|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| CieloRayn 8/8/12 . chapter 6
Lol great chapter. I like your character development, and I have come to the conclusion that Grace is a demon lol.
| findings 8/7/12 . chapter 41
Zeph is going to have a hard time believing them, but it's for the better that he will now know. Celeste's and Caelum's relationship is complicated at the very least. The romantic parts between Jenna and Eidan are very well written because it goes slow as they talk and then...kiss :)
Update soon please, don't keep everyone waiting too long!
| darkworld777 8/7/12 . chapter 2
The story is very well detailed and the world it's placed in is very traditional for medieval epics. I especially like the character of Jenna as she's very independent, which you don't usually see from most royal characters. I also like the possible romance between Eidan and Jenna, so I have some something to look forward to there. Anyway, it's really good and I hope you continue!
| CieloRayn 8/6/12 . chapter 5
I love how the plot is starting to kick off P jenna and lucan are light and grace and eidan are darkness. There is going to be a forbidden romance! I can see it! P lol Great chapter can't wait to read more ).
| CieloRayn 8/6/12 . chapter 4
Yet again another great chapter ) I can't wait to read more since there is a lot more chapters to read so I won't have to wait P. I still love your foreshadowing in italics.
| CieloRayn 8/6/12 . chapter 3
I loved this chapter ) changing point of views makes everything more interesting P. I like your description of the girl, which makes me think if he thought the girl was beautifukl and she looked like jenna except for the hair then he thinks jenna is beautiful lol P. I love romances hehe ). Also I have speculations in this chapter the italics are foreshadowing of the red haired girl P also I think she is either a vampire or demon because both are nocturnal beings P.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 8/5/12 . chapter 11
Ok, there. At the risk of sounding like an obsessive SOB, allow me to say that crossbows are actually far deadlier than longbows due to a longer range and better penetration. But longbows are arguably easier to use because of the firing rate. For crossbows, you need to aim and you need far longer time to prepare the shot due to loading the bolts.
Now on this chapter, I suspect why you're not too happy with this is because you might be getting too harsh on yourself. Maybe it's because of Lucan. I don't know, seriously. For me, I'll have to say that it's a far better chapter than whatever you've written so far. At the very least I can see Lucan's character shine. :)
Which now comes to my brief take on Lacie. And whatever family politics going on here. How it seems that whatever had transpired between now and post-petrification had changed Lacie profoundly. I don't have a deep impression of her character, but I don't see her as an extremist you're implying her out to be now. Given her enthusiasm, it seems that she actually wanted something out of the entire tragedy back during the Alexandria petrification. It seems like some kind of revenge agenda on the cards, but that's just me I guess.
Family politics wise, it seems that Lucan's end might have conducted an alliance with the Earth Kingdom. Given what Lucan had known about the other party, it seems that either the potential ricks were way too dire or that somehow or another, his family wasn't that saintly. Given that little catch you've done on his mother calling off the search for Jenna after two days, it seems far towards the latter.
Now onto Lucan. Amazingly enough, despite the possibility that he might be Eidan's anti-thesis, they might be far more alike than we'd like to see them out to be. Simply put, the anti-thesis theory might merely be something within an existential basis. Character wise, I do see them as a similiarity. And it's not just about Jenna. The tendency to detest outright harm is also there. That apart from Jenna, such a logic is actually far more wide-reaching for them both. :)
And interestingly enough, the final poetry might be a measure on how Eidan and Lucan are not meant to be. Existence wise of course. ;)
- From the RH. :)
| Deranged Dairy Products 8/4/12 . chapter 2
The interactions between Jenna and Eidan were cute, though I'm not sure how I feel about the opening exchange. The stubborn princess going against the desires of her parents is a well-used convention, so unless it gets turned on its head in some way, you might want to consider another approach. I enjoyed a number of descriptions throughout, especially the mangled fork and the appearances of the characters, and I think you could afford to splash more of it around. Another thing I would recommend is looking for straight-forward sentences and seeing if you could transform them into something that means the same and gets the same message across, but utilises colourful, descriptive language. Think of the second paragraph of your first chapter, and see if you can apply the same style to other parts of your story.
I shall now don my editing-pants:
"NO, I AM NOT OKAY!" - there's nothing technically wrong with capitalising for higher volume, but you should trust your audience to hear the loudness of the yell through just an exclamation mark. You do see a lot of people capitalising their shouts nowadays, though I just think it looks a little...unprofessional. J.K. Rowling is to blame, really.
'her parents did nothing but look at each other's faces and sigh' - you could probably cut out the 'faces' here.
'It was obvious what was fabricating through their minds right now' - to fabricate means to come up with something purposely false, so I'm not sure if it's the word you want to employ here.
'but she blamed it on the fact that the dining room was huge' - perhaps you could give us some details about the room, the style of people's clothes, etc. Information like this helps establish the time period (or period of time on which the world is based) as well as the culture to which the characters belong.
'By the Gods, she was hungry' - if we're talking many gods, then it shouldn't be capitalised.
'"I suppose I should..." she smiled back, rubbing her tired eyes' - her exhausted state just seems to appear a little too suddenly. Perhaps you could give a few lead up hints to her state of tiredness.
I liked the inclusion of Jenna's fear of the dark. It's small little additions like this that help make for well-rounded characters. Cheers for the read.
| Deranged Dairy Products 8/4/12 . chapter 1
This opening scenario does a number of things well: it earns the reader's attention quickly (as most 'about to die' situations do), it introduces the personality of the character's nicely, and it has the reader asking many questions in regards to what this fantasy realm is and what past these two have shared. I liked the ambiguity of the ending and the surrounding townsfolk. One thing I noticed was some inconsistency between the second paragraph and the rest of the chapter. While it's nice to start things off with some descriptive writing, you also have to be mindful that a precedent has been set, and it just seems like the remainder of the chapter was a little bare when compared to the opening, which was heavy with metaphors and pathetic fallacy. I would suggest either cutting down a bit at the start, or sprinkling similar imagery throughout. The latter would probably be more effective.
Some other things I noticed:
'They had their backs to each other, bound to a wooden pole between them. Constricting ropes secured them onto the splintered pole' - I think you could combine this information. Perhaps "They had their backs to each other, bound by constricting ropes to a wooden pole between them". Splintered means to be broken into pieces, so maybe you could use another word, though I guess the amount of splinters the pole has isn't really necessary to understanding the story.
'Despite being in a horrid position right now' - I think you could afford to use something more impactful than 'horrid'. It seems like a bit of an understatement when you're about to be put to death.
'This was the problem with her friend. He was often too easily annoyed and the slightest words could turn his mood the other way around. Right now, she could almost imagine his pale eyes practically sending daggers at whatever he was staring at' - it just strikes me as odd that he would act so snidely when he's about to die. Even if it's one of his more prominent no one wants to spend their last minutes engaging in pointless debate. I always like characters like this, though perhaps you could introduce this particular trait through some other means. Of course, it could just be me who's thinking this. Take my advice with a clump of pepper.
'They fell into silence after that, each of them lost in their own thoughts' - what were they thinking about? This could be a good opportunity to allow us into the head-space of the characters.
'She didn't want to die' - I like the repetition here. Really hammers home the point. I would suggest even repeating it a few more times for effect.
There were some issues with punctuation (nothing that held up the story), but I'm not the sort to point out tiny things like that unless the author specifically says they want to hear it. All in all, good opening.
| ohsocyanide 8/4/12 . chapter 3
I'm thinking that the letters in italics are probably things - or people maybe, I dunno - from Eidan's past or whatever, and they want him to remember.
I'm hesitant to call him a vampire, but the pale skin and the effects of the sun - could that be it? The mystery of his past is interesting, too. I'm looking forward to seeing how that pans out.
| levisama 8/4/12 . chapter 38
THIS WAS SO CUTE. I'm so glad Jenna and Eidan are becoming closer now! I really love how their relationship is slow. It's the 38th chapter and they're only beginning to confess their feelings for each other. It makes everything so much sweeter and realistic because not all romances are quick and easy like in some stories.
Zeph and Eidan were funny in this chapter too. I hope they get more moments together in the future because it'll be cool to see them become friends. I think Eidan needs more friends rather than just having Jenna for his only friend.
| levisama 8/4/12 . chapter 37
It's been a while since I've read and reviewed this story so expect a few reviews from me in the next couple of days! :)
This chapter was so emotional and I really loved how you wrote Jenna's character. If you compare her from the first chapter of this story and to now, she really has developed a lot as a character and I'm really glad for that. The development has been slow but you've done a good job of making it very realistic. I'm growing really attached to these characters because you write them so well and yes I did nearly cry at this chapter!
| ohsocyanide 8/4/12 . chapter 2
Hiii! I actually read this chapter whilst waiting for my packages to arrive in the mail - lucky for me, it ended just as the mail truck pulled up! Yay! :)
So, I already really want Jenna and Eidan to be together. Like, I want him to have made her a ring. I want him to propose and then they can run away together and be happier than anything in the world. Also, I really like the spelling of Eidan that you used. It's like Aiden. . . but with the "a" and "e" switched around. *dazzled*
All I really want to do is gush about Eidan, because he comes off as being so cool and adorable and it's such a painfully obvious "just friends" setup. I can sense the distance between the two. It's grown as they have, and I feel like royal obligations and the fact that he's never going to be good enough for her probably set Eidan off.
I really liked this! :)
| Writing In Ink Forever 8/4/12 . chapter 41
Wow. That was awkward. xD
Poor Jenna. She never has the best plans, now does she?
Poor Zeph. Though, I should probably say poor Jenna, Eidan, and Mana. They have to repeat something that they've heard over and over again.
| Winter Blaze 8/4/12 . chapter 1
This may just be the beginning, but I love your imagery. A lot of people overdo it, but yours works very well. I also think the way that you depict your two characters is excellent - the reader doesn't get so much as a name, but the personalities just shine through.
Honestly, I can't think of single thing I don't like about this. Good job - that's extremely rare for me.