|Reviews for Homeworlds: The Road to War|
| DroptheBomb 6/22/10 . chapter 3
Well, I'm happy to see your personality and style haven't faded. There may be a few mistakes here and there, but this is just wonderful. I am glad you are proud of your work, because I am too.
Very dramatic chapter. Amazing dialog. Awesome job at making the characters' words speak out their personality. I have to say, I feel like this story is going to be epic. The second chapter and it's already getting exciting! I'm guessing Vincent will be embarking on some big quest soon eh? Great. Update soon!
| faerie-gumdrops 6/22/10 . chapter 2
Hey :) This is me giving you a depthy for the review game.
I'm just going to review as I go - hope that's okay. Any typoish type corrections will be in these sexy square brackets .
'Here, in the heart of the Tyrannus Empire, the Imperial City stood as a shining beacon to all who looked to better days[; not] just for the Light Realm, but for all the Homeworlds' the extra sentence for the last part of this seemed a little unnecessary and made it more confusing to read. A dash could be more appropriate than the semi colon here, but I love semi colons and try to use them wherever possible as I am sad like that.
'It's golden architecture stood high and tall, glistening in the brilliant light of the two suns that hung over the world like eternal guardians' I think you've got some lovely descriptions going on it this chapter; it was easy to imagine what the city and the palace looked like. It's obvious that you must have really considered this as the scene is set really well.
'Revered as an icon for all his people, the Emperor not only led the defense of the Imperial City against the demon-gods personally, but was vital in the reconstruction effort, not just in Tyrannus, but across the sun basked globe of Light Realm' I think that vital may not be the correct term - might sound better as 'instrumental' or something like that. Vital makes sense though, so don't change it if you don't want to. This sentence is also a little wordy - cutting down or splitting it into two could help make it flow better.
'The problems of an almost planetary empire were not quick, nor easy, to solve' I think it should either be 'neither...nor' or 'not...or'. I don't think that not and nor tend to go together (although I could be wrong).
'Gaining an audience with the Emperor of Tyrannus was like shooting a hawk from a mile away with a shoddy bow and arrow...you really had to work for it.' I like the way that you've injected some of Vincent's personality here; it makes him more likeable as a character and we can get used to seeing things from his point of view. Also, I liked the image and how it seemed appropriate for the warhammeresque setting.
'Well, [that] was just the Imperial Palace, but there was enough of it built in that Vincent started thinking it was all fake' The imperial palace sounds really extravagant. I like how Vincent is so critical of the excessive gold. Silver is always better.
'Then again, Vincent was a mercenary[;] the Emperor, along with the rest of his Imperial lackeys, were over dignified diplomats' *semi colon love*.
'"Rufio Nuntius." The name was barked out in a cold and unnerving manner. A criminal perhaps.' I was slightly confused when reading this as to whether Vincent believed the criminal to be the speaker or the owner of the name. Although it became obvious later on, you could make this a little clearer. Also, the 'Thought Vincent' later is not really required due to the chapter being from his point of view, and removing it could make the chapter less wordy. If you want to keep it in, though, the 'Thought' shouldn't be capitalised.
'"On your knees, dog[,]" [h]e commanded' Just little grammar issues. This happens a couple of times in this chapter, and a quick read-through will just sort it all out. While I'm on this phrase, I liked how you managed to convey the different personalities of Cassius, the Emperor etc through the way that they spoke, although beware of falling into cliches.
'The so called Rufio was a pathetic looking man, skinny and bald, with little more than patches for a shirt. His skin was wrinkled and old.[S]o scrawny was he that it seemed his wrists could slip from the cuffs they were in in a moments notice. His teeth were gapped and broken as he spoke, whether he was always like that, or one of the Palace Guards had beaten him prior to arrest, Vincent didn't know. "M-my lord...please...!" [h]e begged.' Love your descriptions once more - they really do paint great images. Also, your addition of the palace guards beating him prior to arrest was a subtle dig at the attitudes of these people, which I liked.
'This time it was not Augustus who spoke, but a man much his larger' I didn't really understand the 'much his larger'. I could be being really stupid though.
'Easily standing a full head above the captain, the brown haired man placed a calming hand on his shoulder."[Y]ou are out of line."'
'carved into it were several images, pictures of great deeds and adventures, ancient scriptures from the old books of the gods, iconography of the powerful Tyrannus Empire. Though his smooth face, warm eyes, and light hair passed off the illusion of his innocence, this was no ordinary man' loved this part :D
'Emperor Augustus frowned."[A]nd what, may I ask, was so important that you would try to break into the Imperial Palace?"'
'"Nonsense[,]" Kreiger shouted, gathering silence in the room'
'The emperor nodded, and in seconds the Paladin Lord's warhammer was raised high into the air, its head shimmering in the golden light from above, glowing with menace. Then it came down and...' Good portrayal of tension here - I actually enjoyed your uses of epllipsis, which I never normally do. I also like the ongoing theme of goldness and sunlight which ran throughout the whole of this chapter and came back to bite us in the butt here.
'I will slay you here and now, before you can cause harm to anyone else. FOR THE EMPEROR!' Some people believe that capital letters used for anything other than acronyms are bad and evil. I don't really mind either way, but in theory, Kreiger shouting should speak (or yell) for itself.
'One mighty column of black flame[s] rose before him, rearing its ugly head at the oncoming Paladin'
'then something happened which he could not explain. A feeling of vengeance washed over him, and not just over him, but out of him' Nice sense of mystery here - good job at hooking the reader! Also, the mysterious guy's words to Vincent were very effective in foreshadowing the rest of the story. Good work! Also, I hope that the relationship between Aria and Vincent will pop up again.
One thing I didn't understand was what happened to Rufio after the explosion - did he turn into the mystery dude or vanish? Or did he just happen to not be mentioned? Sorry if I'm being dumb.
Overall, I really liked all of the action and imagery in this chapter; it was gripping and interesting and very easy to imagine. Things to work on are just the grammary bits (which should be easy, and will probably take a grand total of ten minutes :D), and maybe to inject a bit more of Vincent into the narrative? In some parts, we're practically seeing things through his eyes, and hearing his thoughts on things, whereas in others we can can barely feel his presence at all - it might be good to make things a little more consistent by, for example, mentioning more of what he is thinking and doing as all of this goes on.
| Nesasio 6/21/10 . chapter 1
"...constantly struggling the universe"
This is pretty awkward. I'm not sure exactly what you meant with it, either. I think you might've just skipped a word. Other than that, I didn't notice anything jarringly wrong. This intro seems well-written.
While I wasn't really keen on this opening at first, I got really interested around the sentence "And with this birth, came what the universe had never before witnessed in its infinite lifespan...purpose." That introduces an intriguing concept and made me wonder where you'd take it.
I think the main reason I struggled to get interested in the first paragraph is because it's a bit wordy. You have a great vocabulary, but throwing it all at the reader in the first lines isn't very appealing, in my opinion. That occurs throughout the story and while I understood it and kept reading, it was just a little too dense to be completely enjoyable. If you could find a nice balance between what you can say and what you mean to say, it could still be a cool intro. Of course, that's just my opinion. Use it as much or as little as you like. :)
The wordiness aside, I was interested in the story. You've set up a cool mythology here that's unique yet familiar at the same time because it's not so bizarre that people can't follow it. I'm particularly interested in your use of Fate as the driving force in this universe, spawning all the lesser gods and creation. The only nitpick I have there is that I don't quite understand why Fate is somehow the one to create life, when it so obviously created Prometheus the Creator. I assume you mean he (Prometheus) creates the basic elements, the stars and planets/the setting in general. It'd be a good idea to make that distinction. Overall, this was a pretty good intro.
| DroptheBomb 6/21/10 . chapter 2
Wow, just, wow. You're writing skills certainly have improved since The War to End all Wars, and I thought THAT was a great story. But this? Well, for a high school student, you certainly have a way with words.
Although I would've loved to have the first chapter chalk full of lore, I guess you're doing a good job at pacing it out. Please though, don't restrain yourself. This universe you have set up, well, I think it can go a long way.
Now, I can't say much for this chapter other than exceptional writing skill. Truly exceptional. But, as this is your first chapter, not much has happened yet. I can't wait to get to know these characters of yours, but please, you did a great job at elaborating on the setting. Don't lose that, its one of the biggest parts of your story. Anyways, you certainly have me interested in this story. Update soon?
| DroptheBomb 6/21/10 . chapter 1
To answer your AN, yes, we're still following you. Or at least I am lol. Been a while hasn't it? Do you remember me? I posted reviews ALL OVER The War to End All Wars (still love that story btw)
Anyways, a lot seems to have changed in this time I've taken from reading your stories. I must say, I'm glad I finally found the time to read again, and I am SO glad you found the time to write something for me to read.
Wonderful introduction. I cannot wait to see what you have in store for your readers. This story is gonna be epic
| Ms.Sweet Pea 6/21/10 . chapter 1
I read in your beggining authors note that your going on to your second year of high school great job!. Now with the story, you have a very great vocabulary you should be proud of :).I really enjoyed this because you inculded facts and researched before you jumped right into the story. Great job! It makes it a good story because even though one person is writing it you show us the struggles we may not know about :)