|Reviews for Middle of Nowhere|
| XxNoImaginationxX 6/27/10 . chapter 1
I thought this was a cute story, I like that you managed to get the characters so established in just a one chapter story. If only I could learn to do that, English class would be a lot easier! )
I have just a few suggestions, though the story is fine as it is.
"seeking something more to our tastes"
after reading the story, and Mandy's thoughts that Ryan only cares about himself it might make more sense if it was 'more to his tastes'.
"Mom and Dad aren't home from work yet and they wouldn't like that he was in the house anyway", this sentence seemed a little strained which was a shame because the rest of the story flowed quite smoothly, maybe if it were broken up into two sentences it might make a bit more sense.
Other than that, the only thing that I was puzzled about was the age gap. As the story progresses, the gap seems to get larger, which I guess is what you wanted in a metaphorical state, but it seems odd that if Ryan was old enough to have alcohol when she was 11, then when this story was set he'd be nearly thirty at least (really bad math). Which I suppose only further helps the idea that he needs to get his life on track, and that he really doesn't act his age... If the gap was maybe explained at the start of the story, it might make it easier to understand Mandy's thoughts... though that may just be me.
Overall, I quite liked the development of the characters, and the little flashbacks really added to the story.
| lookingwest 6/4/10 . chapter 1
From RG EF
...watching the fields and road signs go by.
-Edit: replace "go by" with "pass"
...I watch his escapades in the yard.
-Liked your word choice here because "escapade" is a word that I don't think I've come across on FP, let alone in my own writing, so it jumped out as original.
"You've got another Slim Jim."
-I love those! *takes*
He's fast like one of those guys who run in the Olympics only I know he's better than all of them.
-Edit: would insert a comma after "Olympics"
My sandal slips on the gravel and I fall to the pavement, skinning my knee.
-Vivid image here, I almost cringed because it's so familiar which is another aspect I liked about it. I've had that happen before. Not fun.
...your little sister at 3 AM...
-Edit: would spell out "three"
Then again, it's been a long time since I really understood my brother.
-I've got a younger brother and I agree with this, XD
Above me, Ursa Major's distinct bowl points the way to Polaris.
-Loved this line too because it's almost poetic, good use of a narrative voice here too.
... Dad aren't paying attention to what's going on because they gave up trying...
-Edit: would replace "going on" with "happening"
Mom and Dad aren't home from work yet and they wouldn't like that he was in the house anyway.
-Didn't understand this line. Why would they not want him in the house? My parents would rather have my brother in the house than out at some party. If her brother just graduated a year ago he'd only be about 19 now right? So what would you like the reader to know here-that he moved out an he's not welcome back home anymore? I think that might be it but it's too non-direct for me.
-But she's only twelve! She *just* started Middle School :S I dunno, I found the age and the learning lesson a bit unbelievable here. Unless she's Matilda. But a twelve year old cooking dinner when both of her parents are together just doesn't seem likely to me. Then again-I'm a TERRIBLE cook, XD. I just think it would have been more believable if you had her at an older age here and just skipped some years, maybe even at sixteen. I mean you can't say you "grown up" when you're only twelve.
...it's now 5 AM.
-Edit: would spell out five
"Yeah," he retorts...
-Edit: would replace "retorts" with "says"
Alright! So overall I liked the character of Mandy and how you developed her, though the main focus was the relationship between her and her brother. I liked how you integrated the memories because it wasn't so much "Oh yeah, I remember when..." but more so re-living those moments. And I usually hate italics being used but you did use them correctly here and I wouldn't ever dream of suggesting otherwise. I liked to see the change in the relationship, the structure of the short story was pretty basic, but there were some great relatable moments that I liked and made me think of the relationship with my brother too.
| Flagellafella 5/30/10 . chapter 1
I love it. It's intriguing. It's dramatic. It's sweet. It's hardcore. It's epic.