|Reviews for Coup d'Etat|
| lookingwest 2/4/11 . chapter 1
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Even though this is an older piece, I'm assuming you have it up on FP so you can get edits for it and improve it too, heh, so I'll try to help when you do your revisions!
...scary that night out of revenge and Ellie and Cassie...
-Edit: Insert a comma after "revenge"
"I get the top bunk tonight." Cassie declared, climbed..."
-Edit: omit the period after "tonight" and then replace it with a comma
-Style: Suggestion to change "declared" to "said"
Ellie climbed up after her...
-Style: can omit "up"
...until their daddy stormed in...
-Edit: I *think* "daddy" should be capitalized because it's his name and we won't hear his real name.
He straightened up and...
-Style: can omit "up"
I like the description of their Dad walking outside the room at night because I think it's realistic-I noticed that kind of thing too when I was younger. I also think it was a nice detail because it amps up the tension a bit, and keeps that foreshadow going.
...and threw the lights on.
-Style: "...and threw on the lights."
...the light from the star-and-moon nightlight in the corner...
-Enjoyed this imagery because it gives you a good visual of the lighting and the mystical world that the bedroom transitions into during the night-at the same time I think you could pull more out of that then just mentioning what kind of nightlight it was, and give a fuller, richer depiction.
...and their scariest Halloween masks on they were a sight to behold...
-Edit: I think this clause needs to be re-arranged because it's a bit confusing and I think that's because it might need to be two sentences. Would suggest, "...and had on their scariest Halloween masks. They were a sight to behold..."
...Ellie tackled him to the ground.
-Edit: "ground" should be "floor"
Alright, so, yeah, this was another kind of fluffy story, but I think it had way more characterization than the last WCC one, and I think you weren't as blunt with the message of facing your fears, though it was a heavy theme. I liked the characterization and descriptions you put into this the best. I think perhaps I wanted a bit more from the monster, maybe a linger on his scary teeth, if they dripped with anything, on any claws (I know he had tentacles, but you never know), or any other descriptions that might have amped up the scariness. I know you can do scary monsters though, since I've seen that great piece with the beast in it, so I can see the beginnings of that working here. I enjoyed the dynamics between Cassie and Ellie. Writing children is something I am very afraid of and so I get you props for that-I think you handled the dialogue well. I'm not really sure what constitutes as children-talk these days as far as literature goes, so I'm not sure I can really critique it at all, but it seemed very reasonable to me! Overall a fun short story, you're portfolio has quite a mix between lighter and darker pieces, I'm very intrigued, XD.
| XxNoImaginationxX 9/29/10 . chapter 1
This story was so adorable I had to review!
The characters you created were all really sweet and well thought out.
I loved Ellie and Cassie. They were very realistic and intelligent, especially for their age. The mentions of breaking and entering and having to pay rent really made me laugh. They have a very cute charm about them, it was really great.
I also like how you described the monster from the girls' eyes. It reminded me of Monsters Inc. actually.
The way you narrated it helped set the tone very well, but it seemed a bit inconsistent at times. It would start in a very innocent, childlike kind of description, then it would gradually get 'older'.
The only thing I can really find fault in is some of the sentence structure. There were a few sentences I had to read over a few times to fully understand. But other than that, it was a really well rounded, innocent story. Really good! )
- Lola from the Review Game.
| Hearts of Solitude 7/24/10 . chapter 1
This is very cute. I liked it alot.
I suggest you should re-read stuff outloud to see if it's running on; there are quite a few run on sentenses. While they helped make your little girls more creadible, I found they took a little away from the story; at times I was a little confused.
Other than that, I though this was great! Your characters are super cute and very believable.
| Datarin 7/23/10 . chapter 1
Adorable piece of work. Love it!
| James Hayden 7/23/10 . chapter 1
I'm not sure why I'm reading FanFiction at ten o'clock at night, but I'm glad I'm reading this.