|Reviews for The Seven Diamonds|
| Nicky.Isabella.Cullen 7/9/10 . chapter 16
Just like your other story, this one also captures my attention and keeps me hooked! I can't wait to read what happen so as well as the sequel for the other story I expect you - no I beg you to update this story soon! PLEASE
| flight06 5/29/10 . chapter 1
I don't know if I'll have the time to read the entire 16 chapters as they now, so I'll start with chapter one.
I do agree with much of what the other reviewers wrote, specifically with problems in logic. However, the writing is attractive and keeps you going. This story reminds me slightly of Eragon, though admittedly they do seem to be fairly different stories.
Let's see where you take it!
| Lynn K. Hollander 5/28/10 . chapter 7
"Because without your powers, Tynsford will collapse. You'll be killed right along with everyone else." Logic problem. You implied that Jade can't be killed while she has her powers. She has to lose them to be vulnerable. If that is true, and if it is also true that while Jade lives and has her powers, Tynsford won't fall, she cannot be killed in the collapse. The collapse will happen because she is dead. This needs work.
((This also means that after she leaves, Tynsford will collapse. Does Kardnal know that? Does Jade figure it out?))
| Lynn K. Hollander 5/28/10 . chapter 5
modest/immodest. 'unmodest' isn't a word.
'I had never seen things like this outside ...' Like what? 'The fabric was actually nicer than that, and tailored to fit me. ' The last thing Jade mentioned -way back a couple of sentences ago- was a ribbon. Is the ribbon tailored to fit her? If you mean the nightgown, it's too far away to be the referent, the antecedent, for this sentence. PRONOUNS require ANTECEDENTS!
And here: She pulled me to the table and sat me down. she who? I can figure out that 'she' must refer to Micheel, but I had to stop to do that. Use her name.
((In the diet you describe, fat, with all the calories it has, would be very desirable; it wouldn't be a waste product. Even in here and now sausage and pate, fat, in the form of lard or butter is often added.))
| Lynn K. Hollander 5/27/10 . chapter 1
Somewhere in the last few generations, someone made up one and it's continued on. Unclear referent. 'It' what? The custom of inventing last names? ((How few is few? Also, see below:))
'...practically an adjective.' Jade was first a noun, refering to a mineral later called nephrite and jadeite.
If they're parents have only first names, they make one up, to continue the tradition. Too many 'they' referents; also, of the homophones they're, there, and their, here you should use the possessive **their**, not the contraction of **they are** they're. Problems with your Naming Practice: According to your description of the local customs, these parents must be under twenty. By the time their child is twenty, they will be over twenty and will have either been assigned a last name or inherited one. A child ready for a last name will have parents who have one of their own. There will be no parents who have only first names.
Evidence of the Millennial War was everywhere, though, and they were always reminded. They who? or possibly What who? Unclear referent. The last noun mentioned was 'evidence'. In the paragraph before 'evidence', you mention 'adults' and 'us'. As I ask: They who?
Micheel and Tock laughed, but I sort of liked them. Unclear referent: Jade likes Micheel and Tock? They are the proper nouns closest to the pronoun 'them'. You need to make it clear what you are talking about. Here, try something on this order: Micheel and Tock laughed AT THEM, but I sort of liked them. By putting the first 'them' earlier in the sentence, closer to the noun you are actually referencing, in this case **clothes**, you make a clear connection between the mage's clothes, the noun, and the 'them', the pronoun. This last is totally unclear: We shaved them with metal prongs to eat if they were edible and threw them out with the ashes if they weren't. They what?
'...but it burned itself out without the oxygen...' Burned itself out suggests the flame ran out of fuel, but the small fireball HAS NO FUEL. ((There was no invisible stick)) So why would it go out in the absence of oxygen? Awkward. And why is there no oxygen?