|Reviews for Eversong|
| victh 4/13/11 . chapter 22
Hope you'll update the story sometime :/
| Ganheim 8/24/10 . chapter 3
only a few-week-long window
[Since ‘week’ is ‘few’, that should be plural to reflect consistency in the segment]
"Magick...," William murmured
[When an ellipsis ends a dialog segment, it replaces the comma that normally acts as a closing/transition mark]
Something was troubling the knight,
[The fact that he explicitly DOESN’T answer his liege pretty clearly says that it’s more than a minor “something troubles”, so I think that speculation on William’s part might better reflect the notice. Your note of what he does is already good use of positive action to highlight something that isn’t there]
Vincent was easily the most skilled with a blade.
[This feels a bit like a Chekov’s Gun – there’s no shifting of his sword to draw attention to his blade and therefore his skill, or anything else to transition from “here these people are” to “here’s some of their backstory”]
walking off the the edge
He didn't think of the sudden betrayal
[If he doesn’t, why are we being reminded? This looks more like an “as he ran, he thought…” than “no thought”, which should be indicated by nothing but “he ran”]
William barely managed to deflect Dorn's blade away from his neck and knocking the older man off his horse,
[If he barely manages to deflect Dorn’s swing, then he would not have the physical force required to unseat him. If he does so _sloppily_, then that might incidentally dismount his opponent]
He would be an orphan, traveling the world alone, as his dream had always been.
[Without money or a roof over his head or an ally to his name…]
Will had surrounded by logs to form cover
[How would one man find either the equipment or strength to, alone, cut and move a collection of logs to create a log shelter?]
The forest was preparing for nightfall, all things going silent
[This looks like another hollywoodism – there’s practically no place in nature that is truly silent, especially for people who don’t live there (for the normal ambient noise to become so ordinary it’s tuned out)]
watched, though Will
gathered what little he had
[Leaving the fire burning? Pausing to put it out? Both courses offer advantages and disadvantages]
landscape was changing from thick to much less dense forests
[This is exceedingly vague – is there a change in topography? Vegetation?]
The moon… seemed sad.
[Exceedingly cliché. If the moon LOOKS like a frown, that’s closer to acceptable, but trying to anthropomorphize it makes things look like you’re trying to force the environment to do things your setting alone isn’t enough to do]
almost happy to see her, though he couldn't muster any emotions, not even sullenness.
[Either Will is or isn’t able to muster emotions, make up your mind]
even after being betrayed and almost killed by the father he'd loved dearly all his life,
[You just had the character speculating on whether his father would really want him dead, are you encouraging that bit of intrigue or squashing it? Don’t waver back and forth]
Honor meant nothing to him now. It was eternally soiled.
[Translated, this means: Boo Hoo. It’s not very gripping, and it doesn’t clarify the setting or characterization (unless you’re trying to say that Will is whiny, which doesn’t endear the character to your audience)]
"The world isn't so simple as you think.
[This looks like more “forcing the narrative”. Will said nothing to inform her as to his inner thoughts, she doesn’t know any of his history and he’s said nothing (and done essentially nothing) to act as a catalyst to make this event]
Will was mesmerized by the tale.
[Two sparsely described sentences are a tale? Much less one to be mesmerized by? I could see it catching his imagination, but not gripping him like this is]
And he wanted Ashe to go with him.
[Why? She hasn’t proven to be a trustworthy companion, she hasn’t expressed any interest in either going with him or wanting him to follow her]
Changing the subject as quickly as his racing thoughts would allow
[I’ve heard of people with a one-track mind, would this count as the opposite? There isn’t even an indication of a pause, nor a transition of any sort (like a noise or owl or something to draw attention back to the forest) to bring up the person(s) tracking them]
The idea is one that’s been done before but is one that has a lot of room to be told in its own way. Unfortunately, you’re not really pushing the setting or characters to be their own unique, distinct beings. I have a couple of little-described characters with vague motivations (at best) in a world that has almost no description. The actions make no sense for the character, and while that’s not always a bad thing the lack of grounding in the setting ends up holding things back.
| flight06 6/12/10 . chapter 2
I would have liked to see more conflict from the rest of the men before the ambush.
Also, the talk of magick sounds very Eragon-like. I hope you have something up your sleeve :)
William interests me, even though his character is a bit overdone.
Good luck and I hope to read the remainder of the story when I have time.
| El Dood 6/7/10 . chapter 2
This review is designed to give an honest feedback on your story; it is neither an attack on you nor your writing. I come in peace. Honest!
Delete all instances of the phrase “a bit” when not used in speech. It’s a bit redundant. :)
Replace “The man called Dorn” with just “Dorn”. You mention his gender later in the sentence.
“It was a wonder he'd let William go out into the world at all.” Instead of telling us it was a wonder that William was allowed to go, show us. Give an example. You already mentioned that William was redundant due to his elder siblings. Is this just how William feels? His father’s feelings? Or both?
“William nodded. "That's the reason for the expedition, I suppose," he replied.” Delete the “he replied” as we can already tell its William who is talking.
You haven obviously took inspiration from conventional fantasy words in your naming (Eiden & Eden, magic & magick etc.) but I think you may have misspelled travelling and parlour; either that or it is one of the American-English differences. I’m really not sure.
You mention Dorn doesn’t seem himself, but don’t really show it. You could elaborate a little more. Is his body language and posture closed? Is he usually chatty but now quiet? You get the gist.
“Surely Vincent would be slain, all because of William, all because he valued adventure and imagination over the politics and niceties of royal life.” I couldn’t disagree more. Vincent is (possibly?) going to be slain because William has hightailed and ran. He didn’t even try to help his ally. Granted, the expedition provided an opportunity for William’s enemies to plan an assassination, but Vincent is clearly collateral damage and not the intended mark.
I may appear a little harsh (hopefully not) but I usually don’t get past the first hundred words of a story on this site. In your case, I have not only finished the chapter but I’m also leaving a review; high praise indeed! :)
| victh 6/4/10 . chapter 1
I've read a few chapters, so far I'm very impressed.
I swear I have looked through thousands of stories on Fictionpress & , but I have only found a handful og stories truly worth reading. I'm adding this story to that list. Bravo.
I love your way of writing, and I think your story is progressing nicely, without being too short/long. Kudos!
| lili999 6/2/10 . chapter 1
Cheap retail watch, sunglasses, belt, hats/caps, High quality T-shirts,
ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies,ED hardy ,Jeans,GUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel
Handbag…high quality,low to
| Frozen Age 5/24/10 . chapter 4
So far this is looking pretty interesting and shaping up to be something worthy of attention if the quality keeps up. You use good vocabulary and grammar, and enough detail to describe things without dragging it on. Though some things could be fleshed out with more detail, like your descriptions of the characters for example. But that's a small thing that can be improved upon. I'll be keeping an eye on this.