|Reviews for The Hypnotist's Son|
| Nesasio 9/11/10 . chapter 1
Lovely poem. I must admit I didn't really follow it all. The little allusions were great (my favorite lines being 'Salvador Dali with pineapple/Gustav Klimt ala boudoir) and I understood things line by line but, in the end, it didn't come together as a complete picture in my mind. I was a little foggy on the overall meaning of the poem. I'm dreadful at interpreting poetry, though, so that may be more my fault than yours. :)
"with her toes taught and tight upright to spread the kiss."
I didn't understand the use of 'taught' in this line. Was it deliberate or were you looking for 'taut'? Taut seems like it would make more sense with what's going on, but I'm not sure if that's what you meant to say. Just thought I'd point it out because it was the only potential mistake I saw.
Good luck on WCC!
| Sercus Kaynine 9/8/10 . chapter 1
You always have beautiful poems for WCC! This time around is no exception. I liked all of the references to well known people or things (allusion, it is). It made the poem seem more modern and up to date.
"He will roll his tongue like a ferris wheel inside her mouth -
touch goose feathers to her pixie flesh, compare her
to Marie Antoinette, though preferring Thumbelina
with her toes taught and tight upright to spread the kiss."
My fav stanza. Whimsical first line there.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| lookingwest 9/6/10 . chapter 1
I really love the second stanza, I think it's my favorite, because of the "Marie Antoinette" line, and the slant internal rhyme in the last line as well, I love the whole thing because it's so rich with images and I liked the different images you conjured up with your allusions to other people and also "Thumbelina".
I also like how you separated each stanza because it took focus on the action and moved the pace along, it was much like a story, or a character sketch going in depth with this man and the way he acts and his internal emotion. I love the subject matter, the title of the piece, and how it opens this character up to the reader so gracefully. Well written, as usual, chuck full of rich imagery!
best of luck in this month's WCC
| notveryalice 9/5/10 . chapter 1
1. Are the apostrophes in "sphere's" and "axis' " intentional? It looks like you only intended to pluralize them, otherwise they make no grammatical sense in the poem. If it's artistic license, then I still suggest removing them - they're pretty confusing.
2. Style edit: "any dowager/ daughter crowned inside her own/ gentry" - Where else would she be crowned? How about "bow, as he might to any/ crowned dowager daughter."
Often, but not always, I haven't the foggiest why you break lines where you do. It seems a bit... random. One of the advantages (and one of the conventions) of free verse is that you use line breaks to mean something, and in this poem you haven't really done that. Why write a poem, instead of free-written prose? It's a fine distinction, but one that might benefit the piece.
I love these lines (and I like how they're split, an exception to the above CC point): "caress/ your broken immaculation; praise/ you like a gutter leaf"
I like the imagery in this poem - for me, it paints a charismatic man cleverly, with all of the points that make him that way, including his faults. I interpreted this to be about his breath, for example: "sipping day old coffee/ before dribbling it into your ear".
| lipleaf 9/4/10 . chapter 1
I love your opening stanza in this. You drew me in immediately with your wonderful word choice and imagery- "a star shivering in its own shine" and "when her eyelids wink up at the sky" are great descriptions and really paint a vivid image for me. "Shine" also reminds me of Russian moonshine, but that's just me. The line "he will roll his tongue like a ferris wheel" is also well-phrased and eloquent- the way you describe things never fails to intrigue me. The entire piece is littered with great imagery.
I enjoy the shift in mood this poem has. It starts out being somewhat sensual and then moves on to a more innocent tone, sounding almost like two children. The way you switch from "her" to "you" is another interesting facet of this poem and the change is quite subtle- the reader isn't thrown off by it. The personality you created for the boy was quite likable (or I think so, at least). I get this impression of a somewhat sassy boy that's a bit of a flirt but with class and sophistication. I suppose you could say suave. The last line reinforces the second part of that statement. Nice job characterizing the boy without actually saying much besides a few snapshots of his actions.
| Adrenalin 9/4/10 . chapter 1
As always your first line is great. I didn't even knew what carpetbagger meant before reading this, so I had to look for a translation, but once I had the meaning, I got how forceful that first line is. It says almost all in such few words. I was impressed. I also liked the 'shi' sounds of the second line.
I loved the reference to Thumbelina, I like that story so much... The last line of that stanza was also great.
I didn't really like the third stanza, because you went to his mother so suddenly. There's also an abrupt change in the length of the sentences, going from rather long to very short and... well... not saying much, too. (Not trying to be mean here)
The description of his giggle is one of my favorite lines in the whole poem, though first place goes to those 'taught and tight toes'.
Starting from 'how he held his hairline', there seems to be a change in the format of the poem. The lines are shorter and you break sentences in the middle. Maybe it is intended to show the confusion of the character? I didn't liked it much, because the flow of the piece changes too greatly.
Overall I liked that piece very much, though I always feel you use too much 'complicated' words for me (but that's because I don't know them).
Good luck on the WCC,
| simpleplan13 9/4/10 . chapter 1
Good luck in the WCC.
"The Hypnotists Son"... Hypnotist's
"like a Farris wheel inside her mouth"... Ferris
"forgoing harsher delicacies for swollen lip"... foregoing and I think it should be a swollen lip or swollen lips.
I like the piece. The word choices and descriptions were really great. I especially like the wind chimes part. The only thing is the changing in tenses really kind of confused me. At first I thought it was someone she knew, then someone she wanted to meet, and then someone she does know now. Other than that really well done.