|Reviews for Until|
| AvidWriter-92 7/17/10 . chapter 1
Ah, I love this. :D
I thought that the first line drew me in, and made me want to read the rest of the poem, so good job. :D I like how you weaved subtle differences in each part of the piece, like how both the boy and the girl agree that something is the right thing to do, and how the flowers are similiar, but different. :)
I love the lines "Eleven blossoming, blooming, fiery/As nature intended. One. Red. Brighter than the others./Artificial, material, course and wirey./As commericialism intended." :P That's just an awesome way to describe things. :)
Overall, I loved the ending, and how you mangaged to say "I will love you forever," but putting a clever spin on it. :D
A few things. :)
"[Artifical], material, [coarse], and [wiry.]
You misspelled these words... ;) :P
Also, I felt that at times, the flow of the poem was off, and didn't fit quite so well with the other bits of it. :) Like "Are my petals more fake than this fake rose?"
I feel like the double "fake" makes this sound kind of repetitive. You could get by with just "More fake than this rose?"
"He said it was the right thing to do, why are you questioning flowers?"
I think this also read a bit weirdly, and I think it's because you switch tenses.
I would make it "He said it was the right thing to do, and asked/
Why I was questioning flowers."
Other than that, nothing else. :) Great work on this; I really enjoyed it. :D
Avid, via Roadhouse. :) Repaying reviews... 1/1. :)
| seredemia 7/4/10 . chapter 1
I loved this. It was clever, especially the way you ended it. I loved how he said he'll keep on loving her until the fake flower dies. Obviously, fake flowers can't die, so that's really sweet... This really brought a smile to my face. The fact that she kept mistrusting him was also good. I loved the balance in here. Great job!
| in theory 6/23/10 . chapter 1
Oddly, I reviewed another poem with this exact title at about 2 am last night (I'm in UK) and was convinced I'd somehow returned your review...before you actually reviewed me. It was a little scary, for a few seconds I though I had finally abandoned sanity entirely. Anyways, I have got my head around this and so here we go.
I will start with the technical aspects, as the more important things like message and tone etc rely on a solid foundation. I feel in parts, the format is strong, but the punctuation is flagging a little. I can't quite work out if you have neglected question marks on purpose, to give an informal/passive kind of tone, but if not then some definitely need adding. Never be afraid to use punctuation in a poem exactly how you would in prose; to me, it is part of the skeleton on which you build your message, as essential as spelling and capital letters, etc. All tools to guide the reader through your mind. Of course there is a limit to how much you want to obsess over every line of poetry, but I find the more I do this (as a writer) the less the readers have to, and it's as much for them as for me.
Anyway, I will be more specific. The first line does not demand a question mark, but his question is a more direct question; you even use the word 'questioning', and for that to be not even followed by a comma and flow straight into what you said is very vague. Imagine if you and him spoke like this to each other outside of the written world; you could sound monosyllabic and not interested in each other. There is not enough emphasis on the intention behind every word, and that is what is missing I feel.
'course and wirey' I think you have misspelled here, I presume you mean 'coarse and wirey'
I also thinkthat more structured line spacing would massively enhance this piece. In parts you use very dramatic techniques that just cry out for enjambment and exaggerated format (One. Red. for example; two separate lines here would be very fun). All the rhetoric that follows would be more easily received by the reader if you gave more attention to how it looks. With no question marks or other distinction of separation from the narrative, it's a little muddled. And rhetoric is already perplexing enough without furthering this! Always always reread your own lines from as many different perspectives as you possibly can, just to consider how ELSE it could be seen. And then, again! And don't stop, even when you're happy with it.
The last line is the perfect end, it reveals the actual message of the piece succinctly but not too obviously. It makes you smile. I didn't 'guess' what it would say, but it made me think 'oh yeah, of course!' when I saw it, which is the happy medium between comprehension and not being surprised. I'm not that good with accurately deciphering the meanings behind a poem, I ramble off on tangents far too much. But your voice is quite clear in this, and the romance is palpable. Nice job :)
I don't mean this to come across as hypercritical or unkind, I mean it all from a neutral place. I'm very grateful for your review and look forward to reading more from you :)
| Lili Grey 6/20/10 . chapter 1
I like it. It's an interesting take on the little cliche' story that's been floating around for who knows how long. I like the blank verse, which is a little unusual for me because I feel most people abuse it. I like the idea of the metaphor throughout the poem. It didn't have the greatest flow but it wasn't distracting or tongue-tying. I can really hear the voice in the characters though, the sass or accusing tone in the girl's voice and the matter-of-fact (?) tone in the boy's voice.
Also, I LOVED the assonance in "charming darling". I read it and said, "Oh! How lovely!" It truly was a nice little surprise.
Anyway, job well done. A delightful read.