|Reviews for Green Starry Skies|
| scharlie18 6/27/10 . chapter 1
I feel like you have two options if you want to improve on the poem. #1 is to break this up differently.
And oh, starry skies
Bring me so damn close to sighs.
Cos they remind me of you,
Cos you make me feel so new.
(On a nit-picky note, take out one of the 'because's entirely and spell out the other 'because'.)
#2 is to keep it the way it is, but to use punctuation to break it up.
Your voice like a song birds. Your words are such strong words.
(This is really the line in particular that I'm referring to. The two phrases clearly don't belong in the same sentence, but there's nothing to indicate that it's two different phrases. Speaking of which, these phrases are two completely different phrases. They have nothing to do with each other. It literally looks like you said, "Okay, what rhymes with 'birds'?")
Now, your summary said that there was two different poems here, and it looks like there's two different poems here, but I'm not sure, because you didn't break the two poems up. They sort of flow together. What breaks them up, and not in a good way, is that the rhyming pattern is different. And then, there's the word 'with' and that doesn't rhyme with anything.
All over, I think it's a good poem, but it needs editing.