|Reviews for Made|
| Atlas Aztlan 9/22/10 . chapter 1
That was a very impressive introduction to your story. I was thoroughly intrigued. Your smooth writing style is fairly easy to read and your grammar is superb.
I can honestly say, by the time I finished reading your work, I was drawn into the story and actually gave a damn about the main character. In fact, all of the characters so far had a real human quality to them- instead of being robotic, corny, or fake. The dialogue was also good, believable and fresh.
Like the previous review, however, I had trouble separating the things she said and the the things she thought. I suggest using this: '
... when she's speaking to herself or in her thoughts, rather than this: "
I am anxiously waiting for your next chapter. Please don't give up on this. You've really got the potential to make an elaborate and well written story.
| SpandexSuperhero 8/24/10 . chapter 1
To begin, the content of this story is fantastic. I enjoyed reading it and even subscribed to continue reading this story as it progresses. There was nothing I could put my finger on which I could say "Why would she do that, this makes no sense", but that isn't to say I have no remarks.
There were a ton of short sentences where a comma would have been welcomed with open arms. I suppose there were a few run-on sentences as well, but not enough to really be noted as much as the short sentences. Such as the Paragraph where Mrs. Kensington addresses Aeron for the first time [and we find out our main character's name], has a few short sentences that could have been rewritten. There were a few where I understood that there was an attempt for the blunt statement, such as the sentence:
"Something was horribly wrong. I felt conceited for worrying about ceiling tiles and blood shot eyes."
That was all I really saw Grammatically speaking, but there was one *huge* thing that really threw me off while reading. The transaction between Aeron speaking to Mrs. Kensington and parents trying to adopt her had no transaction at all. I thought she was still talking to Mrs. Kensington, and when you mentioned the husband I thought "If Mrs. Kensington's husband is there, she should have mentioned that before the entire conversation, not after". Though this was not the true case, and it completely confused and derailed me. This occurred a few more times, but not as radically as the one mentioned above.
Also: "How do you do is school?"
I can't really elaborate more on that, other than just saying that this is what the parents asked Aeron. I can only guess it is meant to be read as "How do you do in school?", but I sat for a few minutes and attempted to translate it for quite a while before figuring out what it meant [In truth it's only a small typo, and I probably should have caught on faster, but the fact is that it's there and I want to bring it to light].
Other than the mentioned above, there is really nothing else to note on. The spelling, as far as I could tell, was fantastic and I loved the storyline. I especially enjoyed the name of the Orphanage, as I felt a tone of sarcastic humor when I read it. Just consider those short sentences, and unless you're pausing for dramatic effect or an interrupting statement [such as this], a good rule about commas is you should never have more than 2 unless you're listing things in a sentence. I hope to see your next update soon, and encourage you to continue!