|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| DutchAver 4/29/12 . chapter 36
Oh my god. The part where Jenna thought about Eidan and Zeph getting married cracked me up: partially because of the image it conjures up in my mind, and partially because this is actually an inside-joke only a few writers will ever understand xD
I'm wondering about Mana's motives, why she helps them. Is it because she has a voice stuck in her head too? Because she just wants the stupid curse, that affects her too, to end as well?
I like Jenna a bit, and her childishness. In this chapter, she was kind of funny. She bears the thought of almost certain death quite lightly, I'm actually quite impressed. It shows me some level of maturity I'm not used of her.
I'm just going to put it bluntly now. Who the hell is Morgan? He must be some incredibly important character in the sequel of Penumbrae, the one you're still planning to write. I like how you already put a nod to him in here now, then. Or is he going to travel with the gang later on?
I really wonder how Morgan's going to slow the curse down, and how Jenna's going back. I wonder how Jenna's staff will respond to her returning... and then, she'll have to announce that she's leaving almost immediately. Also, how will Eidan be in the Dark Kingdom?
Great chapter! Keep writing, you're doing an awesome job! Discovered one mistake:
' "Your welcome, but I didn't do it for you. ' The classical your-you're mistake.
(P.S. I'm sorry if I'm talking nonsense somewhere in this review... it's almost 2 AM here now xD)
| OneOriginalThing 4/29/12 . chapter 36
I loved it, and I am so totally fan girling over Morgan right now. I love little kids but geez does he have to be that cold to everyone around him? As always great chapter loved zeph in this one. He has no friend's! Hahahaha he is simply adorable! Can't wait for the next chapter!
| bleachedsnow 4/19/12 . chapter 35
The curse is complex alright, but it's understandable if you think about it enough. I'm still shipping Mana and Zeph by the way :P
| Vivace.Assai 4/14/12 . chapter 35
You see this review? Yep, this review is me FINALLY catching up to your story. I'm so happy. It's taken me a long, LONG time (longer than most people I presume) but I've finally done it. We should really celebrate. I'll get the cake and decorations, and you can bring Jenna and the gang. It'll be a great party. Anyways, I'm probably diverting from the real purpose of this message which is to review the chapter. So, I'll get going now...
Oh... Ethel is short? She's shorter than most people? Is this like a statement about how short people can even have awesome powers and be pretty cool and mysterious? Because I'm short (okay, average for my ethnicity but short for Americans)... I'll just pretend this is what you're trying to say by having Ethel be short. ;)
I like how you've been characterizing Ethel though. You first have her in scenes with Lucan narrating. Thus, Lucan doesn't really know who Ethel is and doesn't have quite an opinion on her. This allows the readers to analyze Ethel's actions and then decide how they'd like to view her. It's given me a great initial idea of what Ethel is like but in this chapter, everything has become clearer since you allow Eidan to narrate and he already has opinions on her character. It's just better than telling me "Ethel isn't compassionate" from the offset, since you show me how she's not compassionate and then strike the idea in deeper with Eidan telling me that. I hope you understand what I just said because I'm not really sure if my words were exactly lucid.
[Eidan's pulse stopped.] Beautiful language. It isn't his heart that stopped - it's his pulse. It carries the exact same idea (though it does have more impact than the usual "his/her heart stopped") but it's fresher and hardly ever seen before. Your language is so unique and different than anything I have ever read. I absolutely love it.
I really am growing to start to love Grace. Probably more than Jenna. I'm sorry Jenna. You're still high in my list of favorite literary characters but you're now kind of behind of Grace. And Lucan. And Zeph. And Mana. And Ca-... I should stop this now since I think Jenna's suffered enough (but it's not like she'd have heard me anyways since she's not real...). As I was saying, I just have a preference for characters like Grace more since they are so much more interesting. Jenna can be easily read like a book (no pun intended... if I really made a pun...) but Grace is a lot more complicated and intriguing. At first, I absolutely hated her. She seemed to be uncaring and selfish. She probably still is but there's more to her than her initial appearance. She clearly does have a heart, and she's also clearly forced into a situation she wants no part in (just like all the other characters). She seems to be just going off of what her mother told her without ever really thinking about what humans are really like - she has a superiority complex without truly understanding. But she seems to be changing now.
Also... her scene with Lucan. Her comment while he taught her how to hold an arrow. I'm sorry... That was just hilarious. I feel so sad for Grace though I understand. Sometimes, things sound so much better in your mind then when you actually say it. But I do like her relationship development with Lucan. Those two are actually kind of cute together. I'm really going to ship Luce now. Fervently, too.
[For some reason, Ethel's face softened. All the mirth and the teasing and the bitterness vanished, replaced by a vulnerable look of… sadness? Guilt?] I remember how you once commented you wanted it to not be clear who was evil and good in this story. Well, you've done quite well. Though Ethel has slightly replaced Grace as the annoying sister (in that she's so mysterious and takes so much pleasure in Jenna's pain), you've managed to make her round. She is clearly not just an easily amused person... She also has some vulnerability and sadness within her. Furthermore, Ethel appears to be understanding of the other characters, more understanding than they would like to admit. And she clearly cares about Eidan a lot. So, she isn't completely cruel and sly. She is fueled by other desires and motivations. Her characterization is brilliant done.
OH MY CAELUM! OH MY CELESTE! I should have scene this coming. I really should have. But I didn't. Grace and Lucan have to die... *sniff sniff* NO! But they are becoming my favorite characters! Why are you so evil? I can't believe it. It makes sense though, and I have to admit that this curse you've concocted is brilliant and unbelievable. The gods are cruel. I can't believe they played that trick on the four gods involved causing such problems and torture... And that whole balance thing is genius. Your plot here is amazing my friend. I absolutely love it. There are so many twists and reveals - it is completely engrossing and exciting. This is one of the best plots that I've ever seen written before in any story. It's so different and EPIC. Yes, that is the right word.
But I'm right. A tragedy is amiss. People are going to die. Now, I'm wondering who are the two people in the prologue and what's even happening in the prologue. There are so many questions... Ugh... and now because I caught up, it's not going to be tomorrow or the day afterwards that I get the answers... I can't wait to see what happens next so please update soon?
Anyways, I should probably answer your questions:
1) This was a really nice part. Earth Kingdom is still my favorite but this part definitely furthered a lot of the overall story with the reveal concerning the curse and how to break it. This plot is slowly getting more exciting and bubbling, ready for an explosion. Yes, your story is a like a volcano, ready to unleash fiery lava at any moment. And so, this part wasn't that boring.
2) I like the romance between Jenna and Eidan. Romance tends to be more of a tertiary concern for me in stories but I liked how you handled the romance here. It was very realistic and not at all out of character.
3) The Water Kingdom? Well, it will definitely be different than the Water Kingdom I imagined (which is a utopia and similar to Atlantis). I see tons of water and there will probably be something wrong with the kingdom that will raise concern for the characters and cause more problems. I think Morgan will not be a simple kid - I don't think he'll be that helpful either. He will break the curse for awhile but he's probably going to be stepping on some of the characters' toes and be difficult.
4) Favorite moment? There are so many! But I'd have to say I loved all those scenes between Grace and Lucan. Those scenes are just too adorable. Yeah... I chose Luce scenes over Eidenna scenes... haha... Though the kiss scenes between those two were pretty hot. I guess. I don't know... Not that romantic of a person.
Overall, this was such a great chapter that is very fitting for this wonderful story. And I have achieved my goal of writing you a super-duper long review in celebration of my ability to now put this story (or rather you... since I have a feeling I'll be reading all of your stories in the future) on alert!
| thenutrunningthenuthouse 4/14/12 . chapter 35
Okay, your word count freaked me out, but I MUST read your fabulous story!
I like your little description of Ethel by Eidan in the beginning. It shows the subtle points in their relationship.
[The mirth, the amusement in her eyes as she watched him clutching Jenna's weakening body. Ethel, as twisted as it sounded, was enjoying this.] - creeepy
[It was another day in Marniolle and when she woke up, she was instantly spiked with a sudden feeling of irritation.] - hah! I can totally feel what Grace is feeling...it's funny think she's on some important mission.
[Oh, I apologise for not realising the difference between apart and apart."] - I'm surprised Grace hasn't killed anyone yet. Quite the bad mood she is in.
Ooh! Water Kingdom *avoids calling it Water Tribe*
HOLY ! Ethel is one homicidal bitch! Holy crap, that was so cool! I mean, I should've totally seen this coming, but poor Lucan (and Grace...kind of)!
1. This part of the story was a bit slower, but I didn't mind it. I particularly liked when Ethel took Lucan through the abyss.
2. Yes to romance! Felt totally natural! :D
3. I want Morgan to be really epic...hmm, you already have Zeph as the sarcastic character, but I wonder if he could have his own water-y brand of sarcasm. XD
4. The part where Lucan goes through the abyss.
| Vivace.Assai 4/13/12 . chapter 34
[but describing Eidan's eyes like gems didn't really sound manly...] I seriously smiled at that comment. The comment is so adorably Jenna...
["You're hot," he told her, his voice breathless and hoarse.] Great play on denotation right there. I loved how you used the two different definitions for the word "hot" to create two different responses. Slightly added to the humor peculiarly enough. Even though this situation is quite serious... :(
Oh Jenna. Jenna. Jenna. Why are you so confused? The whole entire world knows the truth about your feelings towards him. The whole entire world knows how much you two love each other. Why must you be so uncertain? You can love your best friend. And he loves you, too. - Though as a note, I do like how you're progressing their relationship. Even though they've kissed, I find it very realistic that there would still be doubt within Jenna towards her feelings with Eidan. And that there would be doubt in Eidan, too. So I find that Jenna's thoughts are perfectly reasonable and understandable.
Wait... Lucien mentioned public execution by burning... and that reminds me of how the two people died in the prologue. Is this foreshadowing or hinting towards the prologue later? Is this suggesting something? Oh, so many questions in my mind at the moment. This plot is getting more interesting by the second.
But anyways, I really like Lucan as a character. That's it. He's now my favorite character. Sorry Zeph. I like how he holds back his emotions and acts so calmly even though he is clearly distressed. Though he is clearly repressing his emotions, I also find him to have a lot of strength for this. And the fact he resisted the darkness showed how powerful he can be. And his interaction with Grace. I like him with Grace so much - the two are just so much more natural with each other than with Eidan or Jenna. And I don't know how everybody else feels about her but I'm starting to like Grace more - you're just characterizing her really well and showing more of her more "human" side and characteristics.
But as for Jenna... I can't believe this. She sees darkness in herself and is stabbing herself? Jenna is going beyond insane, seredemia... she's falling into oblivion... I'm so worried about her. You've really planned some cruel torture for your characters. This story is definitely a tragedy and it pains me so much. But I'm now wondering why suddenly Jenna is going insane? Is it because she's growing weaker against the curse? This is so bad. I'm so scared about the future.
This was a great chapter! It was so intense... Now, I'm so worried about what will happen next. You're too cruel! *cries to herself*
| Vivace.Assai 4/13/12 . chapter 33
Okay, sorry about not reviewing yesterday. I got caught up in other things. To make up for it, I shall review two chapters today.
That first part where Lucan was going through the abyss. There was just an ethereal sense to everything - I felt as if I too was wading through this unknown land of magic, wonderment, and darkness. Very nicely written. There were so many beautifully written words but here a few of my favorites: [The darkness felt like inky fingers scratching across his whole body], [misting endlessly over them], [Coughs ripped through his lips], and [Black spots danced across his eyes, and she was still smiling].
And then, this ethereal sense kept continuing throughout the whole chapter. The writing nicely conveys how Lucan feels so out of his depth - he is clearly surprised by everything happening around him but he's just following along with no thought in mind. He is mystified and floating through the events without truly registering what is happening. I also liked the reoccurring comparisons between Grace and Ethel as Jenna and Lacie (respectively). And also the mention of the swinging crucifixes. It just all added to how Lucan's perception was growing hazy and he only noticed a few things surrounding him. I really did like the atmosphere evoked in this first part with Lucan here - it was very nice and perfectly fit the situation.
Okay, that scene with Grace and Ethel was very interesting. I have so many questions now. Will the curse be broken? What will happen next? How will they break the curse? Why is Lucan important in breaking the curse? What did Ethel mean by Jenna is dying inside? However, I liked this scene the most because of the characterization done for Ethel. Now, it's very clear what type of person Ethel is. She's clearly one of those wise, intelligent beings who knows the most out of all the characters. At the same time, she can be cold and has bursts of behavior that is slightly insane and frightening. She's also not that sympathetic towards people - she can kill them without even blinking. She does have a fiery temper sometimes. I liked how Ethel's words and actions characterized her. It was nicely done.
Also... I realized something halfway through Lucan's later narration parts in this story. He's going insane. That's why the narration is so disjointed and not clear at all. I think you did well in reflecting the insanity edging into Lucan through the voice of the narration and the style. I do enjoy how your narration perfectly reflects the characters' thoughts and attitudes and circumstances - it just makes it feel as if the readers are taking a look into the characters' minds. This makes me more empathetic with the characters.
Overall, great chapter. You do torture your characters too much though. This sadism has to stop. It makes for great plot but it makes me so sad. Why oh why do I have a feeling this story will be a tragedy? *sniffles at the thought*
| RavenArchangel 4/13/12 . chapter 18
For some reason I always pictured Jenna as a brunette lol guess I'm odd that way. In any case, I'm reviewing multiple chapters at once to get progress faster.
Chapter 15 was awesome. Loved how the woman looks like Jenna but probably isn't. Loved that people are turning to stone in Air Kingdom..neat stuff. Has one at the edge of their seat..great chapter overall.
Chapter 16 is great, not much else to say. Loved it. Grace has always interested me. I never LIKED her, but she was always facinating.
Chapter 17 Writing this as I read it. Ah hell naw! Zeph better not be dead...nooooo. Bring him back? Bitchin'! How do we do it? sweet! Good Chapter definately worth the read. I liked it alot! Not too long in its present form at all!
Okay let's see here, since you have more specific questions, I'll make this when I post the review:
1. It had its up and downs. I liked the first part much better, but this part still had its excitement and I like all 3 of our protagonists, so mission accomplished if that's your goal :)
2. She'll be the Princess of Earth Kingdom or something (groans) seriously. Zeph being the Prince I didn't like. I think it would've been cooler and less cliche if that was someone else and Zeph was just an airship pilot/theif and nothing more. I liked that idea better honestly. But I don't think you should reverse that decision now or anything, since it goes with the story now I guess. It was odd that you made him the decendant of some Wind God now though..feels a tad wierd and cliche as well, sad to say. Still love the story overall though.
3. I really don't know for sure.
4. Eidan I think...but I'm honestly not sure. They are both highly likable. For now though, I'll go with Eidan.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 4/13/12 . chapter 10
Okay, I think I really owe you one review here. :) Firstly let me comment on Caelum's dialogue. Firstly I do see that you've done well on how he attempted to troll Eidan. But if there's anything to go by, I think you could have heightened his mockery. At the end of the day, I can only see him trolling in the matter-of-fact manner. Pretty much like I-told-you-so kind of attitude. Maybe you can try to make Caelum even more cynical in laughing at Eidan. Like making use of what might have happened back there in the palace. Eidan might/might not know the actual picture, but if Caelum managed to utilize the lives of others to hammer home the point of futility, Eidan will end up in a far more realistic struggle.
In fact I'm pretty much surprised that Lucan's presence was merely a one shot mention while nothing was said about Grace. To me, Caelum doesn't need to spill anything substantial here. Anything ranging from half-truths to outright lies can and will mess Eidan even further. For both Lucan and Grace to be sure.
Secondly, while I can give props to Eidan's inhumane fortitude to fighting back, I feel that you might have focused way too much on how he saw Caelum as an entity of denial rather than focusing on his ties with Jenna.
Or maybe let me phrase it this way: You're trying to use what we've known as the main weapon rather than creating a more in-depth take to heighten the impact behind the struggle. Is there any additional memories he could muster up in the process? Has he ever questioned why he had to endure all these due to his ties with Jenna? (Note that this can tie in with Caelum's trolling) What about Jenna's treatment towards him when it comes to how he's fighting against the trolling? Or perhaps he's already contemplating the worst case scenario (which has happened in the same chapter span anyway). Basically, this is the only issue I can nitpick here.
As for the first part, I don't feel that it moved slowly, but you might need to take notable care on how you do the showing rather than telling. The best case example will be how you describe the room layout towards the end. Maybe you can use "the room was a far cry to the luxury she's used to with cement walls muted in white and cobwebs being the very icing upon the surface. Everything within was merely a case of bare necessities no different from a commoner's abode." All you need is to create the skeleton and some flesh. Let the readers complete the rest as fiction is all about invoking the readers' imagination.
On predicting what will happen next, I think it's pretty redundant since you've already gone thirty plus chapters now lol.
Favorite character so far would still be Eidan since he's the character that's by far the most realistic and well-defined.
As for least favorite character, I guess it's Grace from an objective POV since I can only see her as a character driven by envy/jealousy/hate. If I want to be subjective, it's Jenna, but at least I do see some waking up on her side. Read: Signs of actual development.
As for whose better, I'll have to say Eidan for the same reason I've stated on his end. In fact I could have put Lucan as the answer to the question four if not for the fact that Grace at this point of time ended up having the highest potential value of impact.
P.S: My suggestion on the trolling end is very simple. Go Youtube and type Blazblue and Hazama as the keywords. You don't need to understand what's going on in reality. Just take serious note on how Hazama troll the characters. i.e the mocking nature of his tone and how he reacted to the rest of the cast. If you need any prior information on his character, just go to the BlazBlue wiki. :)
| Vernelley 4/12/12 . chapter 35
See, even Eidan and Grace think Ethel is a bit on the... psycho side. She really is quite sadistic. Not only does she seem amused by other people's suffering but she deliberately withholds information, for the most part, that could end the suffering.
I like how you wrote Grace's point of view; her outlook on life seems very bleak and hopeless, and it makes sense because she's aware she's only a clone. And her interaction with Lucan is interesting, tehe :3
I'm intrigued by this Morgan child, I wonder what he'll be like. I have no idea what his temporary cure would be though.
AHAH SEE I TOLD YOU EVERYONE WOULD HAVE TO DIE. MY SIXTH SENSE FOR TRAGEDY LOL. Okay seriously, I hope they can find a way around that, though I still have the feeling that at least a couple of them are going to end up dying... Though I don't suspect Ethel is one of them. Hmm.
Anyway, good job overall. Sorry to do a bit of a rush job with this review but I'm kind of in a hurry. Can't wait for next chapter :)
| trilby94 4/12/12 . chapter 35
ohhhh my good gracious this story is so good! I would honestly buy it if it was on the shelves - amazing! I read the whole thing today and I love the intricate plot and your complex, distnct characters...especially Zeph 3 He's my favorite :D
What a twist on the curse front :O I din't expect they'd have to KILL each other! I was just starting to like Grace as well! I honestly don't have any critcisms, this probably isn't constructive at all xD
As for the romance between Jenna an Eidan, I don't think it's out of character because you built it up so well, plus there's all the internal conflict.
So yes, I love this story and can't wait to see what happens next :D
| trilby94 4/12/12 . chapter 1
Oooh I can already tell this is going to be good xD I saw this at the Roadhouse forum and I'm very glad I did :)
The way you use langage is very beautiful, I thought the beginning descriptive lines especially so. I also like the way you start at such a gripping point - the reader can't help but read on! A solid start for both characters as well. SO yes, I am very much looking forward to reading more :)
| CieloRayn 4/11/12 . chapter 1
Great starts to a story ). It was very captivating from the very first sentence. I can already see your characters relationship even though I've only read the prologue.
| mingsquared 4/11/12 . chapter 35
Another excellent chapter. The curse is definitely cruel but it makes the story more exciting. I'm curious about the Grace and Lucen's fate, as well as their relationship (which, by the time, is interesting). Update soon.
Some technical mistakes I found.
[Did he think that just because she had never in her life [touched a touched] before] Yeah...lol
[How could he easily be so happy when she was there [in front of smiling, glaring at him] as if he had committed murder?] I don't get the part in brackets.
[Lacie turned to both of them, her eyes lingering on Grace [for longer than necessary.]] This part too.
[His nails dug into his plan as he clenched his [knuckles].] You mean fists or hands. You're fingers would have to bend backwards to clench knuckles.
[The balance [is] fulfilled and you [live] a beautiful life with Caelum's reincarnation – over and over and over again.] Tense error. Was and lived.
[ Each of Ophelia's reincarnations [is] given tremendous power to protect Aphyron.] Was.
[Throughout her lifetimes, she [has] to watch as the people she loved [are] tortured for her mistakes.] Had and were.
| Vivace.Assai 4/11/12 . chapter 32
So that's where Ethel went! I thought she would come to Eidan to explain things (which just goes to show my prediction skills) but instead, she's showed up at Lucan's prison cell! I'm excited though! Lucan is awesome and I can't wait to read more about him... Hopefully, he'll become a much bigger character than he has been in these last few chapters? But great way of conveying Lucan's thoughts here - you really showed how kind he was and how important Jenna is to him. He also has endurance too, since he's clearly been able to survive the Earth Kingdom's torture... somewhat...
[she heard Caelum smirk] Not to be skeptical but I'm curious... How do you hear somebody smirk?
Ah... Caelum is so angry. What is so interesting is how Celeste perceives Caelum... Her view of his personality is true but she seems to believe he only hates her for everything - for her mistake. But from Caelum's narration, we know he really loves her. I just think it's nice how your different character narrations have different thoughts and perceptions of the world - sometimes, the readers know more about what is going on than the characters themselves. And that is nice since it is certainly true that individual perception isn't as exact as a combined one. But anyways, the way you describe Jenna's, Eidan's, Celeste's, and Caelum's emotions were nicely done - you grasped it all in this scene just wonderfully. :D
OH MY CAELUM... They are not... They are not going... I can't believe this, Jenna and Eidan are leaning closer to each other. I might have a heart attack if what I think will happen does actually happen... or doesn't happen... And considering how I'm very old and unhealthy, this might actually happen... And they KISSED! *mind implodes in shock and glee* But great description of the kiss. I tend to be uncomfortable reading kissing scenes (being the unromantic and cold-hearted person I am - kind of strange, I'm writing a romance then, right?) because they kind of fall onto the uncomfortable side of things. And then, sometimes, people just write: "they kissed" - and that's it... and somehow, that is unsatisfying. But your description was perfect - enough information but not enough that the mind could still have a chance to imagine things. And while also, I love how you showed Jenna's emotions - it's clear she really wants to reach out to Eidan and the scene was beautifully written.
By the way: the curse is broken slightly with Jenna? And through love? Surprising... I wonder why...
Ah more Lucan time! Ethel's characterization is nice, though. You've shown what her personality is like. Clearly she's blunt and straight-forward - also she is pretty sure of herself and her abilities. At the same time, she is wiser than her age shows and she seems to know a lot of things...
Ah... this story is getting so interesting. I loved this chapter! It was a great read! I can't wait to see what shall happen in the next chapter! :D