|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Vivace.Assai 6/3/12 . chapter 37
I’m back and ready to start reviewing again!
So normally I write the review as I go along. Thus, you get a play by play of my emotions and thoughts as I read as the chapter. However, this chapter was too intense that I just read it straight through without any pause (except to get food… since I like food). And normally I’m in an excited state while reading the chapter. However, this chapter was too mellow and depressing for that to happen. Plus, testing has drained an extensive amount of energy from me (by the way, hope the GCSE exams went okay for you). Anyways, this was basically a long-winded explanation to say: this review is going to suck…
I find that this chapter was rather emotional and I loved it for that. You really delved into Jenna’s emotions really well. From the beginning, you developed Jenna’s shock and denial at what she is about to do. This then gives great set-up for the breakdown she has later on in the chapter. And I liked how you showed her foreboding: [Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud, her body shaking almost instantly] – a great way to say how terrified she was considering the actions are normally assumed ones when someone is freaking out.
Furthermore, I loved how Jenna’s character developed and grew so much in this one chapter. Her realization at how spoilt she was and her understanding how much her parents loved her – all of this are key developments. As she stared at her parents and cried telling them sorry and thank you, I seriously felt like crying. For all that Jenna did in the first few chapters (i.e.: being irritating), she has really grown from her travels and sufferings. She is starting to understand her place in the world better and she’s becoming more than a reluctant princess – she is becoming a committed individual, ready to take action and make a difference in the world. And I love this chapter for that development since it adds more “colors” into Jenna’s character and makes her truly real. She makes mistakes but she learns from them and that’s the point most people want their characters (and themselves) to reach. So great job with Jenna’s development! :)
I really like how you delved into Mana’s character, too. Thinking about it, I don’t really know much about her on a more serious level (I know enough about how she feuds with Zeph). But it was nice to see her and actually see her as a character not bound by her god’s past. She doesn’t want Ophelia to rule her life and I find that great to see in a character – it shows endurance and resilience. Furthermore, this makes her relationship with Jenna and Eidan a lot less complicated. Furthermore, hearing about all that Ophelia’s reincarnations have suffered lets me see how horrid this curse.
And that discussion between Jenna and Gwen! Wow! I really love how each of the characters have their own point and it was a pretty tense conversation, too. I could see both of their tempers flaring up and I could also see Jenna’s realization about Gwen. I do pity Gwen in a way but she also scares me, too, with how sadistic she is. I’m curious to learn more about Morgan and her. If not in this story then hopefully in the sequel you’re planning. *cough*hint*cough*hint* ;D
But that last statement… wonder how Ethel is going to prove emotions to be a downfall (though I really do disagree with that last statement by Ethel – I’m shouting at her: HAVE YOU READ “THE GIVER”? By the way, if you haven’t read “The Giver” yet, you should – it’s amazing and insightful yet it’s supposed to be for children).
Thanks for the great read!
P.S.: FictionPress has made massive changes on its formatting and capabilities as you may know (covers for stories might be possible in the future)... And I noticed it basically ruined all your formatting with the chapter titles...
| Animel 6/1/12 . chapter 1
Dear goodness I hope that is not the genuine end.
Okay, I always try to include a constructive criticism or at least an edit so that the review is helpful, but I'm sorry-you've stumped me.
I love this, I love this, I love this. I wish I wrote it. It's so packed with emotion and I find myself caring about the characters so deeply after one little chapter. You give just enough of everything without overdoing it-setting, background, etc. is all done subtly yet effectively. There's sufficient to understand exactly what's going on without anything being heavy-handed or obvious.
Like I said, I'm sorry this review can't be helpful, but when I read the opening chapter of something and know I'll be captivated until the end and am practically in tears from the raw emotion without even knowing the history, a story is beyond my help.
You had better keep writing. Or I'll track you down. :P I guess I have a lot of chapters to keep me busy for a bit, though.
| xRayne wolfx 5/27/12 . chapter 7
I really liked your descriptions and the mystery tone you gave out at the beginning and the end. It was really great fantasy undertones with the chapter. And your characters are slowly growing in my head so I'm really enjoying them. :) nice job
| Some Purple Ink 5/27/12 . chapter 12
[but even from the short distance; she could see he harboured many scars]
The semicolon is incorrect here. No punctuation is necessary but you could use a comma if you wanted.
[all of them brandishing the colours of the Air Kingdom. Cream and brown.]
A semicolon would work better than the period after 'Air Kingdom' here, I think.
[praying to the Gods above that that door was indestructible.]
'That' is repeated here and causes a little confusion. It's also a little clunky. Consider changing one of the thats to 'the'.
[the boy finished his sentence lamely]
This need to be capitalised because it is not a speaker tag.
[Without looking back, he sheathed his sword back in place]
This part feels redundant. Putting the sword in its sheath is putting in back in place. Consider removing ' back in place'.
I love the action in this chapter and the descriptions were great. I could very easily picture them in an airship before you even explained that's where they were. I imagined it to be similar to the inside of a train but louder.
The action was great. I liked the short fight with the large man. It felt hectic. I like how Jenna acted, it seemed to fit with her character.
There are definitely plenty of questions raised in this chapter and I liked that too. Who is Zeph? Why was the large man after him? What does he need with Jenna? How did Jenna get from the town to here? Really a lot of interesting and exciting things happening. Can't wait for more. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/22/12 . chapter 11
[For most people, the first thing you would notice]
The 'you' doesn't fit here, since it's directly addressing the reader. Consider changing it to 'they' so it matches 'people'.
[Many books lay on the shelves, each one neatly standing on its place.]
The first clause contradicts the second. They can't be laying if they're standing.
[They both sat down on the large dining table]
Were they sitting 'on' the table or 'at' the table? From the context, 'at' would make more sense.
[From behind the white lace that enveloped around her]
It feels redundant to have 'enveloped around' because they carry the same idea. You could remove 'around' to improve it.
[It wasn't his problem and therefore he refused to think no more of it.]
This means the opposite of your intention. As it stands now, he refuses to not think of it, meaning he wants to think about it. You could change the 'no' to 'any' or remove 'no more' or change 'refused' to 'decided'.
And we finally get to see Lucan and Lacie again. I liked this chapter for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you left an exciting scene with Jenna and Eidan and switch to this, making the reader more anxious and curious about them. Based on the last chapter, we know four more days have passed since 'the event' so that makes things even more exciting.
I also like how we can a glimpse inside Lucan's head. There's definitely something there between him and Jenna but it's unclear exactly what that is. Lucan is obviously willing to risk a lot to find out if she's safe. We also get a glimpse of Lacie too. She's definitely someone who doesn't want to talk about the curse and things. She seems to want to pretend it didn't happen.
Another thing I liked was the machine arrows. I thought that was a neat idea. I can see them playing a certain role in the future.
The only real issue I have is that Lucan has to risk death to leave. Why can't he simply walk out of the palace? He's the prince, shouldn't he be allowed? Is he trying to sneak out? Why not change clothes and sneak out the "backdoor" then? I felt like the ending part was a little rushed or under-explained.
Overall, a good chapter. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/20/12 . chapter 10
[If she happened to see a commoner walking in the streets, their faces would tell her]
I feel like saying 'their face' would flow better and make more sense since you're only talking about one commoner.
[Jenna sighed, pulling the dull curtains close.]
Typo here. Should be 'closed'.
[a table, a window, a (rather small and cramped) bathroom, a toilet and a bed]
The specific mention of a toilet is unnecessary because you've already mentioned the room has a bathroom attached. Consider removing the mention of the toilet.
Ack! Again with the exciting ending. Even though the story is well under way, I'll answer your questions anyway.
1. I thought the first part had a decent pace. It really helped set up the characters and situation. It established them enough so they're actions towards the end made sense, even when they were surprising. There were a few things that could have been fleshed out a little more but there's still time for that.
2. I have no predictions for the future.
3. I guess my favourite character so far is Grace. She's mysterious. She has a decent background and feels real. She's developed enough to understand her past with Eidan and what most of her motives so far have been. Then again, it's unclear why she would kill the King or what her role is, exactly.
4. Least favourite character has been Lacie. She comes across as selfish and isn't as developed as the other characters so far. Of course it's still early in the story so it could all change but as it is now, she's a weak character compared to some of the other ones.
5. Eidan is better because he's more developed. We haven't really had a chance to see things from Lucan's perspective, although it seems like there's more to him than meets the eye. There's been hints of his personality and he seems a lot like Eidan in some respects.
Anyway, I like the way things are progressing. This is definitely a good chapter. I like the constant struggle Eidan going through. I thought you portrayed that very well. I also like that he still maintains some amount of control, even if it is difficult. Looking forward to more. [:
| RavenArchangel 5/20/12 . chapter 24
I didn't understand why Jenna was so mean to Eidan. Got to wonder if its mind control or brainwashing or something. However I liked the scene with Mana and Zeph. It was really well written and I felt for them lol
I guess one can tell this wasn't planned..because I didn't get it why Jenna was mean O_o then again its been awhile since I've read this, so yeah. (btw: y u no review my newest chapters? :p)
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/19/12 . chapter 24
I really like Mana. She seems like a good character to read about, and she and Zeph suit each other, I think. Poor Zeph! Can't he just have a moment of happiness? :( Personally, I think it was a great reuninting scene, and you get a real sense of their relationship through it, so great job with that.
And Eidan! How could you do that to him! Saying that...yeah, okay, it was written really well and I loved how, afterwards, Jenna isn't really sure what she's done, what's really going on - it's an interesting way to do it, and one I think will cause her some trauma later on. Overall, just really good stuff - still throughly enjoying reading this so will be back soon to read the next chapter.
| Some Purple Ink 5/18/12 . chapter 9
[That is was too dangerous?]
Typo here. Should be 'that it was too dangerous'.
[It took a while for Eidan to regain his consciousness back]
There's a redundancy here. You don't need the 'back' because you already have 'regain'. You could say 'gain his consciousness back' or simply remove the 'back' and keep it 'regain'.
Even though this chapter felt short, it was important. I think a lot happened in such a small amount of time. It was definitely an unexpected twist for Jenna to be Celeste (or is she really?). At the same time, it fits so naturally. This whole curse business is really intriguing too.
I like the character progression of Eidan here. He's definitely taken a step into a deeper relationship with Jenna. I was surprised he was able to take control of his body from Caelum but, again, it still felt natural. I think the consistency comes from the 'slow' build up through the first half dozen or so chapters.
Definitely an exciting chapter. I'm interested to hear more about the curse. I especially can't wait to see what's going on. Where is Grace now? Where are Lucan and Lacie? Why did everything change in the palace? What was the purpose of killing the King? And so on. This really is an exciting story. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/17/12 . chapter 8
[Rolling her eyes, she slammed the door close and walked along the corridors]
Typo here. Should be 'slammed the door closed'.
Wow! I was literally on the edge of my seat through most of this chapter. It was so exciting. So much happened in such a small amount of time. So many questions have risen. Definitely a lot of things happening at once that seem separate at first but will probably tie together somehow.
There's a lot of surprising things happening, like Grace killing the King and Lacie's 'ability'. I have to wonder how she and Lucan play into things. I'm left wondering how they'll come back into story. It's pretty clear they know something about Caelum.
I loved the action. It felt real and intense. There's also a great sense of mystery, like why did everyone become like statues? This was an excellent chapter, so intense. Very well written too. Can't wait to read more! [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/17/12 . chapter 7
Sheesh, you're good at leaving chapters off at just the right place. The bit with Eidan regaining his memory is an exciting twist, especially because Grace is able to give it back. There's definitely a sense that things are going to pick up in terms of pace now.
I like how Lucan's character is getting fleshed out now too. There are some interesting things happening like with his sister. I suspect that'll play an important role in the future. Or maybe not. Have to read more and see.
The ending section with Caelum adds new depth. It seems he is the one Grace was talking about. The imagery was especially nice in the last bit. Overall this was a very very well written chapter. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/17/12 . chapter 6
[only to find that she couldn't obviously see him from her position]
Would flow more naturally as 'she obviously couldn't see him'.
[he saw that Jenna had bitten her lip, muffling out any muffles of melodramatic pain]
It's a bit repetitious here; muffling and muffles are only three words apart. Consider rewording.
["You better do."]
Even for dialogue this doesn't sound right. Perhaps omit the 'do'?
Dun dun dun! Ha. This was another good chapter. Even though there's not much action, there's plenty of plot. I like the character development in this chapter, especially the interaction between Eidan and Jenna. I also love Jenna's character. She is amusing.
I love the imagery you. Things like 'Her hair trailed down to her waist in untamed waves of bright gold, like the drunken rays of the sun, or a drizzling waterfall of honey.' are simply fantastic. It's so easy to picture.
The change in Grace's appearance is intriguing. I love the ending of this chapter. It leaves the reader wanting to read more, which is great. I love "page-turners." I've got to admit I'm surprised Grace and Jenna meet so early. I thought they weren't going to meet for a while. So that was a nice turn. This was a very well written chapter. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/16/12 . chapter 5
[Eidan's furrowed his eyebrows and averted his gaze away.]
The "away" is unnecessary here because averted already means that. It's redundant to have both.
[so why did it feel like he had known his entire life?]
[He returned his gaze back to her]
Same thing as before. Return and back mean the same thing in this context so it's unnecessary to have both. I would just remove "back".
[Eidan looked at her weirdly. "It's an animal."]
Weirdly is a weak word. I would use something like strangely.
[His expression told her that this was something that he obviously didn't want to tell her, but that only made her more eager to know.]
The word "that" appears three times in one sentence here. Things can get bogged down by repetition like this and it interrupts the flow. Consider removing unnecessary thats or rewording.
[And besides, what would he gain from creating such a strange story up?]
"Up" feels out of place here. It's unnecessary.
Now this was an interesting chapter. Definitely a lot of plot lurking in the background. I love the parallels throughout. I especially liked the continuation of the dark/light theme, starting with light and ending with dark. I feel like there were several hints about things but I'll keep my speculations to myself. The hook with Eidan and Lucan suddenly not having their respective ailments is an interesting turn of events and a great hook to grab the reader. Definitely leaves a feeling of wanting to know more. This was a great chapter. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/15/12 . chapter 4
["It's nothing, princess." He grumbled, squinting at the curtains.]
Improper punctuation here. 'He grumbled' is a speaker tag. Change the period to a comma and de-capitalise (is that even a word?) the 'he'.
[The only thing that he could think of saying was "Oh."]
Missing the comma after was.
Mm, this was another intriguing chapter. You're doing well to build things up. Without leaving a real cliffhanger, this chapter definitely leaves the feeling of wanting to read more right away. I call that success. Again, the imagery is great. Everything is very colourful, I suspect that's intentional.
With the introduction of Lucan, my suspicions seemed to be confirmed from the last chapter. It seems there's a 'light kingdom' and a 'dark kingdom' and each person in the kingdom has a counterpart in the other. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. At any rate, very well written. [:
| Some Purple Ink 5/15/12 . chapter 3
[the chair that Jenna broke once and he had to fix it.]
The 'it' here is unnecessary. It feels out of place. The sentence will still make sense if you remove 'it'.
[it was empty and all he could just about remember was his name and age.]
'all he could just about remember' doesn't flow very well. Rewording it would improve it.
[he felt more at ease here rather than the extravagant corridors of the palace.]
Feels like an 'in' is missing here between 'than' and 'the'.
[He shook his head, running a hand through his limp hair.]
'limp' doesn't feel right here. Consider using another adjective.
I love the imagery in this chapter. Great descriptions throughout. I like how you made the night feel alive with things like "The sky was swimming in darkness".
The introduction of the mysterious girl was intriguing, especially because of the parallels to Jenna. Definitely adds a new depth to the story. The ending was fantastic. I really liked how you wrote Eidan awake then asleep then awake again without any apparent break in the flow of the story. Very well done.
I look forward to reading more. [: