|Reviews for The World in Play: Chapter 7: Keepsakes|
| Lynn K. Hollander 7/18/11 . chapter 4
The bibliography for this story includes _Hidden Meanings in Chinese Art_, by Terese Tse Bartholomew; Asian Art Museum of San Francisco, 2006.
More about jade maidens can be found 'The Natural History of the Yunu'.
| LKH 4/25/11 . chapter 1
I have always felt contemporary fantasy needs some minor realistic touches. The Highlander series had the Immortal McCloud adopting himself every 40-50 years, to avoid blowing his cover as a simple human. Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire series has police departments with special sunproof cells for vampires. After September 11, I think it became harder for non-humans to pass unnoticed in American society. That said, I think there are always ways around scrutiny and security. It just takes a little more effort.
A run-on sentence is not just a long sentence. It must contain two or more MAIN clauses joined together without an appropriate conjunction and/or mark of punctuation between them. "Harrington you must be joking the woman is an absolute idiot" is a run-on sentence, as is "She gave him back look for look the two dogs created a diversion by lunging at each other's throats".
"Taz walked BETWEEN two double-parked cars, AROUND another limousine sporting CD plates that was parked in the no parking zone, ACROSS the small patch of sidewalk being kept clear of protesters by police, and UP the shallow steps BETWEEN monumental incense burners tended by Museum docents and watched by SFFD members" is a sentence with a series of prepositional phrases, set off by commas, that all modify 'walked'. It is long, I admit, but it is not run-on. The single main clause is "Taz walked"; everything else is a subordinate clause.
| MineBear 4/16/11 . chapter 1
You have a very intriguing story here. I like the little details you include about the dragons and how they fit in the modern world (such as the acknowledgement of "human science").
There are a few run on sentences such as, "Taz walked between two double-parked cars, around another limousine sporting CD plates that was parked in the no parking zone, across the small patch of sidewalk being kept clear of protesters by police, and up the shallow steps between monumental incense burners tended by Museum docents and watched by SFFD members."
Perhaps break it up into, "Taz walked between two double-parked cars and around a limousine sporting CD plates that was parked in the no parking zone. Then, he smoothly crossed the small patch of sidewalk (being kept clear of protesters by the police) and up the shallow steps between monumental incense burners tended by Museum docents and watched by SFFD members."
That way you can have two even sentences with 20-30 words each instead of 50 words in one sentence, but that is absolutely up to you.
Other than that I like the detail you put into your story and I'm really interested where you will go with this story!