Chapter 21

It's interesting how short this chapter is, yet how much it tells the reader. She really needs someone to talk to and apart from her best friend, she's comfortable talking with Eric. That's an improvement in their relationship.

Chapter 19

I just realised that I hadn't written a review for this in the PM that I sent you. So sorry about that. I accidentally labelled your Chapter 17 as Chapter 18 and then went on from there, but I skipped reviewing this one.

So, here's my review.

She's continuously talking when she finds out that her mother overdosed.

You're sticking with showing her nervous tic, that's good. I guess I did find it sort of weird that she ran of to the bathroom and stuff. I probably would have run out of the place and started bawling my eyes out. But that's just me.

Moving on...

It's interesting how she immediately knows what went wrong the minute she sees her father's reaction. The intenseness of the moment can be felt, at least to me.

Also, Those three words that her father says just let her know what went wrong, so it's nice that you've shown how attentive she can be.

That's about it from me.

Chapter 20

And London bridge falls down. Wow, a mother with suicidal tendencies. And her father acknowledges it while Marie doesn't want to. Her reaction is understandable; I really do feel bad for her.

But, there is something off in the way she reacts. First she cries and then she's angry. I get it, somewhat, but it's all of a sudden. She just changes from crying her eyes out to hating her mother to being embarrassed about it.

Wait, now that I put it like that, it makes sense.

Maybe just work on the coherence of it all. That's what I'm trying to get at.

This chapter is well set-up for a further development in Marie's character: how is she going to react after this conflict?

Chapter 18

Wow, I feel bad for Marie. The way her dad is talking to her shows just how much stress he himself is going through. I wonder what exactly is bothering him.

And the way in which Marie just goes on and on about what could have happened to her mother just shows her character: when she is nervous or worried, her tic comes out - she starts talking a lot.

I like the conflict here.

Oh, and anger and worry aren't the same or similar emotions. So, technically wouldn't Leo Summerbee have four emotions?

Chapter 17

More friend interaction: Yay!

I also like the Marie-Eric interactions: they are interesting and they shed light on Eric's character. Which reminds me, we don't see much of Eric. He's not entirely present throughout the story. Which is fine because I'm guessing that you will be getting him more later in to the story.

I like the light banter that occurs between the two; makes you question whether, when they get together, how they will be.

Ooh! Christine saw all that. Wait, I thought she had left. Where did she come back from?

And here comes the conflict that I was awaiting. Ah, Eric wants to be there for her, how sweet of him.

Oh, and more of Marie's uncertainty...her confusion, her different method of expressing her anger and her confusion.

Chapter 16

Christine's attitude is so out of the blue, at least I think so. But I guess she thinks that since she knows Marie who knows Eric, she'll be cool and stuff. So yeah.

However, Christine seems like a very hot-and-cold type of a person.

I don't understand why exactly Marie even puts up with Christine. Why does she?

Is she generally just a type of person who helps people whenever they ask her for help?

Chapter 15

Interesting conversation between Eric and Marie; Eric prefers girls who are confident. So far, Marie has shown herself to be confident. Nice.

The entire exchange between the two was different, that is for sure.

Haha! "Is this the part where we make babies." Well, Eric is definitely funny himself.

Chapter 14

Mostly filler, for me at least. Not much to say, unless you want me to analyse their respective texting techniques? Kidding. I suck at that anyway.

I did find it funny that Andy texts in proper English syntax.

Chapter 13

I like the snowball fight scene. It was definitely entertaining. Very entertaining. I also laughed at the nicknames; Marie is creative, cheeky and funny.

Oh, a kiss. With Marie reacting in a certain way. Sorry, I'm sort of laughing over the way in which the victory came.

Chapter 12

I'm expecting some bad thing(s) to happen. (I know that it comes later.) Oh, revenge is a dish best served cold. Nice. I like how you've set this up; I want a snowball fight (and I know that it comes)!

Chapter 11

She gets angry. That's good to know; she's not always happy or glum.

Ooh, tension between friends. Marie's other tic: she blurts out things when she is angry. Interesting.

She's hilarious too! Cheeky! Try and have more scenes where she is cheeky. It's refreshing and interesting.

Sage words of advice from Marie: she's multi-talented.

This is why I wanted to talk to you about character development: you need to show more of Marie's flaws. So far, she's been a little pissed and stuff, but it's nothing major.

By the way, I like how you're developing Marie and Michelle's relationship: their coordination is something I can relate to.

Chapter 10

This chapter was a fresh one because it showed Marie's interactions with other people

Favoritism is being brought in, and secret-ism too. No need to change that.

Chapter 9

Okay, so she doesn't like to lie. She's not immoral or anything, but she's willing to bend around the rules just a bit. Normal teenager stuff, I guess.

It's nice to see the way they interact with each other; private domain and all that: she's being coddled by her parents...or her dad at least.

Chapter 3 grammatical correction

I meant slightly, not slighlty.

Chapter 4

I like how you have shown Marie here. Her nervous tick is that she starts using a lot of "ands". Funnily enough, kids use a lot of "ands" in their speech as well. She's somewhat cute in her own way. So yeah. I like it.

I also like the "Chronically disobedient child" sentence. It was funny.

The parents relationship here is a bit weird. What I mean is that while the mother is talking about something, the father is talking about something else. This makes me question the exchange between the two in the previous chapter. Were they really just being unconventional, or is there something more?

Chapter 5

I just noticed that the "Four Days Ago" thing in Chapter 1, because "3 Days Ago" which means that Chapters 1, 2, 3 and 4 were all incidents that happened on the one day. I know, I'm a tubelight. Sorry. Anyway, moving on.

The way in which Marie reacts to Christine asking her a favor shows the reader that she either a) is not very popular and so not well-liked, or b) keeps her distance from people that they in turn are scared of talking to her. Could be that she's cynical.

The manner in which Eric responds to the whole incident of being corrected is normal. Sometimes people think one thing, but say another. Again, nice manner in which you showed a normalcy of Eric. And Marie, too.

Here's my suggestion/correction for one sentence: "He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I hear that you're friends with most of the staff here. The lunch ladies hate me {but} since they love you, I was kind of wondering if you could borrow about 150 trays for Friday.""

"He stuck his hands into his pockets. "You, me, and Andy Croon." Andy Croon was Eric's best friend. I heard they'd been best friends since the fifth grade. Fifth grade seems like an eternity ago. Andy has intense pestering skills that could probably make a mobster crack, a heroin addict quit drugs, and a mother hate her son." [- This was slightly awkward. One minute you are talking about the sledding thing, next you're talking about Andy's friendship with Eric. I get why you put it here, but there's something off about it; it doesn't seem fluent...smooth. Maybe that is just me.]

Chapter 6

Sweet chapter. It really is. Earlier, in Chapter 2, when Eric apologised to Marie, there was a slight possibility that he was being sweet because he needed a favor. Maybe he still is being sweet because he needs a favor, but it's still sweet of him to offer. He could have just let her walk on her own.

Chapter 7

Grammatical error correction: "Rose is a junior and nobody but the seniors {were} allowed to know about the party"

It's interesting to see that Marie is willing to undergo covert missions to let Michelle know about something. It's sort of funny.

Oh, just a suggestion, show, don't tell. For example when you let us know about Jim's attentiveness, try to show us an incident where he notices everything instead of telling us. Or, since you have told us, make sure to show us an incident where he depicts his quality.

Chapter 8

Interesting scene; she texts in class. So, she's not a goody-two-shoes.

Reviewer's note: I would have put the reviews for each chapter for that particular chapter, however, since I had reviewed it before, I can't review again. Sorry, so I just put them all together here.

Chapter 3

I like how you've shown her in a different environment as well as her interactions with her parents. It's definitely interesting. The way that she acts in the private domain is slighlty different than that in the semi-private/public domain, which is good. She shows respect to her parents, and to her friends, but her relationship with her parents is nice. Comfortable and fun.

The parents' relationship is rather unconventional, to me at least, but it's a part of the family quirk.