|Reviews for Bloodstained Noble|
| Black Bride Anna 4/3/11 . chapter 6
Absolutely amazing! Great actions, and wonderful representation of Yaris' crazy side. Though he showed it more with the twins than anyone else. I wonder what will happen to Rosillia now.
| Dark Kurogane 3/27/11 . chapter 6
Loved the fight with The Pink Flower, and it came to a very interesting conclusion. I actually thought that the flower would have been a girl for sure. I can't wait to see what you do next!
| Iruka-sama 3/27/11 . chapter 6
Great story so far! I wonder who they're going to fight? Is it the Baron or whoever Rosilla's betrothed was?
| Nesasio 3/6/11 . chapter 1
Those were the thoughts of a blonde noble as his white-gloved hand reached out to an innocent white rose, that was cradled snugly in an intricate vase.
-The comma doesn't need to be there, not with the sentence written like this. It would only need a comma if the 'that was' wasn't there. Also, intricate isn't the best word to use here because an 'intricate vase' doesn't give a clear picture. What's intricate about it? The shape, a design, the color?
...across the lush floor.
-Much like 'intricate', 'lush' is a word that needs to describe something specific. A floor could be anything: dirt, grass, wood, carpet. A 'lush carpet' gives me something to visualize, a 'lush burgundy carpet' even more.
...he slowly opened his deep blue eyes...
-His eyes never closed. You describe his eyes in the second paragraph so they're obviously open then, but he never actually closes them.
...nearly incapable of any human to posses.
-'incapable of' is awkward in this context. 'impossible for' would probably be a better fit.
As long as someone wanted to go against the grain, something would happen to destroy anything precious that you hold dear.
-I don't follow the logic here. Something seems to be missing, because the second part is a non sequitur to the first.
...riddled with horror or the twisted...
-Comma after 'horror'
...who's dark inspiration...
... a splendid axe murderer.
-There's nothing technically wrong with this, but I do question the use of 'axe murderer' to describe a murderous nobleman. It's highly unlikely he'd use such a base description of himself. For a well-educated courtier, he'd probably use something with a bit more flair, like 'executioner', or something to boost his ego like 'judge' or 'justice' with a good gory adjective in front of it.
This is an interesting start. Definitely good technique to start with a bang, hah, and you've done that well with this creepy glimpse into his mind. The scene is very dramatic and hints at rich splendor all around him, but I never really got a sense of that. For the symbolism of the actions portrayed, detail is a must. Of course, then there are his thoughts, which are fun to read and definitely have a distinctly creepy voice to them. There were times, though, when his logic was hard to follow (see above) so a little rephrasing might be in order. Also, the italics toward the end were a little overwhelming. Perhaps consider breaking them up a little with brief actions. Overall, though, a nice start.
| Midnight Ghost 3/6/11 . chapter 6
Is it the Baron? :O
| Rayne wolf not logged in 2/8/11 . chapter 3
I like this chapter, it was entertaining to read and the characters are cool.. This feels like the medivial times for your Courrpted principal story.. I can't wait to read more
| Jive Heron the Axis Tripper 2/1/11 . chapter 5
This story just keeps getting better. I love the fact that the characters are so deep, even now, I see great depth in Rosillia and Yaris from their fights and struggles. Yaris isn't like the typical insane royalty figure. He's humanized and has motives behind what he does, that make him understandable. Some people make such one dimensional bad guy types. It's nice to see something a little different.
| Tragedy of Light and Dark 2/1/11 . chapter 5
Yaris was just awesome here. I like how he got the guns away from the two assassins with his claws. So, I'm guessing that the Pink Flower is who he's going up against next. I can't wait.
| Dark Angel Hiroshima 2/1/11 . chapter 5
This...was just...awesome! I loved the fight sequence with the twins and I love Yaris to pieces. XD He is my new fictional crush, lol.
| Lime-sama 2/1/11 . chapter 5
Yaris is just so interesting. I can't keep my sights away from him. You gave him such an interesting personality, and in this chapter, he's so cold and evil. It's nice to see something that's from a point of view like this.
| Black Bride Anna 2/1/11 . chapter 5
Yaris continues to be absolutely kick-ass. I love how crazy you made him here, and how daring he was up against the guns of the twins. Rosillia didn't have as much action as I thought she would in this chapter, but she did have a lot of depth. All of your characters are so interesting.
| Dark Kurogane 2/1/11 . chapter 5
Yaris never fails to amaze me. His character just keeps getting more and more interesting as the chapters fly by, and Rosillia is still as mysterious as she was in chapter 1. I wonder what her goal is, and why she had compassion for the twins, even though she knew that they had a mission to specifically kill Yaris.
| Iruka-sama 2/1/11 . chapter 5
It's nice to see another update on this story! I really liked the twin's characters and the beautiful imagery. The more I read this story, the more I love the twisted side of Prince Yaris. I also like how deep Rosillia's feelings are too.
| Whirlymerle 1/30/11 . chapter 1
The imagery of getting the white roses stained with blood make for hauntingly beautiful beginning.
[to posses.] This should be possess.
[Prince Yaris Adair Staffordshire I, who's dark inspiration is none other than Jack the Ripper.] I don’t believe this is the nobleman thinking anymore, so this shouldn’t be in italics.
The prologue is excellent, though I would have liked to see more descriptions rather than thoughts. I look forward to reading more.
| Fox Trot 9 1/25/11 . chapter 2
I'm sorry I haven't reviewed in such a long time; life got in the way, I guess.
Anyway, I must say, this chapter kicks ass! Seriously. And that's because the pacing is really good; it didn't feel rushed, nor did it feel over-bloated. It just felt natural, and when the pace feels natural, that's when the reading is at its easiest, even when reading chapters of this length. When done just right, reading can almost be like watching a movie, only better because you get to experience the story in a way few movies can offer—and that's through the power of the imagination.
Also, I see that you used a few real-life names for a few of the characters, including Rutherford B. Hayes (U.S. President), Madam Lafayette (wife of General de Lafayette) and Earl Hamilton (baseball player). I haven't thought of doing that with my characters; I think I might give that a try. I know some published authors do that, too.
And that line again: I wish to paint the white roses red...with the color of YOUR blood. I've seen repeating motifs before, even repeating lines, but it's usually through flashback, not dialogue. But it works really well, here; I know it works, because I can't get it out of my mind! It was kind of freaky, actually!
And last, I loved the way you gave Yaris a reason for his murderous deeds; you humanized him, making him into something more than the stereotypical monster most writers here write. It's a double-edged sword to be taken advantage of, because you can make him that much scarier and that much more interesting. Especially in a revenge story; revenge stories have been written to death, so it's nice to see someone breathe some life into them.