Aw this was adorable. I really liked the difference in tone between Brandon's chapter and Chris's, although when Brandon was sleeping with Ty I was gettin' angry. Glad it had such a laaaaavely ending. I've also just ruined it for people reading the reviews before they've finished, oh well. Anyway great story aha, sorry my review's ended up kinda rambly!

as part of the review game :):
What I liked: The sentence spacing was really good in this. For example, "Breathing him in like that, plus the way he's kissing me, I moan. I can't fucking help it." You have a long sentence, and then a nice short one that keeps the story flowing. I personally hate it when people are like, "The way he's kissing me makes me moan. I can't f*cking help it. *insert another veryyyy short sentence here*" But you didn't do that, and kept the story going nicely along.
What I didn't like: The emotion in this seems very distant. These two people were together sexually, and seemed to be into it, and share personal feelings, and yet the last paragraph is like, "We don't talk about it anymore."
But anyway, I still though it was a really good chapter. Great job writing it :)
Truth

I think one of the strongest aspects of this chapter is the fact that each character actually has a character and their interactions still manage to reflect that about them. I was really intrigued by each character too, especially by the way they dealt with that first night. The way that the protagonist dealt with Brandon's advances, however, felt a bit unnatural with the way he was reacting to questioning. Although I feel like he would have ultimately let it happen, I feel like you built him up to be more resilient in the sense that he would question Brandon about it first before he acted rather than just submit. Other than that, though, I think the characters always remained very true to themselves and the main protagonist's (whose name isn't stated as far as I can tell) introspection aids in developing the story.

I think my only legitimate complaint has to do with the narration style. While I do love the fact that it is in first person, I have to admit that I'm not the biggest fan of present tense in any story. I feel a certain level of disconnect with the story as a result and I keep questioning myself as why it's not in past tense, which feels more natural to read, especially because it leads you to moments like "I shouldn't be surprised, but it's not like I was thinking about why he needed my pants off" where the past feels natural but ultimately breaks from the rest of the narrative. I think this might be more of a personal preference, but I don't think it would hurt to consider switching to the past. This would also allow you to flashback when appropriate easily whereas it's hard to properly do it in present tense.

D'awww that was so sweet.

I seriously loved this story. :)

This story should definetely have more reviews. At the beginning I didn't expect much, but this is a really good story and it got better from the beginning to the end. I really like your writing style. I would have liked to read in Brandon's POV after they "broke up", but I think it's good that it had a happy-end which didn't tell anything about their future.

When I started reading this story I’m not sure what I expected – maybe some eroticized athleticism and petty drama. But what I got was a story of ineffably real characters within a grandiose scope of action. This is not only one of the most realistic slash stories set in professional sports, but one of the most compelling. Your characters have depth and subtlety, carefully set off against each other. Your understanding of black America is insightful and convincing. Most importantly though, you’ve set a pace that is slow-moving but manages to capture great swaths of time, great differences in setting. We see the characters gradually grow and change, without any sense of contrivance.

I really enjoy the understated tenderness in the relationship between Chris and Brandon. It’s touching how they often feel unable to really express their affection for each other. Their push and pull is what keeps the story going.

I kind of feel like this story is unfinished. It has a sense of wholeness to it, so I can see why you ended it where you did, but I can't help but feel that they're still only one step further on a long journey. I'd like to see what would happen when they come out - and if Chris makes the draft - and things like that. Of course, at your descretion.

I read some of your stories and I liked them really much.

I first read My Mathematical Mind, then Passive Aggresive and this one and they're great! I think you are a good writer. You managed to create characters with personality and background which "work", I guess. And they're pretty original and funny and mature and... so on.

Since I noticed that there were a lot of time between each story I read, I guess I can say that your writing seems to improve but that's maybe biased. I don't know, I thought My Mathematical Mind was good because you truly seem to comprehend the teen mind! It was really fun to read. I think that some details, mostly the comparisons with maths actually, were well-found and all. But this one was quite more sophisticated, maybe because it's longer too. But it was good to read. So I hope you didn't quit :) But I still have a lot to read from you so thanks for that!

You are amazing. I love how all your stories are so intensely real and funny. This makes me wish I was a gay man.

You are a great writer! Stop telling youeself that you're not.

Or I'll hurt you.

jk

I love it! :) Now I have the urge to read more about Brandon and Chris! Those two are just so addicting. Awesome job.

OMG! This story makes me wanna change my sex and become a man, then become gay. Like, i was literally turned on by guys practically going at it. Great story(:

:)

I am so HAPPY, like genuinely HAPPY you are back! :D I'm so glad you haven't given up on the dysfunctionness of your stories. I love this new one. The improvement shows. The characters are lovable. I think it ends fine on chapter 3. Really beautiful, like always.

Weird timing, by the way. My profile says that I'm obsessing over your stories again, and I wrote that weeka ago, and then suddenly you're back! What a pleasant surprise! THANK YOU for coming back! I missed your writing style. I honestly love all your work.

But you deleted Teenage Suicide! I'm so sad. :(

Even though I didn't understand about half the basketball terms it was still a good read. Your characters were balanced and all that good stuff. I didn't see a single typo, which is impressive, to say the least. Good job.

Saw your post in the Your Story thread and here it goes with some concrit if that's okay.

My biggest issue with this is the pacing so far. I feel like at the beginning of the story, I should be drawn in by characters and the plot. That sort of thing. Not sex. So while I was kind of iffy about the jerking off together, the next part evened it out with some story. But when your main character (sorry - I always have issues remembering the name of the narrator in stories...) just kind fo seems to randomly start questioning his sexuality, has Brandon come out to him, comes out to Brandon, and then makes out with him just seems like it's moving way too fast. Maybe if it seemed your narrator was more close to accepting that he might be gay before the jerking off session it might seem a little less...too much. Then when he just readily helps out Brandon when they're jerking off comes off as a little strange to me - like he just wouldn't be that comfortable doing that when he's pretty much just come out for the first time and just accepted that he's gay. It's too easy. I started to really question my own sexuality when I was fifteen too so I know that it's ...difficult. Maybe you address it in later chapters, but for the first chapter, the pacing still seems off.

Also, watch the info dump about their family/basketabll history. I think learning about them through them would be alittle more interesting and less of a dump.

But I do like your narrator's personality. And just remembered his name. So that's cool. lol

Anyway, good luck with this. :)