|Reviews for Fatal Sparks|
| BalletGirl98 7/23/10 . chapter 2
I really really love the idea and story.
I love the tone of the characters voice, well like the feel. I cannot wait to read future chapters and see how this amazing idea will turn out.
PLEASE UPDATE FAST
| SomewhereOverThatRainbow 7/21/10 . chapter 2
This is an interesting plot (in a good way). Your writing really puts you into the mind of the character. I love the hair vs. eyes.
I absolutely love the "conversing with self", probably because I talk to myself all the time.
Update soon, I'm looking forward to seeing the direction this story takes.
Great story! :D
| Vinz 7/20/10 . chapter 2
Alo! Apologies. I had planned to read the latest chapter of this, I hope that my lateness has not angered you. This is sci-fi, I do not read scifi on my own so I was not sure what to expect. You have a way with descriptions, it makes your writings stand out. I especially liked this one:
'Then, after my body, in all its sweaty glory, landed next to my bed with a rather spectacular thud, I pushed myself off the floor and into a standing slouch.'
It made me laugh and is easy to picture. You also have pulled off italic thoughts effectively without going too far. I have seen people fail miserably with those. Good job. You have great conflict with your caractere allready and it is not farfetched (for the genre) it is not... stupid I cannot explain what I mean, I do not roll my eyes at it like I have with some writings on this site.
In way of plot, this chapter gives more, you were right. As I said, I do not read scifi but this is something i am willing to try. I like your caractere and your style very much. I am sorry my review is not helpful.
| Alexandra Burton 7/20/10 . chapter 2
Your story deals, generally, with a teenage transhuman who is disappointed with her state of affairs yet cannot do anything about it. So she takes her anger out on everyday things.
I like it.
You've written it distinctly like in Maximum Ride. Yet, I believe, there's a lot more description in your writing. How an actual person argues with herself. And you've neatly woven the story in too.
I'd definitely like to read future chapters.
| Vinz 7/18/10 . chapter 1
This story idea is unique and by the look of it I think you will be successful with it. I very much like this intro. It has its own strong voice which can be hard to achieve. Not a lot happens in way of plot but it gave me a look at what your caractere is like... they are very lively and that made me read on. You have a great writings style. :)
| Jack Steadman 7/18/10 . chapter 2
Interesting to say the least.
I'm looking forward to following this one. Grammatically speaking, I'm sure I won't have much to offer in the way of notes. You've pretty much got spelling and punctuation down (and I think your overuse of ellipses is quite appropriate considering the sort of teenage-esque sarcastic narrator).
However, I will say a few things. The story-like flow of chapter one works way better at story-telling than the prologue. Obviously, the prologue is just there to set up a bit of backstory and character insight, but it looks and reads more like a how-to guide on transhuman survival than a transhuman's reflections on life. I would say, either make the prologue perfectly emotionless, as if it's being told through the point of view of someone else completely, or put it in the same format as chapter one. Paragraphs, not lists.
Now on to chapter one: The greatest strength of the story right now is the narrator's voice. She is strong, sensible, sarcastic. Even without knowing anything about her, we already know her from being in her head for just a few moments. The expositional paragraphs in the second half flow well. Possibly because you are still on pretty familiar territory. The premise is one that, unfortunately, the sci-fi community has seen many times. Be sure to maintain your character's characteristicness, otherwise you may fall the way of Dark Angel or any of the other stories with genetically enhanced persecuted superhumans.
| Snowflakes Are Drifting 7/17/10 . chapter 2
wow wtf, how are they selling peoples? isn't that illegal or something, allthough maybe its not in this screw up world. so its like slaves, the people who are made in test tubes is like lower rank in the society or something. the churches said that transhuman is unmoralful? wow thats its so sad, she's trap in the hell place, and don't know how to escape, i want to comfort her or something. anyway, nicely written, makes me want to jump up and fight the haters. :P
| Snowflakes Are Drifting 7/17/10 . chapter 1
ew, they had camera's all ove the place? those perverty peeping toms! LOL. and when it said "hate bad. love good." it just make me laughed, idk why. i was like, lol. it's good. idk what's it's about yet, but its pretty good. probably will have lotsa biology in it tho. :D
| EstrangeloEdessa 7/17/10 . chapter 2
I love this character! So sarcastic and... and... wonderful! Yeah, such a lame compliment, I know. Hush. I'm not good at compliments.
Suffice it to say, I think this story is great! Taryn talks about the "transhuman trade" so offhandedly and matter-of-factly, even though it pretty much controls her life. And I laughed when she was describing "the good ol' U. S. of A." We ARE a bunch of idiots. *smirk* And then there's the fact that she hates blue eyes because they're boring. I have to agree with that 100%.
All in all, I award this story a chocolate chocolate chip muffin, and I hope you update soon!
| EstrangeloEdessa 7/17/10 . chapter 1
"Because, you know, you're just that darn cute." I adored that line! I loved the whole thing, in fact. This narrator's voice is great - beautifully sarcastic.
There's one problem, though. This person keeps saying they're stupid, but they seem pretty darn intelligent to me...
| underground-writing 7/17/10 . chapter 2
Another wonderful chapter. Like I have said before your character has a very interesting personality that makes her stand out amongst all the bland characters one can find on this website. I would like to know more about the transhumans, but i guess i'll have to wait. Good work, I can't wait to read another chapter!
| JuniperRhose 7/16/10 . chapter 2
Haha, sticky t-shirts. Funny, as long as they're not on you, lol. I feel her (have you said she's a girl? Maybe it's a guy. I'm gonna keep assuming s/he's female) pain.
Oh, there we are. She's a stable girl. :D
I think it's interesting that she calls the other transhumans "them". Why doesn't she relate to the others? Is there anyone she does relate to? Nice way to catch the reader's attention.
Loved the last line of the chapter. :)
Suggestions and stuff:
There is a tense shift in the first paragraph. It starts in the past tense and then jumps when you say "once I wake up I never go back to sleep." Perhaps once I woke up I never went.
Why doesn't she have hot water? Or does she just choose not to use it? If so, why?
I'd like to know more about how exactly she's different, other than the whole science project thing. I understand that people hate her kind, but is there something physical that makes her stick out? Or is it just the tattoo?
| JuniperRhose 7/16/10 . chapter 1
I really like that when you talk about how her mother raised her (I think it's a her, right? Do you say that?), you talk about it as though it's more scientific with the mention of neurons and synapses, rather than nurturing and education. Fits very well.
I like that the words extra special were italicized.
I really like how you describe rule one for the stupid. I think it's very accurate and makes your character believable.
Some ideas/suggestions/etc: :D
Instead of "there are only several guidelines..." perhaps there are only two guidelines since then you go on to say that there are two. To me, "several" implies four or five, possibly more.
Maybe when you're talking about hate from kingergaten, it would be better saying "every kindergarten class is that hate equals bad" instead of using a ... my brain just turned off... forgive my sudden case of the stupids, instead of using a this - : It seems a little awkward the way it is.
Maybe remove the "here" at the end of the sentence saying that they made their own enemies. Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it (interpretation is everything and from my previous suggestion it's obvious my brain is too tired to function, sorry!) but it seems like an extra word. I think I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't feel quite right.
I would remove the semi-colon (I REMEMBER THE WORD NOW)in "Finally, if you are caught; and you've got the government, the religious..." I think it should be a comma as finally if you're caught doesn't stand alone.
| purplehost 7/16/10 . chapter 1
First and most immediately apparent when I was reading this was the fact that the narrator has a personality.
Secondly, as I read this I started finding the plot interesting by the second paragraph. I don't particularly like waiting for several chapters for something to happen, and nothing really happened in the first chapter, but the narrative was interesting in itself Thumbs up on that.
Third, there wasn't a single grammatical error I noticed.
When I finished reading this it reminded of two books. And believe when I say that is a compliment. (They are Anthem by Ayn Rand and 1984 by George Orwell; if anyone cares.)
The only criticism I have is that the narrative doesn't seem quite stream-lined; it was a bit jumpy.
| Slithering Sliver 7/16/10 . chapter 2
I really like the little bits of history, the suspense building and the lead's character formation :) The random talks with self are a good way to change the kind of gloomy mood D Update soon!