|Reviews for After the Apocalypse|
| Ashborne 12/11/12 . chapter 1
You have a nice idea and a good writer's voice. The visuals are pretty good in this piece too! I like your attitude in this, but I really suggest that you edit your punctuation. You have a lot of punctuation problems. Primarily with your commas. You also use a lot of sentence fragments. This may just be your choice though.
Nice work on this piece. I may read some more of this! :D
| diannewinter 12/9/12 . chapter 1
I like this first chapter, it's very descriptive and at the same time alert and entertaining. The only objection I have is the unballance between telling and showing. Let me give you an example: Telling is: I walked down the street with a gun strapped to my back. Showing is: My pace quickened as I crossed the road down passed the old gate where once stood a large sicamore tree. The leather strap holding yhe gun onmy back, stiffened from the morning's cold. Something like this. You don't need to write poetry, I actually hate poetry in prose.
| Whiger 12/7/12 . chapter 12
Wow the harsh reality of war can change a person 's view Completly, I like how each of the characters have a unique purpose for the war. There were some mistakes on a few of the chapters, but nothing too serious. I cannot wait to see how far this will go.
| Momotami Nanako 12/7/12 . chapter 12
I believe this is a very exciting story, but I may be a bit sensitive, but just be slightly careful with language but this is a really good story. Yes, and beware of violence since it wasn't categorized as violence.
| Highway Unicorn 12/6/12 . chapter 3
Hi from Roadhouse!
First, I'll say what I liked. Okay, I liked the different moods set up in this chapter, ranging from soft and peaceful at the beginning to rough and intense at the ending. It compliments each other, which I find is a good balance.
David seems like a good character, from the little that we were shown...which is something I dislike. I didn't like how short this was, and what little of David we were shown wasn't enough for me to fully understand/picture/connect with him.
What I would suggest is adding in more detail/event so that we, the readers, can get a bigger understanding of David since obviously he is an importanct character if he gets his own chapter.
You can have a short chapter, but just have enough so David is fleshed out at a decent rate.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/6/12 . chapter 1
I seem to remember seeing you comment that you'd rather have plot and character comments rather than technical and grammar corrections, so I will focus on the story itself, though I will say this: the surest way to avoid having technical corrections dominate the review board is to fix the errors beforehand or get someone to read over the piece for you and help you with those. They may seem trivial to you, but to the reader (especially one with an eye for such things), it's very distracting to have technical errors in a piece and it does genuinely detract from the story. Just a heads up. :)
I feel like your opening is a little lacking as far as a "hook" is concerned. Starting off with a character waking up is one of the most common methods used, and thus it tends to be dull. The moment where he looks outside also feels like too obvious of an excuse to set the scene in the reader's mind. "Info dumping" in other words. He'll be outside soon; use the opportunity when he's already out there to feed us pictures of the scene - no need to rush into it. (Show vs. tell, basically.)
I do like the fact that the narrator's initial response to something the reader might expect to be jarring and terrifying (gunfire) is only a sarcastic "surprise, surprise..." which instantly tells us something about the setting. And you do a good job of setting up a gritty picture of this "new" Detroit.
Some parts of the story leave me a little skeptical. Why would these "crawlers" be able to survive this long if their aim is so shitty? What's a random innocent woman doing in a building unprotected if the situation is so obviously dangerous? How can James and his friends afford to pass out food when people like these crawlers could gang together and shoot them up to steal all the food at any point? In addition to that, if the situation has been like this for many "long years" as James' narrative in the beginning suggests, how could he and his friends still "find" food among the wreckage? I would think such things would have long run out by now. Food doesn't last like that.
But maybe as the details of the situation are filled in in later chapters things will make more sense. You did a good job of describing the gore - enough to make me wince, but then I'm a wuss when it comes to gore - as well as just setting up a brutal tone to it overall. I think with some cleaning up, this could be a very promising start to a story. :)
| A. Nonymous1234 12/5/12 . chapter 12
I like the story. There were some grammar and spelling issues, but proofreading would fix that right up. The content of the story is fairly nice, even though the technology seems fairly present day for 100 years in the future. The characters are all well penned, but not all of them have distinct personalities, even though you wrote the doctor's smart ass attitude very well. I am looking forward to more.
-From the Roadhouse
| ElyseSmith 9/8/12 . chapter 1
I'm new here and I was just wondering how violent is too violent. I have a really good story but in the beginning this guy gets shot right in front of the main character. I'd edit it out but the story would make absolutely no sense without the minor violence in the beginning. I'd like to get started on it but the rules said I cant have too vivid violence in my writings. If you could just pm me I'd appreciate it.
Great story by the way you have a way with suspence.
| 96kathy 8/26/12 . chapter 3
Hey, I'm back! I apologize for taking so long to review.
Now moving on to the chapter. I actually found quite a few mistakes.
"Looked to the sky it was kinda blue today..." If I am right you are missing an 'I' at the beginning.
"...it must have [been] around lunch time."
"I had spent all morning [sitting] on the beach watching the serenity..."
"Australia had [been] a place of diversity and wonder, both ecological and culturally but now it was ruins and destroyed ecosystems."
" [I] was able scrounged together a sandwich with stale bread and some fish I recently caught..." For some reason you keep leaving out the subject and when reading the chapter it confused me a lot.
"I grabbed money for my safe, it the paper was slightly burnt and wrinkled." I don't understand this sentance. I think this is what you were trying to say: "I grabbed money [from] my safe, [the] paper was slightly burned and wrinkled."
"[I left] the house[,] but not before I grabbed my .303 rifle, I [never liked] using guns or killing people but when I have to defend my self hesitation never set in." I had a problem similar to this one. You have to make up your mind if you want to write your story in the past or in the present. It confuses the reader when most of the story is written in the past and some parts in the present.
"Al[r]ight, you know how it is Bill."
"...he [stumbled] around out of sight and I thought I heard a voice whispering to him." Keep to the past tenses (since most of your story is written int he past).
"Okay [here] you go David."
"I said as I handed him the money, [I] looked and could still see the tip of the barrel poking out from around the corner."
"at w[h]ere I thought the body of the person holding the gun would be standing..."
"He ran at me with a gun and [wanted] all my stock," I am not sure but I think instead of what'd (?) the word you have to use is 'wanted'.
"...pain overtook me as I fell [a] sleep."
That's all the mistakes I spotted. All over all it was a nice chapter.
Reviews owned: 1/3
| Child of Sleep 8/22/12 . chapter 5
I like the ongoing action in the chapter. It keeps my eyes glued to the words. James Westerfield taking the decision of revenge in this chapter is exciting. He is so far my favorite character. And, again, very nice!
| Child of Sleep 8/19/12 . chapter 4
Wow, the ending was pretty tragic...I liked it. It seemed all movie-like. This chapter really stuck out because of the unexpectedness. The begining had a cheerful tone, however, the ending did not. When things happen suddenly in a chapter, but not exactly surprising, it makes me want to read more.
I really liked the atmosphere in this chapter. Very nice!
| Child of Sleep 8/9/12 . chapter 3
I like how this chapter starts out with a peacful setting, then action, because it made me interested as to what might happen as well as why it was happening. It's somewhat like a person giving you a present, then you get punched in the face, so you're left to wonder why. x)
| B.R. McNair 8/6/12 . chapter 1
Hi, I'm reciprocating the favor from Roadhouse. I'm only reviewing your first chapter for now, but you'll be please to know it grabbed my attention so I'll definitely be reading the rest.
First of all, I love, love, love, love, love, LOVE apocalypse stories. Zombies, nukes, plague - you name it, I'm there. There's something about the constant struggle to survive that pulls me in and hooks me. Your first chapter kind of reminds of the scene in movie right before the opening credits start (if the movie does that sort of thing). It's a very good hook. A little short and maybe a tad rushed, but very effective and interesting. Your writing is concise and very to the point, which suits the brutal nature of the world you have this set it. Flowery descriptions just wouldn't mix well here, so it's good you don't do that. Other than a bunch of questions that are likely to be answered in later chapters, I think I covered it all for now. I'll probably write reviews for your other chapters as well. Keep it coming; you've got a pretty good story here.
Peace and love,
| Winter Blaze 8/5/12 . chapter 1
This is pretty good, but you have a few grammar errors here and there. Also, it seems a bit choppy at times, like when you write about your character deciding to watch the Crawlers a bit. It seems...I don't exactly know, but I think a little proof reading would really smooth out the wrinkles in this. Nice job.
| Highway Unicorn 8/5/12 . chapter 2
The North and South are still at it even in 2162, eh?
I suppose since the world is practically destroyed, it's a good time for the South to strike the North, huh? Or, it could be vice versa, and it's the North who firsted attacked the South.
Hmm, my only suggestion would be to easy up on the usage of 'I.' I'm sure other readers/reviewers already brought this up, so I won't lecture you on it.