 11/6/11 . chapter 11
I like how Kane just started vandalizing property like that. XD Oh well. If this demon king whatever he is crosses over, the people are going to have a lot more to worry about than holes in their libraries.
The levitation was nifty. I wonder what else Kane can do? o: I don't know why he doesn't use his magic more often, unless he's saving the big guns for the big fish. Hmm...
Aah, strangulation. Kane always stays true to form.
It's unfortunate that Kane would side with a vampire. I mean, Kane can take of himself, but now that they're working with this vigilante group of humans, it'd be great if Xander could be around too. xD The two destroy more things when they're working at the same time. And now that Jeff is down for the count...
[It chased you into the street and got hit by a tractor trailer.] XD The shadow demons aren't very smart, are they?
Hehe, this wasn't a terribly bad cliffhanger, and woot, I'm caught up again! I'm excited to find out what the next thing Kane will decide to torture and maim. xD
| VelvetyCheerio 11/6/11 . chapter 10
Kane has some interesting tricks up his sleeves, huh?
You know, now that I think about it, I have no idea what Kane looks like. I imagine he is at least six feet tall and looks like Hellboy minus the red and several times more badass. Oh, and he doesn't have clubfoot on his hand. XD
But yeah, when he got in Adrianna's car, I was like, "The car is too small for him." But then he just got in the car without much a problem, so now I have no idea what he looks like.
I don't know what he has planned for all those vampires, though. All I can think when I hear vampires now is Gabriel the a-hole and how *that* situation didn't go very well. :\
[Did you know your bedroom window was unlocked?] lol, Kane is a creeper. XD
Aah, sometimes I wonder if any of Kane's plans are thought out completely. xD I feel he always has to go back and "take care" of something after resolving the main problem. Oh well. I'd like to see how Adrianna's friends plan on holding their ground against the shadow demons. They didn't do so well last time, but then there were only two of them, after all.
| Tekla 10/19/11 . chapter 1
I got bored. :3
[voiced their agony for all to hear.] or none. XD
So, up to the first break, I really like the setting of everything. The narration is clear and I like the relationship between Kane and Xander so far. I'd like to know more about their background but that's another story for another day, I'm sure. Your descriptions are nice in that they're not too long or sparse. However, I would've liked a little bit of anything for physical descriptions (it might come up later in the chapter, idk yet I haven't kept going yet). I only really know what you've told me outside of this. XD
[Night was a different story all together.] This little bit confused me for a bit, since you were just talking about how it was during the day. But then it's night... I dunno, I just think that could've been set sooner.
[was somewhat comforting] only somewhat. XD
I like how natural the confrontation with the demon feels. It doesn't feel forced or out of place, so good work with that.
[Ugly-ass brute she thought,] I'd put a comma after brute, even though you switch between italics and non here.
Okay, description of the Crathan super cool. Jus' sayin'.
He just has a sword. Of course. Haha!
... Bahaha Gabriel. I can see teh future and I know your fate! mwahaha! *brick'd*
[and a somewhat foreboding chuckle,] again with the somewhat, XD Go big or go home, I say!
[he's racked up a body count that puts any other Vampire we've ever encountered to shame.] wait 'til you meet Xander 8D
Age? Is that an actual nickname of a person or d'you mean the natural process? XD
Overall I thought everything was set up really well, and I'm excited to see how things get once Kane gets going with our hometown heroes lol. Woohoo! Finally reviewed you back, haha. Rockin'.
| Stephanie M. Moore 9/26/11 . chapter 8
"The sudden lack of stroking seemed to annoy the cat, and it butted against her first with its head."
I don't usually mess with line edits, but I noticed that you used "first" instead of "fist."
For some reason, this chapter didn't feel like your usual style, Don. Probably has something to do with Adrianna's somewhat-rambling monologue to a cat about her awful day, but hey, it was entertaining.
What was more entertaining, though, was definitely the dialogue between Kane and Adrianna at the end. It was very quick, witty, and all in all enjoyable. Kane's shameless flirting was funny, too. Oh and I laughed when he explained Gabriel's unfortunate demise. Really nice work with that conversation.
Invisible enemy... now that's an interesting idea. Shadow demons makes for a good explanation, too. I wonder what is the significance of the tingling Adrianna experiences when Kane is around (there is a certain sexual connotation that could go with that.)
So, I believe I managed to stay on-topic with this review. And now, I'm almost caught up with the updated chapters on here. Good work, Don!