|Reviews for Farmville: First|
| lookingwest 10/1/10 . chapter 5
...I shouted as loud as his chords would let him.
-Edit: I think you slipped into third person instead of first person. This didn't make any sense, who is "he"? Is "he", "I"?
I like in the beginning how you go back and forth between the italics and the explanation of the plan and everything. I thought the action was well paced and it seemed quite believable at the beginning. I also like the terminology of how you got technical with the guns and the positioning, that was pretty cool.
I'd spell out numbers like 900 and 300
The little descriptions of the armor and the helmet screens, etc, was cool, and it gave a good visual that you integrated well into the narrative. Enjoyed the emotion at the end when he's trying to contact Theta and he just resorts to screaming over and over.
Good second to last part with the description, it hearkened back to some of the first chapters I think, and with the balance of the action in the beginning it was well placed and didn't seem as heavy as it could have been on its own. And also I liked the last part and the emotion there, and how you ended with the last word, suspension. I like that your male characters tend to have a lot of emotion to them behind the scenes, it's not always about the "tough guise" sort of thing with them.
Overall the parts contrasted well with one another. Solid chapter.
| Kobra Kid 8/18/10 . chapter 1
This was a good introduction. It gave you some insight onto the characters and an average day of his life.
The dialogue was great, as was the descriptions.
[I'm wearing a white v-neck t-shirt.] That was a little abrupt, as in out of nowhere.
When you want to describe a character's appearance, make it natural. Don't say "John has blue eyesIt's just plain and not-so-exciting. Instead, say something among the lines of, "John's sapphire eyes darted over to Jane as she approached." Something like that. :)
Besides that, excellent job! Keep up the good work!
B. Cross from the RH
-Can you please payback via Ace Of Spades? Thanks
| lookingwest 8/10/10 . chapter 4
...but blood is still blood.
-Edit: "is" should be "was"
It belongs on the inside of your body...
-Edit: "belongs" should be "belonged"
I actually went into a huge lecture about your past and present tense and how you're all over the board with this first part and how you need to form the habit of staying in one tense, but my entire review was deleted-a second time (this is the third time I'm writing this review, Potter is having a really, really terrible night), and I just can't do it again. So I'm just going to plain correct all of the tense changes. Remember, remember, remember, your tenses. It's confusing to the reader if you don't-is this a past memory, or are we still with John on the farm? Understand?
I stared at the cold and harsh metallic floor, lit familiar blue along the corners throughout the whole hall, for what had blurred into a seamless infinity for me, though it was only a few seconds, if even.
-Style Edit: I stared at the harsh, cold, metal floor, lit a familiar blue along its seams, for a time that blurred into a seamless infinity for me, even though it must have only been a few seconds.
I really really wish Gray was here.
-Edit: needs a comma after the first "really"
-Style Edit: would un-bold second "really" and un-italicize it for proper emphasis
I couldn't see at all.
-Style Edit: omit "at all"
I'm pretty sure...
-Edit: should be "I was..."
...and I thought he might have taken a few teeth out.
-Style edit: rid the preposition at the end by: "...and I thought he might have taken out a few teeth."
I don't recall having any thoughts...
-Edit: "I [recalled] having no thoughts..."
...when I was getting my shit packed in, though.
-Style Edit: omit "though"
It's sort of weird.
-Edit: should be "It was..."
You don't think when you fight...
-Edit: should be "You [didn't] think when you [fought]..."
Maybe Gavin thinks different of it, now, though.
-Edit: "Maybe Gavin [thought] different now."
...and he took it a badly.
-Edit: omit "a"
Love is passionate...
-Edit: "is" should be "was"
I say obsessed...
-Edit: "say" should be "said"
When Paul walked in...
-Style Edit: "When Paul arrived..."
...forcing him to the ground...
-Edit: though you haven't clarified, I'm assuming the setting is inside somewhere, so "ground" should be "floor"
...so I don't know if he ever saw it or not.
-Edit: "don't" should be "didn't"
It would be funny if he had, I think.
-Edit: "think" should be "thought"
...it's hard to tell.
-Edit: "it's" should be "it was"
I did get punched a lot.
-Style Edit: un-bold "a lot" and use italics instead because you use them for inner thoughts and it's good to stay consistent with your emphasis
...though of that I'm not too sure...
-Edit: "I'm" should be "I was"
I still haven't.
-Edit: "haven't" should be "hadn't"
Alright, so, I know that John is telling us this story in the present tense right? This part is a memory then? He's not back on the farm and this is back from his military experience? I still get confused because of your tense changes. Some times, like the last line, I can see why it would work for it to be in present tense because John is telling the story, but then other times with verb use of the narration, I just can't tell if this was happening when he was in the dead pig pen or not-thankfully by the end I figured it couldn't be with the inclusion of Gray. Because I'm being picky, and you can ignore this for sure, I would recommend changing either Gavin's name or Gray's name-whoever is the lesser minor character, because they are similar, and "Gray" is very masculine, so it might be good to separate them by giving one a name that doesn't start with a "G". Things I did like-I liked how you started the part because it drew me into the curiosity factor of why John was all bloody, and then I liked how you ended it, I thought that dialogue was well placed and somewhat realistic for John, if not a bit sarcastic, so it was a snappy way to end.
Above the pig's grave, looking in, the sergeant gazed upon a dead body that...
-Style Edit: "looking in" is implied by "the sergeant gazed", so it makes it redundant. Would suggest omitting "looking in"
Lu never even went to Electric City.
-Style Edit: would omit "even"
If John's body had been laying rotting there for three months, I'm guessing it would smell pretty bad-maybe not in comparison to the dead pigs, but the the line "The body didn't smell too horrid, yet." was out of place and stuck out to me, because what does he mean that he could actually tell apart the smell of a three month rotting corpse from a bunch of smelly pigs? And what does "yet" mean? I would think a corpse would smell after that long.
...thought to look in a grave though.
-Style Edit: would omit "though"
It was always like that up north though.
-Style Edit: omit "though"
So Lu and Tom never noticed that bloody stain on the patio? Strange of them not to notice if it's so obviously there.
I think I liked how you ended the second part the best out of it, the bit with the coyote. I think it's interesting that John is narrating his death and everything, it reminds me a lot of American Beauty in that sense, I've never really seen a story narrated that way before, especially not on FP. So I like that uniqueness about it-that's pretty cool. This part really provokes me into wondering what could possibly be next, or what's going to develop in the plot.
It's silent out...
-Edit: tense. "It was..."
...and the sky is colored a blue shaded grey.
-Edit: tense. "...the sky was..."
Or maybe it's Gray that is shaded the blue.
-Edit: tense. "...it was Gray..."
Okay. Mega confused about your tense again. You *really* need to work on this Frets, I'm honestly not sure what to even say to you about it! This is all in present tense, but then in the fourth paragraph you write "Air has never *felt* so good." and "felt" is past tense-so it should be in present! Or past? I don't know, honestly. I get that you might be trying to do past tense for things that happened in the military memories, and then present for his narration, but you're mixing it all around, even some times mid-sentence, and I'm finding it very difficult to not notice when I'm reading and it's breaking up the flow of your sentences and narration. Anyway, please work on it!
Agh, Frets, I have no idea what just happened. Honestly. I'm trying really hard to figure it out, maybe that's part of the mystery and I'm not supposed to get it. You're throwing me all over the place here. Is he dead, or not dead? Was he just imagining what would happen if he would die there, was that some sort of possibility of a future he was seeing through a dream? The first part is definitley a past memory of his military times, the second part *might* be just what he would imagine would happen if he was dead, and the third part-this happens the next morning, in real time, when he awakes in the dead pig pen and gets up to leave back to the house? Making the second part something that didn't actually happen in reality, just in his head? I'm trying, I really am. Again, it could be the late night, but you're throwing the reader around with no connections, I'm losing my grip.
She quotes the word...
-Edit: un-capitalize "She"
Good dialogue work for a set up, that worked well. It was good to see Lu and John interacting a bit more like in the first few chapters. I liked it because it grounded me a bit in leading me to further believe that the second part was fabricated and not real.
Ah, this last part was better edited, so I liked that, it was easier to get into and it flowed. I liked how careful he was about where to bury the coyote, and I find it fascinating that they're extinct. I thought it showed a bit more of his character depth when you describe that he cried for it, I think it makes John easier to sympathize with, and I look forward to see where you'll develop him further.
Overall this chapter started off really rocky for me, but by the end I think you were able to sink into your own narration a bit better. My biggest mark of confusion was the second part, but the third, fourth, and fifth, worked well and fit together for me enough where I recovered. You had some good images in that fifth part, and though I didn't fully understand the second part, I thought the image of the corpse and the blood was vivid and well described. Just don't forget your tenses.
| lookingwest 7/20/10 . chapter 3
I did quite a bit of editing with this chapter, but don't be discouraged or anything, you've got really great potential with this story and your writing style. I think right off the bat your biggest overall trouble areas are with over-describing things and perhaps getting too technical, and then wordy-ness in the individual sentence structures.
Your opening with this drew me in, but I've got a little comment about your speaker's discourse. You start with him speaking without consonants, and that's usually not normal for ordinary conversational discourse. And then in the last-ish sentence you add in "don't", which is a consonant. So I would suggest that you choose whether or not your character narrates with consonants or not-I would suggest getting rid of them. It sticks out as seeming unnatural to the reader, or at least in my opinion, and then when you do use them it sticks out more as seeming informal.
Though, I don't know that that wasn't a dream as well.
-Edit: I found this confusing and then odd with the use of the double "that", suggest: I don't know if writing my name was a dream.
That room, in fact, will always stay a reminder of what I've done.
-Style Edit: omit "in fact"
Lu is reclined...
-Style Edit: would start new paragraph here, subject shift.
Instead I hear tick tick tick again.
-Edit: insert comma after "instead"
-Style Edit: would italicize "tick tick tick"
A pair of pants, the once navy denim worn to an almost white, with a small hole in it, which holds in it's stitching still the memory of when I stabbed myself with a shovel, three winters ago.
-Edit: Something has gone wrong with this sentence. Try reading it aloud to yourself, pausing with each comma placement-you ended up splitting a lot of phrases with more clauses. This is Victorian punctuation, so you definitley are using a certain style here, but I personally dislike it, so I'm going to suggest some edits to fix them-it just sounds verbally outdated. You do this quite a bit when you write, and it runs the risk some times of getting really confusing. "A pair of pants with a small hole in it." is one sentence, and then you add in the clause "the once navy denim worn to an almost white," which is fine, because it goes with the subject of the pair of pants with the small hole, but then you go off on a different story in the same sentence about how the hole occurred, losing focus on the pants themselves and focusing on the hole instead. I think this should be where it splits into a separate independent sentence entirely. I would suggest: "First was a pair of pants with the denim worn to an almost white and a small hole in the (tell us where the hole is, upper leg area, lower leg area, near the ankle, near the crotch). The hole was a constant reminder of three winters ago, when I stabbed myself with a shovel."
-Edit: if you do decide to keep the sentence the way it is, "it's" should be "its"
I don't remember exactly why I did it, however.
-Edit: would omit "however"
-You just told us he did it because it was an accident. How do you not remember exactly why you did something "on accident"?
The wound has healed, but the pants are still torn.
-Edit: would completely omit this sentence, because you already told us it happened three winters ago, so of course the wound would be healed, and then you just told us about how the jeans were torn, so we already know about that too.
Instead I leave the laces dangling from the holes midway through the boot, which leads right above my ankle as it is.
-Edit: would add in a comma after "Instead"
My fingers touch the handle of the front door, and my trying to be as silent as possible leads only to more noise being caused, my focus no longer diverted towards everything, but solely on the light and hollow nob.
-Edit: by "nob" I think you mean "knob"
-Edit: this didn't make a lot of sense to me around the part of "my focus no longer diverted towards everything, but solely on the light and hollow knob." What focus is being diverted towards everything? Not "away" from everything? What is "everything"?
...and obviously so due to the color they've retained.
-Edit: remove "so"
Suddenly, the werewolves come back, in a nonnostalgic, but instead creepy way.
-Edit: should it be "not in a non-nostalgic way"?
-Also, what is "non-nostalgic"? Why mention it being nostalgic if it isn't?
I keep my eyes on the ninety degrees. On the corner, where the two planks meet.
-Edit: would combine these to: "I keep my eyes on the ninety degrees, at the corner where the two planks meet."
All of my focus keeps on it, on the screws that hold it together.
-Suggested Edit: "I focus on it, on all the screws that hold it together."
I think I am hullucinating at first.
-Edit: would omit "at first."
-Edit: "hullucianting" should be "hallucinating"
Frets, I gotta be truthful man, I have absolutely no idea what that trippy hallucination was about. The visuals just weren't there for me. What was he hallucinating? The screws? The placement of the screws? What were they doing? What does "That there really could be nothing on them." mean? Or...eh, I'm sorry Frets, I just had no idea. Where were the four letter words coming from? The screws? Slithering on the ground from where, the second screw? I feel like I would have enjoyed it more if I could have grasped what you were describing. I feel like some of the details were too technical in parts. The part with "and the wind forcing itself down my throat," was a little too technical. Maybe just saying, "I stare, my jaw slowly dropping as my breathing became difficult." would work better?
Unless, alright, so maybe John is looking at the screws and he gets emotionally upset about it and then the four letter word, which I'm going to assume is fuck or shit, come from those emotions that he's feeling? That would be my interpretation of it. But I feel like the hallucination you describe is more literal than figurative in that paragraph.
I would also suggest starting a new paragraph at "Standing in place..." ...but you could probably omit the "in place" because people usually stand in place if you say they're standing, you can really stand and run at the same time. You can run in place though, but not stand in run-I think you get my point there, shutting up now. XD
...and have been since twenty-one fourteen...
-When you're writing out years, it's actually okay to use the number, 2114
...and the first one jumps at m, literally.
-Edit: "m" should be "me"
-Edit: would omit "literally" because in this case you've got another bit where you have to ask, how would a coyote *not* be jumping at someone literally?
I feel the sting against my hands, and i open my eyes to humor a single tear.
-Edit: "i" needs to be capitalized
-I found "a single tear" a little dramatic, maybe instead mention how his eyes start watering with potential tears
The second coyote is still looking me, top to bottom.
-Edit: "looking me..."
I don't see pitch dark, however.
-Style edit: would omit "however" or place it as "I don't, however, see pitch dark."
"You know, Paul said we get our first mission this monday."
-Edit: "monday" needs to be capitalized
They were excited to be off of MAFLO...
-Style edit: omit "of"
Alrighty! So despite all of those edits, this chapter was good action wise. I felt that the third part was very out of place and random, because it was such a total shift from the tone of this chapter and of John in our present. I'm sure that you'll tie it in somehow, I just don't see the juxtaposition of that third scene with the action in the first and second so clearly as a reader. Your dialogue in the third scene was nice though, it really quickened the pace of the part compared to the first one, but that ending contrast was good, I also thought the way you ended the third part was snappy.
The second part was definitley my favorite and I think the better written as far as the smoothness. I loved the descriptions with the dead pigs, that was quite morbid but you really captured the tone and the fascination that John has about them. When he fell in it was a great cliffhanger. I don't expect he'll die or anything, but the whole idea is quite disgusting and I really want to know how he gets out of it, or even handles being down there with all that dead stuff.
I'm having a hard time figuring out if some of the action John describes is real or if it's something he's hallucinating. Like the coyotes for instance, I had a strong belief that they were just a figment of his imagination, but you describe it so realistically that I'm not sure. That sort of blurring between reality and non-reality is something I enjoy though, personally as a reader, but the more confusing visuals, like the paragraph with the screw, threw me off.
The setting and the descriptions tended to get a little wordy at some points, but that's not always a bad thing. It sure did take John a lot of time to get from inside the house to outside the house, but I can appreciate that. My recent writings have had me whirling with action and brief descriptions, but this story and writing has me stepping back and enjoying the finer details in certain scenes, like the mention of the whole fiasco of getting outside the door without making any noise.
Overall I also enjoy the mystery of John, I feel that you keep his motives and his past very secret, but only reveal certain things, like his mother, or the instance of the hole in his jeans sprinkled throughout his narrative. So all's interesting there. There were only a few confusing sentences overall, but it didn't detract from my understanding of the basic plot structure, action, and characters.
| lookingwest 7/8/10 . chapter 2
..."Our orders aren't to leave", and then we all burned everything down.
-Edit: comma needs to be inside the quotations
...and wonder if it's custom in their society to kill innocent people as well.
-Edit: "it's" should be "it was", because your narrative is now in past tense, remember to stay in your chosen tenses
Mother spider saw it differently, however.
-Style Edit: "Mother spider, however, say it differently."
...until finally the father and mother spider get a very agressive divorce.
-Edit: "agressive" should be "aggressive"
-Style Edit: would insert "would" in front of "get"
...will feel broken.
-Edit: "will" needs to be "would", you're still in past tense, not present. You've done something really really weird by actually propelling the narrative into the future of "what would happen *later*, not what's happening right now in past tense" and that throws me off a little-I've never seen it done. Plus, I think it's throwing you off too, because you're switching into present tense on instinct.
He'll constantly question what real love is, and whether it exists, for the rest of his life.
-Edit: "He [would] constantly question what real love [was], and whether it [existed], for the rest of his life."
He won't ever find an answer.
-Edit: "won't" should be "wouldn't"
However, he will adopt his fathers opinions throughout weekends spent with him, and every night he'll argue with his mother the same point she used to argue with her husband during those long nights past.
-Style Edit: insert the "however" between the two clauses
-Edit: put this in past tense
She'll cry everynight, thinking that her son was slowly becoming her ex.
-Edit: "everynight" should be "every night"
-Edit: put in past tense
-In fact, yeah...the whole rest of this paragraph needs to be in past tense...
Overall, I'm a little confused, I won't lie. I'm not sure who's narrating this, and I'm not sure if that murder at the beginning was a dream or not-you say it's a dream, but is it a nightmare that the narrator gets after watching the actual murder happening due to the guards/rebellion activities? That was confusing. I understood that the character went into a rant about spiders though, and compared them to real people and personified them. That was interesting and I didn't mind that, I was just trying to figure out who exactly is doing the narrating.
Because you've only give us one part of the story in one chapter, it's hard to know if you're going to switch POVs on us or not, because this beginning is so vastly different from the beginning of Chapter 1, you know? The biggest difference, is that it's in past tense. Does that mean that this part happened before the first chapter happened? It's got me a little confused about the time sequence of chapter one. I think you need to pick a tense to stick with for your story, past or present, and you need to stick with it faithfully chapter after chapter, otherwise you're jerking the reader around.
I liked the end of the first paragraph the best, that was a good descriptive image. You tend to really enjoy the comma and split up clauses with your sentences though, and I'd watch out for that. Try reading one paragraph in the first part aloud to yourself, and see if you can get what I'm saying. Maybe not...but the commas and the long sentences stick out a tad. Just wondering-do you use Microsoft Word when you write the first drafts? Some of the spelling errors I found should be highlighted red in MicroWord, so if you do, make sure that you make those proper spelling edits, because they should be very easy to catch, and that sticks out, even if this is considered a first draft version.
Ah-so that whole first part was a dream, then? Eh, a little unrealistic for a dream, in my opinion. I usually don't know anyone who goes into rants about self-reflection futures of spider armies that could actually symbolically describe my parents relationships-I could, however, go on such a rant when fully conscious. I'm a hard critic of the dream sequence-this one didn't cut it as realistic to me. It was in past tense, which was strange, and too detailed with concise thoughts. The MC has to go to a shrink to tell him the dream and extract the meaning-but you make the meaning almost too clear to the reader, so that there's no mystery about what it could mean when it comes time perhaps for the shrink to figure it out. Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesn't, it's been a long night...
"He's out in the feilds, spraying crop."
-Edit: "feilds" should be "fields" I know that this can be fixed with MicroWord, or even in Doc Manager at FP. Even though this is a first draft, I stress again, make sure you give it a read through for this sorts of obvious spelling mistakes too!
I admire how amazingly smart I am.
-Eh, this came off a little vainly pretentious. That's good though, I think it might give him a weakness for the reader to recognize.
However, grilled cheese more than suffices.
-Style Edit: would omit "However" and replace it with "But" and omit the comma
I liked the paragraph about the military food, that's a nice touch to add in some extra detail about the setting and also about the narrator.
The televisions on...
-Edit: needs an apostrophe "s" for "televisions"
..."we guard the prime. ..."
-Edit: "We" needs to be capitalized because you started a new sentence with the speaker tag preceding it
-Should "Prime" be capitalized? It sounds important, like the position of a leader or a whole label for a big group of people, like the military or government, ect. Your call, of course.
Ah, so our narrator is in/perhaps was in, the military. That's a fun twist. I like that you reveal this by having the scene revolve around an ordinary dinner. It heightens the tension of the scene, I think. I almost became wary because of the mention of the military-they're never good, are they? Haha, but I'm looking forward to where you'll take this idea. And I also enjoyed the narrator's little asides about Lu and how nice she is, plus showing the reader the normal routine for this family. Good details about Lu's job too-gives perspective on the times and places of your setting. Electric City races sound fun...
I had to keep my head focused straight, which was dissapointing.
Gerard sat upon a sort of throne.
-And he's the prime? This really makes me think that "prime" should be capitalized then-it should if it's a title
He didn't have to walk on the same floor we walked on.
-Style Edit: would omit "on", try not to end with prepositions
Ack, the prime's a little bit of a bad-ass isn't he? Interesting little order there-I liked it, straight and to the point. I'm guessing I'm not supposed to like him? I'm curious with this story, usually in the future, the military and the government, or any sort of authority, is always the antagonist, so I keeping wondering where you're going to take the plot! I suppose I will just have to be patient, haha. Good description concerning the prime and his appearance, a little out of place for the idea of the military, to be on a throne, but I really liked that, it's got some historical displacement going on!
Overall I liked this chapter as a whole, really, sorry if I sound too critical of it but I think the three parts worked well together, and the only huge problems were with tense changing and the spelling errors, I think. I look forward to where you take this, and I've got you alerted so I await the next chapter.
| burtclifton 7/8/10 . chapter 1
I'm curious... is it the same character in both halves? I only ask because the tense is quite different. In the first half, it's got a "present tense" feel to it as if the character is currently thinking it or describing it to someone. The second half is all past tense with 'there WAS' and 'HAD been' in the narrative. I'm not sure if that was a conscious thing, but perhaps you could figure out how to reconcile the two?
And I guess inquiring minds want to know... do they find any rebels? )
| lookingwest 7/8/10 . chapter 1
Just heads up, my style edits are always things that I would change personally, but don't *need* to be changed grammatically, while my edits are things I think need to be changed for grammar specifically :)
The wind blowing around, chills up my spine, and still, it's summer vacation and sort of warm out.
-Style Edit: omit "around" because when wind blows it's implied that it blows "around" things
-Style Edit: omit "out", implied because character is outside
The wind is fierce enough that its almost blowing off of me.
-Style Edit: omit "of"
Rarely, however, are cars parked at the angle.
-Style Edit: omit "however"
...throwing my arms up...
-Style Edit: would edit: "...throwing [up] my arms..."
"Why the hell are you we-"
-Edit: not sure about this one, I feel like "you we" was a typo, but it could not be...maybe insert a comma after "you", if not?
I'm drowned out by the three ships that float by overhead.
-Style Edit: would omit "by"
They must be headed towards...
-Style Edit: I'd start a new paragraph here
Soon as I'm off of Parole I'll probably head there...
-Style Edit: I usually don't mess with things like dialogue, so this is really just optional for you, because people speak as people speak, but I'd consider omitting "of", no biggie if you decide to keep it though, like most of my style edits
Lu greets her with a brightly spoken "Heya, Gypsy!", though the greeting falls upon deaf ears.
-Edit: insert comma after "spoken" and omit comma after dialogue
I compensate, however, with a dandy "Morning" back to her.
-Edit: insert commas after "dandy" and "morning"
Back on Earth...
-Style Edit: now this could be taken the wrong way since this is a sci-fi story-I'm taking it as "paying attention now" or something of that effect, but it could be taken literally by some readers who don't like thinking too hard, XD, so maybe consider changing it just so it doesn't suggest that the character is off-world, or perhaps whatever they would think...
Overall I enjoyed the first part. I felt like the first few paragraphs were very realistic, and I enjoyed how relatable they were for me, especially, because I can really picture the fields you describe, because it's common in SD too, obviously. A huge strength so far too, is the voice of your character. He's got an extremely bold voice, just by saying things like "Sigh"-I almost sense sarcasm, but it highlights him, and suits him I think. It also keeps the narrative really interesting.
The setting was well described, opening with a description can slow down the pace but I don't think it did here, and like I said, I found it interesting when mixed with the narrative voice. Another thing that caught my interest about that setting was the mention of the ships. I definitley perked up there-and because the story didn't have a summary, I wasn't sure what to expect. I checked the genre after I read that, and once I saw this was sci-fi I became even more invested in it-mentioning the ships really pulled me into the story completely for this first part. I'm excited to discover what you'll do with this world you've created. I also liked how you mentioned towns or other locations outside of the immediate character/setting, because it hinted to something larger and shows you've obviously got plans and a well thought out direction for your character's wants, dropping those in the first part was also wise.
...which supported a VHS machine and a television above that.
-Style Edit: would omit "that" and replace it with "it"
Though, up the wall there was another dresser...
-Edit: I found this confusing, just because I couldn't imagine "up the wall" properly, perhaps? Does it mean further from the other dresser against the wall? Certainly not up on the wall...
...and an acoustic guitar.
-Implied to be on top of the dresser? That's a big object to have on a dresser-maybe re-word so that it's beside the dresser? The visual felt odd to me...
Overall, you know, I'd almost suggest to you that you put the second part first. It felt like more of a prologue-ish point to me, then again, I can see where putting it first might turn some reader's off, because it definitley contains some heavy description. If you ever do publish, ect, I would consider switching the order of the parts in this chapter, but then for purposes of FP I think you can leave it-FP definitley needs something to hook readers in.
Concerning the heavy description, I enjoyed it. I found some of the sentences a little daunting with a lot of commas, but it never got to a point of me feeling like it was necessary for me to point it out to you, so we're good there. I again, found the objects you described, and the room itself, very relatable. For instance, I read "Whinnie the Pooh" all the time when I was a kid, so I could really visualize the book there, among other things. I also liked the touch of the Jesus portrait, just because that seems like something common for farm houses-I dunno, could be stereotyping majorly there, XD. But anyway, the visualizations were really the gems in this part!
I also liked how you finally brought in the narrative voice there at the end, I'd almost suggest trying to incorporate it earlier in the four paragraphs before it-maybe then that could spice it up to get a reader's attention if you were to bump it to the first part instead of the second, just as a suggestion. I thought the touches of how the character interacts with the description of the room wise to include, and I liked that you mentioned the guitar, the keyboard, that sort of thing that you just finished describing. It makes me mildly curious about your character, but not as curious as the first part did. Still, I think this is a good start with character development.
The two parts are definitley different to me, but I'm glad they were both together because I can see where you're going with it and I get a broader sense of your intentions-I dislike it when author's only give a five paragraph prologue, ect, because I don't get a flavor usually, of the story itself-I think your first part achieved that, most definitley.
I look forward to continuing with the story, it's caught me so far, and I'm curious to see where you're going to take it. I'm always up for a good sci-fi, and from all our discussions I know you've got some awesome influences backing you up with this!
| burtclifton 7/7/10 . chapter 2
I've got to confess that I haven't read chapter one yet. That said, this one stands alone pretty well. I could only find a couple of spelling errors...
"gaurd" should be "guard"
"dissapoint" should be "disappoint"
Although I really liked the narrative of the first part, one thing that slowed it down for me was all the commas. That's not to say you should instead write long, run-on sentences! If you can say the sentence aloud without running out of breath every few seconds, you're probably good! So unless you're going for a staggering effect of some sort, you might want to think about shaving a few of those commas.
That said, the imagery was evocative and the dialogue was sharp and focused. Nice job! I'll have to go back and read part one now...
| Experiment101 7/7/10 . chapter 2
I really enjoyed this chapter as well, I think I am really going to like this story as it progresses.
| Experiment101 7/7/10 . chapter 1
You had me at the air ships, I was so excited to see someone else writing about ships. I enjoyed the characters point of view and can see my self getting easily attached.
E From the road house.
| Piptik 7/6/10 . chapter 1
"Stupid dane." I huff, arms folded.
Even though 'Stupid dane' is one sentence, it is dialogue and should be one included into the sentence after it (When the sentence after is something like, "I huff,", "Betty screamed," etc.)
Change the period after 'dane' to a comma.
The descriptions are well written. I like how conscious the narrator seems.
Gypsy sounds like a cute dog. Great Danes are some of my favorite dogs. The simile about her was fun.
"Electric city is always a blast. You don't see a lot of stuff like the mods up in the air. So, yeah, Saturday couldn't come quicker."
The 'c' in 'city' should be capitalized since it's part of 'Electric city' and that is a proper noun.
I really liked how you wrote the description of the mom's room. Almost no repetition (Which is rare, compared to some writing I've read) and the emotions woven into the last paragraph were resplendant! (Haha, love that word, even though it's not a real one)
Wonderful so far, though the titles or the books are grammatically incorrect. In titles of books you always capitalize the key words. "winnie the pooh" would become 'Winnie the Pooh", "lord of the rings" would become "Lord of the Rings" etc.
Can't wait for the second chapter!
| seredemia 7/5/10 . chapter 1
'I can sit on the back porch and stare at the endless [feild.]'
- Spelling: field
'The wind blowing around, chills up my spine, and still, it's summer vacation and sort of warm out.'
- Summer vacation... Aahh. I love the feeling of this story so far. It sounds very peaceful and I think you did a great job on capturing the calm, beautiful landscapes that this person is describing.
'The wind is [feirce] enough that its almost blowing off of me.'
- Spelling: fierce
'My hair, curly[,] and [dark] dark brown,'
- You don't need the second comma, and it would be better if you got rid of one of the 'dark's.
'Tom started farming them not [to] far back.'
- Spelling: too
I love the way you describe things. You just make it sound so beautiful and flawless. I'm loving the atmosphere here so far...
'She looks to me[,] and gives a small grunt.'
- I'm pretty certain you don't need the comma here.
'They would hurt my eye[']s if I hadn't been outside for a little while.'
- Get rid of the apostrophe
Wow, ships? Like what, flying ships? This reminds me of Howl's Moving Castle (the movie)... There was a aprt where the main character was in a peaceful valley, then out of nowhere, aship flies over her head :P Anyway, I'm interested to see what those ships have in common with this story
'Well, would you like me to make you something to eat? I know you don't like breakfast foods. I could make you some grilled cheese, or-"
- You forgot speech marks at the start of the sentence
'It was full of coats, jackets, sweaters, a keyboard, a little girls dress,'
- You forgot the apostrophe
'It used to be my mothers'.'
- Unless she has two mothers, the apostrophe should be after 'r'.
Anyway, I liked that starting chapter. I'm not sure about the last section though. I thought it dragged down the rest of the chapter. It only described the room, and I'm not sure if that was necessary. Aside from that, keep it up!
Repay via The Unwanted
| this wild abyss 7/4/10 . chapter 1
From the Roadhouse:
- “My v-neck, and my curly hair, which reaches to the middle of my neck, and, if I pull the curl down, right under my eyes, blow in the breeze, as if I was in a movie or something.” This sentence is really, really long and disjointed. You should break it up into smaller bit. It would save the reader’s eyes and also his/her brain from trying to figure out what you’re saying here.
- “They were meant as a place for cars to park, because there's no pavement or asphalt on the farm, instead what isn't peas or wheat is either dirt and gravel road or miscellaneous weeds, which paint the area between the shop, and the grounded trailer where I currently reside.” This is another really long, confusing sentence.
- “My [setence] is drowned out by three ships [thatfloat] by overhead.” Misspellings/typos.
- “The door had a slight creak; it was made a few decades ago, and was definitely on [its'] way out.” The apostrophe is unnecessary.
- “There was a painting of Jesus as he [descended] the heavens, above the bed, and on the wall following that one there was a sun hat made of a green woven string, with a rose in its crevice, above an unfolded fan with the same rose pattern as the comforter, and some ice skating shoes with the iceblades torn off.” First, this sentence is ridiculously long. You could probably et three or four sentences out of this. Second, Jesus never ‘descended’ from heaven, he only ‘ascended’. You should probably fix that, for accuracy’s sake.
- For the first chapter of what seems like an epic thing, this was somewhat weak, I thought. You didn’t introduce the conflict, and the setting wasn’t firmly established in my mind. Your characters are also lacking, for I didn’t really get a good idea of what they were like at all.
- The pace was a little rushed, and you could definitely add more description to it. You skimmed over the mention of the spaceship thingies, which you should have focused on, since they were the only thing indicating the Sci-Fi aspect of this story.
- You writing is a little rambling, as I’ve indicated above. It’s always a better idea to cut unnecessary adjectives, adverbs and other modifiers and leave the sentence somewhat bare bones. Long sentences are okay every once in a while, if they’re really important. But none of the sentences I pointed out were anything more than description, which flows better if you don’t present it all at once.
- In short, this is an interesting concept, and I think you could take it pretty far. But first you’ll need to make everything a lot less confusing.