|Reviews for Marty's War|
| ultraviolet9 7/11/10 . chapter 1
I just got around to reviewing this, forever after it was actually published. I remeber reading it and really liking the feel of the story - gritty and real. Marty was somewhat sharp, with an undertone of sarcasm - textbook marine. :)
but the best line, in my opinion, was the last.
| Chesterfield 6/26/10 . chapter 1
Aside from a few very minor grammatical errors, I thought this was a great, solid piece of fiction. Interesting and unique. I liked the narrator's voice; even though the story isn't first person, it kind of had that feel to it. The narrator was so completely inside the main character's head that it was not only able to provide description of what's going on, but also what Marty is thinking about. A good, fun read.
| lookingwest 6/23/10 . chapter 1
Ack, sorry it's taken me so long to get over here, I just was afraid to read before submitting my own piece, XD. Now that it's out of the way...
All of the movies, TV shows, and even the books he used to read made war seem so much better than what he was going through.
-Style Edit: my style edits are just things that are suggested but not anything drastic, so you can always choose to ignore me if be, haha, plus, I'm sure when youroctober critiques this, she'll probably have a lot sounder advice. Actually, I'm not even sure if this is legal and I can do this o.O But you already submitted it to youroctober so I think I'm just going to treat it like any other story I would review :) Here, just to not end with a preposition, I would sugget: "...war seem so much better than what he was now experiencing."
Fighting back tears and praying that he somehow made it out alive.
-Style Edit: would omit "that"
He wasn't even religious, but as the saying goes there are no atheists in a fox hole.
-Style Edit: would add a comma in after "goes"
The second paragraph hits close to home, only because my roommate sounds like this guy's girlfriend. I like that you delve straight into the depths of his character and you give us the most important facts, while also working in a bunch of details about his background at the States. This is actually the first time I've read a story on FP focusing on the war in Iraq, so I'm definitley feeling some foreshadow and unease, just within the first two full paragraphs. You immerse the reader perfectly into the atmosphere of paranoia.
In the third paragraph, I think you capture Marty's narrative voice wonderfully, especially with saying something like "It was way hotter than..." because "way hotter" just reminds me of something a guy would say...
That was all that he could think about.
-Style Edit: would omit "about"
Marty saw a ravine up ahead and ran for it.
-Good use of terminology and word choice to make the setting even more real.
A bullet had found its mark. At least it kind of did. His Kevlar helmet was actually what had taken the blow...
-Wow, extremely intense. You built up wonderful tension just within this paragraph and it took me off guard, I was swept into the story and by this point, I received chills. The fact that Marty doesn't have time to stop and muse that he was almost killed keeps in tune with his robotic movement and for now, one-track mind to survive.
Marty tumbled and bounced off of rocks and ledges before finally coming to an abrupt halt on the floor of the ravine.
-Style Edit: would omit "of" after "off"
He was lost, in pain, and with his legs being so useless, he was trapped as well.
-Style Edit: would omit "as well"
-And ack, you've got me cringing through this gory description of his pain and the afflictions!
This was not fast at all.
-Style Edit: would omit "at all"
...Marty was beginning to suspect that he had broken...
-Style Edit: instead of "was beginning" replace with "began"
-Style Edit: omit "that"
nd the first time that he had actually seen action, Marty had fled for his life.
-Clear, concise way to tie in the prompt here!
"Fuck it," He said to himself through gritted teeth.
-Edit: un-capitalize "he"
It was time to honor his fallen brethren.
-I love that suddenly Marty overcomes his cowardice here, even for a moment. I think you captured his thought process while going through the motions of acceptance very well.
It is hard to run and shoot accurately at the same time...
-Edit: slip into present tense, and I'd try to stay in past since the rest of the narrative is, and so is the following clause. Here, change "is" to "was"
I think you described the action well concerning Marty's assault, and I could follow the entire gun fight scene easily and clearly. Loved that :)
"Let's go out with a bang," He said and then spat blood at them.
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
Oh, I absolutely LOVE your ending. Really snappy, I would never change that-it's got a great ring to it. Overall I think you worked the prompt clearly, and was also able to successfully integrate it through the narrative, it was interesting that you started with the prompt, because it made for a bold beginning, but you carried it through themes too. I find this a very stable, descriptive, well-rounded piece!
| Jhonathan Ty Slyth 6/21/10 . chapter 1
So is this going to be a novel our a short story? I can't wait to see how you're going to develop this one if your going to make it into a novel! And I don't think you told me about this one. But i like it! And yes, the ending is just pure gold!
| felixlee14 6/21/10 . chapter 1
I like how Marty is surviving, not just for anybody, but on his own instincts. It really makes a person more ruthless that way, since there's nobody to live for.
Love the ending:D