|Reviews for Dolores|
| Lord Slayer 10/4/10 . chapter 1
Cake...tree... I want one of those!
First, things I caught, plus one comment:
"You did not see the girl in white, have you?"
- Tense confusion with "have." I think you meant "did."
"I was sacred though—who would not be, faced with how the girl in white's eyes looked?"
- "Scared," not "sacred."
"I slipped out and weaved my through the celebrating masses."
- This sentence just feels a little off to me. I you disagree on that point then you can just ignore this, but there are a couple of different things you could do here. One is to add a comma after "out," delete the "and," and change "weaved" to "weaving." Another way to do it would be to change "weaved" to "wove," while a third would be change "weaved" to "and began to weave."
"We began to dance a waltz, her leading."
- Not really liking "her leading." Maybe something like "She lead," as a seperate sentence or something. Again, the choice lies with you.
"We all thought you had died. Fallen into the treacle and drowned."
- lol, quite an original, if sucky, way to go.
"Dolores smiled chillingly at me."
- "Dolores gave me a chilling smile," or something similiar would be my suggestion. The use of "chillingly," just doesn't seem to work well here for me.
"Dolores stared at with those terrible, dreamless eyes for a moment, then she softened."
- I think you forgot a "me" between "at," and "with." Also, I'd consider changing the end. It just feels a little...weird.
Now that I'm done tearing your work apart, I'd just like to say that this story had a very Lovecraft-meets-Bradbury-meets-Carrol vibe that I loved. On the surface it seems like a whimsical utopia of sorts, but beneath it all they're just willing slaves. Little girls stolen away from their parents? Those who don't comply are turned into troll-like servants? That's not at all fishy...
On another note, could it be that Dolores has yet to relize that one does not have to completely discard one's dreams as one grows older? I wonder about that, as that might have made a more compelling argument. True, it probably wouldn't have made any difference in terms of convincing Charlotte to come along, but the seed of doubt in her mind would have been stronger.
Viva la Revolucion!
Ahem, anyway, another well-written piece. Maybe someday you can come back and write some more on this strange world. It's quite compelling actually.
P.S. Well done on the letter-style 1st person, by the way.
| Rahkshi500 10/2/10 . chapter 1
You were right about readers becoming as confused as Charlotte; I was just as confused for half of the time, therefore having trouble following along with it, but I caught on quick enough. I can understand why you don't like to write from a first-person perspective, but I think you should be praised for doing it anyway.
The setting is both charming and uneasy at the same time, as if we're in the middle of an ideal dream only to slowly descend into a nightmare, to wish it was over but also not because you'll be back to reality the moment you wake up. I think you pulled that off well with the characters. Good job.
| Temjin747 10/2/10 . chapter 1
Wow, that was disturbing and saddening yet somewhat comforting at the same time. I wonder why I get those conflicting feelings.
Anyhow, good job once more. Characters were molded nicely in a oneshot that seems to be shorter than your others and the details of the encounter with Dolores seemed to almost be surreal. It's not enough to give me nightmares, but it's still good nevertheless.
I look forward to whatever else you can come up. Great job, Ra.
| CrazyNinjaPenguin 10/2/10 . chapter 1
I want a cake tree!
But yes, this was pretty cool. Lolis are cute.
From a writing perspective, I think you handled the first person, which I was surprised to see at first, very well. It felt rather natural and I think you succeeded in finding a definite voice with Charlotte.
As for the setting, It was well constructed and was unsettling, even if it was still rather charming to me most of the time.
So yeah, this was successful piece. Good work.