|Reviews for D&V The Dragon and the Vampire|
| Sanareth 11/25/10 . chapter 1
"-and I would be overjoyed to me her again."
Meet her perhaps.
Hrmm m Hrm.
I think the foreshadowing: Kim, this man, myself; soon a fourth would join us on this fated day, an epitome of human cruelty and madness. Two would walk away. One would receive justice. The other… Is slightly superfluous as the story is short enough to be read in one sitting, it doesn't need a statement to define it's purpose. It does it all by itself.
It's okay. Although around the transitions in and out of premonition and death the flow is disrupted slightly because there's no other indication where reality begins and vision ends. But I guess that's just me.
"I'm right here, you freak." I heard my voice ring out, shattering the vision-
Taking no more than a second to regain my bearings, I drew my six-shooter from its holster and drew a bead. Though Mortnem attempted to pull Kim in front of himself, coward that he was, I was much faster.
Is how I saw it the first time.
Still it's probably just me.
Otherwise though, everything seems to be in order. The good doctor is polite as all evil should be. Kimberly's place in the title is only evident by around the end of the chapter and all in all its... Solid.
It has the momentum to keep going, with plenty of sparks ready to spring from any prolonged contact between a bounty killer who is violent by necessity and a sanguivore who is a pacifist by preference.
Which brings me to a point; Kim is described as a girl, but that cold be anywhere from twelve to twenty four.
It's a pity that Olivia had to die rather than be turned; since even if she didn't take to the unlife and chose to return herself to the great beyond it would have given a great opportunity for you to showcase how the world works by presenting Kim's perspective in contrast to Olives own understanding.
Wouldn't actually take that much work I think. For example
Kim looked up at Ryuu, and yelled "Go inside and get some bandages. She's still breathing!"
Ryuu turned, still a little shocked at the sudden keening loss of one of his most reliable companions.
"I'm sorry." Kim whispered, before leaning in to bite.
They called it the Kiss of Mortis, a mocking parable of the famed breath sharing maneuver used to revive the recently drowned.
The irony of it was that though it could reanimate those even on the very brink of oblivion fully and wholly, it did so by stopping their heart before their time was up.
Kim heard footsteps,and drew back wiping her mouth and Olivias neck with her already bloody dress.
She watched as her dear freind opened her eyes once more, their shade far lighter than it had been only moments ago.
"What? But... I died."
"Not. Exactly. Sleep now Olive. Everything's going to be okay."
Olivia was only to happy to comply, slipping into the embrace of sleep.
Kim knew that she was beyond the point where Sleep, the sister of death might hasten her delivery into the unknown. She also knew that it would be better if she kept her eyes closed for the time being.
Anyways, you generally have no trouble in building up story-verses; but the opportunity to showcase the land around as Olivia gets used to the unlife would still offer a chance for detailed information to be disseminated in an entertaining way.
Anyhoo, good work.
Magazines prefer to accept short stories with definite closure though rather than chapter excerpts; may be why they didn't express interest.
It's a solid concept. Although the age of Kim and the direction that it will or could take are two things that to me are up in the air.
I may be misapprehending your intentions though.
| Rabukurafuto 11/5/10 . chapter 1
This is a very interesting setting and the characters, especially Nicholai Mortnem, are especially memorable. You are very good at evocative descriptions (my favorite is "a large mustache the color of dirt-flecked snow"). The descriptions really help bring the story to life.
My main problem with the story is that it feels too much like something in the middle of a book rather than the beginning. As a single short-story this can actually work very well, but as a beginning of a book it feels awkward, unless this is a prologue and the first true chapter takes place before any of this happened.
The work on the chapter itself is quite brilliant and you have a definite talent for writing fantasy. A story similar to The Dark Tower is always welcome.
| Melissa Norvell 9/28/10 . chapter 1
This story is very unique and it's defintiely been a long time since I've read any good westerns anywhere, much less the manga community, so I find this a true gem in the making. I certainly hope you continue with it, and I thank you for your review on Worthless. You provided me with helpful tips.
Don't believe that fate doesn't have a sense of humor, twisted though it may be.
I particularly like this phrase, and find it to be true. I liked the way you used it as well. I particularly liked Kim's character and I find her very interesting. I'd love to know more about her. I also love the way that you describe your action scenes and the sounds of the guns. Everything is written out so clearly. I wish my writing were more like yours in the means of clarity.
I would love it if you updated this with another chapter. I found it highly addictive.
| NsShadowSerpent 9/22/10 . chapter 1
What I don't like most about a story when it comes to reviewing, is trying to leave one when it's just written so well. I think that's the problem with this one. It's a shame that FictionPress doesn't have a "Left Speechless" option for the review box.
There are very many underlying tones in this story, and from the beginning, there were already a plethora of questions popping through my head.
"Kim, this man, myself; soon a fourth would join us on this fated day, an epitome of human cruelty and madness. Two would walk away. One would receive justice. The other…"
I also like the way you've managed to describe Olivia's unique ability throughout the story. Painting a clear picture though her eyes was a nice touch.
"Oh, your eyes," I sighed, a blissful smile on my face. I was happy now that I knew, though before I would have been afraid. Perhaps because I was so close to it myself? "The-they're so pretty, Kimberly."
You've earned many, many brownie points here from me! I've always found that simply declaring how a character feels about someone by just saying it blandly is so... well, bland. If there's one thing I like, it's finding other ways to express those feelings in some other manner. It really comes off as very non-cheesy and original. It kind of gave me an "El Cazador De La Bruja" Vibe, ha!
I've found no errors and honestly, I have to take a moment to laugh here at this magazine that says the story "didn't hold their interest". What kind of nonsensical, psycho babble is that to tell someone? But I digress..
While I can't recommend any magazines as I'm very new to the whole writing game myself, I enjoyed every word of it and find it hard to believe that a work like this hasn't been published.
Once again, thanks for reviewing my works, and I'm looking forward with what's to come in the future.