|Reviews for Broken Legacy: Crossroads|
| luxaurorae 9/27/12 . chapter 2
I love the changes. The scene at the subway flows better and it was good of you to show lily checking to see if the man was really staring at her. None of the characters were over done and they all seem to have thwir own voices. They seem real. Good job!
It's incredible how much you've improved actually. I wish i could get better that fast.
There was one thing that couldve been delivered better though. The information about the trains. The way it's worked out is really cool but it's a chunk full of telling. You probably could've integrated it better with some details or character interaction with the setting. (A line or two of description followed by a telling line or two. Ie...Lily stared at the miles upon miles of steel train tracks. She still couldn't believe that ...telling about the system.)
| Luxaurorae 9/18/12 . chapter 1
You changed it! It's been awhile since I read it the first time, but I feel like it's much improved. Lily is much more believable now. Each character has their own distinct tone of voice. Good job. The "Yep!" still feels a little overzealous, I think just a period would suffice. The pacing is good too. Nothing feels too rushed.
The changes to Lily's scene were great. I especially liked how she was enjoying the sunlight. You captured her mood and personality from that simple scene. And the contrast between her reaction to sunlight and Adrian's reaction to sunlight was subtle. Great changes.
| Vissermatt 4/14/12 . chapter 4
Just stepped in to say I disagree with most of the current reviews.
The current set up is far more mature than they are giving you credit for and they seem to be making shit up about your characters... Its freaking chapter 4... we don't really know anyone very well yet.
The story thus far is very simple and fun, I look forward to the updates!
Good luck have fun.
| Writing-Is-Fun 9/19/11 . chapter 3
I'm not going to go all girl power or something on your story, but this:
"Did they really send a couple of girls to kill a demon?" spoken by Mr. Daniels is rather bad since it's phrases like this that are used often in stories to promote girls that look weak, but are really strong. Sometimes their strengths can often be left unexplained making it so they can defeat 100 ft. dragons or giants with the flick of the wrist.
"His eyes wondered to the girls' chests. Maybe they could at least distract the enemy if it shows up…"
This is also bad, but not because he supports machoism; however, if you look closely you will see why. The word wondered needs to be replaced by wandered. You have no idea how many times I have seen someone write the word wondered instead of wandered when they meant wandered.
I assume that otherwise this chapter is good and that Rebecca and Lilly do their jobs properly until mysterious man (I forgot his name!) shows up and pulls them out of their dilemmas. I can't read the rest of the chapter right now but I am sorry for delaying my writing of this review.
| Writing-Is-Fun 7/22/11 . chapter 2
There is a misspelled word or misused one in here. I think you meant to write leaned instead of leant as I don't think that word exists in the dictionary.
Mr. Collins seems like the typical villain here still giving Adrian 3 days to do his dirty work. He also has body guards also typical of a powerful business suit wearing villain. Finally he is young. That I don't understand. Nobody uses old people anymore, or complete families in their stories. Even I don't at times. This of course is only for Adrian's portion of the chapter. Which I might add is okay, yet I really find that the cold heartened act does not last very long for the kind of character Adrian is, or lasts the entire story and ends up doing poorly. Yours is somewhere in the middle since so far there's not been enough done with him.
For Lily's part it feels kind of bland too. In a lot of stories or movies where I've seen a stalker/ watcher type situation occur the people just say when someone asks, "Is there something wrong, "Oh, it's nothing." Personally I think it would be cool if for once one of the characters being followed was like "Hey I think there's someone following me we should go ahead and find out who they are." Because in the few situations this does occur where the followed person tells a friend they tend to joke about it or lessen severity of the issue. If a character has someone following them and they wouldn't want they following them a real person would confront them most likely, tell someone in a serious manner, or try to really avoid them.
| Writing-Is-Fun 7/6/11 . chapter 1
I don't see anything wrong with this chapter, but just to play it safe when you write a prophecy into your story be sure your characters can actually fulfill everything that occurs in said prophecy because some readers get annoyed when a prophecy is poorly written.
This chapter chapter doesn't exactly explain all what both your introduced characters are about. I guess you've gone with the female demon hunter/mercenary with Lily and a male bounty hunter with Adrian. Mr. Collins sounds like the typical person who asks for help, yet really is villainous in the end. The idea that he is hiding behind a phone might suggest this, and the fact that he has the money to a pay triple rate on Adrian's normal fees. One can always assume rich people are usually villains because it's the only way they usually end up getting all of their secret bases and such, and the only way they properly silence people.
| ShortcakeMattie 7/5/11 . chapter 3
I thought I wouldn't have to read this tonight, but then I looked at the time. I've been a little scatterbrained lately. XD
Anyway... on to the chapter!
You capture Daniels' voice and emotions well. His thoughts made me smile, even though he's thinking just the opposite. But you can't judge a book by it's cover! :P
You also capture Lily's point of view well too. Her innocence and charm make her sound adorable; but she also has this tough side to her that I can't wait to see.
Nice cliffhanger. I wonder what will happen next. Hope you update soon! :)
Here are some edits:
"Send them in." he answered.
Edit: Send them in," he answered.
"Good morning, sir!" said the girl who in first.
Edit: I would suggest using "the girl who entered first", "the girl who arrived first", or a different word other than "in." That's just my opinion though. :)
Her blonde hair and blue eyes she made her look like one of those dress-up dolls that little girls love to play with.
Edit: Her blonde hair and blue eyes made her look like one of those dress-up dolls that little girls loved to play with.
I liked the description of the girl. It made her easy to imagine.
I hope my review was helpful. :)
| roxyideman 7/3/11 . chapter 3
Man...That is a story that involves vampires and I actually like very very much. The way you write and and the way you unravel the characters are great. Just watch out for the cliches (but I now this will keep being a great story xD)
| ShortcakeMattie 5/5/11 . chapter 2
I thought you did an excellent job with descriptions. The setting of the subway was easy to imagine and I could see it clearly as if I was there.
You had great pacing, but the sudden change between scenes confused me. I didn't really understand the part about Lily's memory and the guy wearing sunglasses... unless you have something in store for them, you can ignore my comment.
I don't think a bodyguard would announce where they are from to their clients, even if they are just meeting them for the first time. I think they would be more discreet in case the enemy was around.
Another great chapter! I noticed you hadn't updated in awhile, but I really hope you do.
| ShortcakeMattie 5/5/11 . chapter 1
The room was pitched black; not a speck of light shone through the thick dark curtains covering the windows of the apartment.
Edit: "pitched" should be "pitch"
I agree with LuxAurorae on characters, Adrien being more believable than Lily. I feel like I can connect more with Adrien, or maybe that's because my cell phone ringing woke me up this morning too. Dang people who call early in the morning! ;)
The sudden transition from Lily's point of to Adrien's confused me. Maybe add a break between the two scenes.
The opening really grabbed my attention, it adds some mystery to the story and was what caught my interest when I read your summary. The scenes flow well together and keeps everything moving. Well done.
| LuxAurorae 2/24/11 . chapter 2
I like the pacing of this. Clearly, you have one coherent plot that's moving forward as the story progresses (rather than episodic chapters). We also see how everything connects in this chapter, though I expected to see more of Adrian, rather than a new character.
As for the scene with Lily and Becky on the train, I'd suggest that you take out some of the dialogue between them. There's nothing really wrong with it, but it seems redundant for you to narrate about Lily seeing the guy with the sunglasses, and then having Lily tell Becky about it right after it happened, unless there's particular significance that Becky knows. Also, the fact that Becky's foot was caught seems like an odd choice to get Lily to look away long enough for the man to disappear, unless again, it has to do directly with the story too (like if the man was the one who caused it somehow). Something more common may suffice, like if Becky calls Lily just to try to catch up without having to be in danger. Or if you were using the incident to show that Becky's a klutz, then maybe she knocks someone over by accident or something that isn't so...uncommon. (I think my biggest qualm about the foot getting stuck is that it's a dangerous situation that has a lot of room for tension and I expected something more to happen, but for your purpose, the focus isn't on the danger.)
Lily and Becky could also be distinguished a little more clearly. As of now, they seem like very similar characters - both a little ditsy and extremely enthusiastic about things.
Lovely world building. I really liked the names of the cities and the barriers and the whole system of keeping the demons out. Great ideas and it makes for a lot of potential for the story.
"Right behind ya!" replied Becky.
John Daniels stared at the pale green walls of his office. - there should be some separation between these two lines to show a break in scenes.
"Good morning, sir!" said the girl who [went] in first.
Her blonde hair and blue eyes -she- made her look like one of those dress-up dolls that little girls love to play with.
His eyes wondered [wandered] to the girls' chests.
"That is none of your concern.[,]" said Daniels.
Daniels glanced at the two girls to see if they had detected the underlying distain[disdain] when he voiced that last part, but they both seemed perfectly oblivious.
| LuxAurorae 1/31/11 . chapter 1
Interesting. It's a great start. The pacing is good (stuff happens without it dragging on) and it leaves the reader eager to find out what happens next.
The "me" of the beginning is unclear until you address it later on. But I wonder, is it really necessary to have that part in first person POV? It might be easier to understand and to follow if everything was consistent. If the story is told in "she" then generally, it's better to keep it in the same point of view, as "she" (3rd person) rather than "I" (first person). There are exceptions of course, but usually if you want to break convention, it should be intentional and because you're trying to do something specific.
As for characters, Adrian was a much more believable character than Lily. Adrian's character is very distinct from the moment he's first introduced, and his grumpy personality is believable because it's not over the top. Lily, while she's also distinct (enthusiastic and cheerful), doesn't seem as believable because the way she acts is...too much. (I'll message you with more specific advice.)
"But beware; fore it won't protect you for long." - should be "for"
"and there's nothing you can do to prevent it
- would be more consistent with the voice if you said "there is.."
The room was pitched black. - pitch black
"No. You can't." said Adrian bluntly.
- "No. You can't," said Adrian bluntly. (Comma goes before the second quotation mark if followed by a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag is: he said, she said, said he, etc.)
Again, the story was good. You've got a great storytelling sense, and that's much harder to learn than the nitty-gritty grammatical stuff.
| xSayomix 10/1/10 . chapter 1
Oh this is very promising! I cannot wait to read more! (: