|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| AnnieStoryTeller 11/30/10 . chapter 2
I like how you have flashed back to some months ago, to bring readers into the pulse of what is happening in the story at the moment.
I also liked the way you portray rebellious Jenna's character :) Typical of a Princess to want to marry for love, and not enter into a contracted marriage! :P
Eidan is wrong for her? :( Oh no...and here I was...well, actually the greatest romances are between the wrong people ;)
Good luck with the rest of story. Looks interesting :D
| AnnieStoryTeller 11/29/10 . chapter 1
FP's writers have just become better and better! :) I like how you used a haiku (is it?) for the start of your story..and then led readers onto the mysterious story of the boy and the girl. :D I was thoroughly impressed at how well planned your descriptions were, and nothing felt missing from the text. I like the dialogue between the two characters. It makes up aware of a few home truths without revealing too much. The perfect blend. I enjoyed reading the first chapter.
Gossip Forum :)
| Narq 11/28/10 . chapter 5
yes, I think the intercutting is necessary too.
It Eidan a vampire and Lucan a werewolf? But why don't they get affected anymore?
Also, Lucan seems to be a really nice guy.
I'm really interested in what will happen next.
Pleae update soon!
| Narq 11/28/10 . chapter 4
This IS getting really really really scaryily cool!
I think you're talking something major here!
I think Grace is this italics person.
Also, is Eidan a vampire or something?
| Narq 11/28/10 . chapter 3
I've got a feeling that the italics is from a person who isn't in the story yet. I think that that person is talking about Eidan. He's not human but he lives with them. He can't remember who/what he is.
This is a really really interestin piece and I forgot to review as a read. Hope you don't mind - but that also means that I didn't see anything too bad :P
| Narq 11/28/10 . chapter 2
I already see a resemblance between the italics part. There's the repetition of 'don't be afraid', and the idea of 'you don't remember'. Hm, intruging.
parents were looking at her
- potential for stronger verbs so this is more powerful.
Her mother looked like she wanted to strangle her.
- careful, you overuse the word "like" and also, I don't think this is appropriate. A mother would never want to strangle her unless you're hinting at an abusive relationship whic hobviously you're not.
Eidan to look at her with wide eyes, raising one eyebrow in confusion.
- the "in confusion" isn't need because because the audience will be confused so we identify with Eidan which means that "in confusion" is redundant (sort of) and the physical hints your giving of him alreayd shows his confusion anyways.
Just wondering, if the princess is to be married off, is appropriate that a blacksmith's apprientice goes visit her at bedtime, alone?
| Narq 11/28/10 . chapter 1
The poems/italics are really intruging (that being said I'm a sucker for them)
what does penumbrae mean?
No real critiques for this chapter. It's catchy, really.
| C. Tattiana H-H 11/26/10 . chapter 3
... and the chair that Jenna broke once and he had to fix it.
-Personal: This last bit is a bit odd. I would revise it to read, “and the chair Jenna once broke that he had to fix.”
And he didn't need that. The residents in the palace already doubted him more than he wished to.
-Edit: Remove “to” or change it to “they would”.
They had a reason to doubt him, but he wished that they would just accept the fact that he was like any average person in this kingdom.
-Edit: Remove the first “that”.
Any other normal person would see nothing but thick darkness – so why in the world could he see through it?
-Edit: “other normal” is... strange. Either say “Any other person” or “Any normal person” because “other normal” implies that he’s normal but up until now, you’ve led me to believe he’s not.
The sky was swimming in darkness, dotted with little specks of diamond-like stars that glittered.
-Edit: I would revise “The sky” to read” It” since in the previous sentence, you say “the sky” and I believe readers will still understand what you’re talking about if you simply changed it to “It”.
Usually, the King hunted there for a hobby (and sometimes, Jenna would tag along if she managed to persuade her father enough), but aside from that, hardly anyone else entered it.
-Personal: The comment in the brackets is unnecessary. I wouldn’t include it.
His whole body was burning as if he was bathing in flames...
-Personal: I would change “as if” to “as though”.
He had so many questions in his head, and yet he found no answers.
-Personal: I would remove “in his head”. Obviously they’d be in his head. Where else would they be? In his pocket? ;)
This girl was very loud. Eidan wished she would just go away and let him die in peace.
-Ha-ha. That’s too hilarious.
"Boy, have you lost your memory? Do you remember your name?"
-Eh, not digging that. I don’t think that’d be one of the first thing’s he’d ask Eidan. I dunno, it just really doesn’t work for me. The dialogue here, again, isn’t as smooth as realistic as it has been in the past, so I suggest taking a look at it again when you can.
"It's high up in the sky!"
-XD Young Jenna is so comical in this chapter. My goodness. She’s such a child and it’s wonderful. I think you did a good job at making her slightly annoying, but I might suggest toning the humour down a bit since this is a pretty serious situation and it’s detracting slightly from it.
When Jenna had accidentally jammed his door shut (long story cut short: Jenna was bored one day and decided to amuse herself with his bedroom door) and they were both forced to escape out the window.
-Personal: Not digging this bracket business here. Sometimes it works (primarily in Jenna’s POV) but with Eidan it’s a tad... juvenile? Dunno, it just doesn’t work with him. Especially since it always seems to be about Jenna. Plus, these feel more like, “Okay, guys. Sorry to barge in here, but this is a bit of info you might want but isn’t really crucial.” /
A frown appeared on his face.
-Edit: Just cut this to, “He frowned.”
Eidan weaved through the trees, hearing nothing but the crunching of the dry leaves that he stepped on.
-Edit: Remove “that”.
Chocolate brown with thick eyelashes, although this girl's eyes were more narrow and elegant compared to Jenna's large and innocent ones.
-Edit: You can remove “eyes” from this sentence.
He guessed that she was around his age, maybe a bit younger
-Edit: You can remove “that” from this sentence.
Dude, nice ending! Like, wow! Excellent stuff there. I’m glad you revealed it wasn’t a dream because that would have eaten away at me. That last line was awesome too, man. Definitely a great hanger.
And, I’m guessing the italics are about Eidan. I’m assuming he’s some sort of magical being, or at least is different from the other humans. I mean, he likes the dark, so maybe he’s connected to a shadow world or something. He sees really well in the dark, so maybe he has feline in his blood (ha-ha, joke). But, yeah. Great ending!
Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
| C. Tattiana H-H 11/26/10 . chapter 2
Lmfao. I love how this chapter begins. Holy, drama. I mean, amirite? CAPSLOCK rage and all. Ha-ha. Sorry, that was just so comically awesome I had to comment.
Despite her murderous scowl, her parents did nothing but look at each other's faces and sigh.
-Personal: I would change “at each other’s faces” to “at each other”.
It was safe to say that Jenna was in a horrid mood for the rest of the day.
-Personal: I would remove “that”.
I really like how you aren’t telling us who “he” is yet. It definitely peeks my interest and makes me want to read on.
She watched him as he sat in one of her chairs, staring down at his dirty knuckles with pale blue eyes.
-Personal: I would remove “him”.
Sometimes, if he glared hard enough, he would pass as being intimidating. All in all, she had to admit that her best friend had grown into a handsome young man.
-Personal: I would remove “being” and “that”.
"So, I apologize if it seems like I've been deliberately not talking to you-"
-Personal: I would remove “So,”.
She shoved the remaining chunk of bread down her mouth and quickly devoured it.
-Edit?: “down” her mouth or “in” it?
Again, Eidan shrugged causing Jenna to frown at him.
-Personal: I would toss a comma after “shrugged” and remove “at him”.
"It's getting late, princess. You should sleep.
-Edit: You forgot the closing quotation mark.
They were surprisingly soft, but tough (obviously working as a blacksmith's apprentice would toughen up your hands, right..?).
-Personal: I wouldn’t include the stuff in brackets. I think it’s safe to say the readers, if knowledgeable enough, would be able to deduce that for themselves).
Soon, she turned away, not sure whether it was right to look at him straight in the face.
-Eh, I don’t like this. It should be him who looks away, if anyone. She’s a princess, she’d be use to feeling above people. Unless you describe it as her having sudden romantic feelings for him and being embarrassed about it, I don’t think it suits her position to wonder if she could look at him. Then again, unless it’s in their culture for their women not to look a man straight in the face, it would fit. Still, if that were true, she wouldn’t let him be so close or hold her hands...
She always found it strange that Eidan despised the sun, and yet he loved being in darkness.
-Edit: Your wording is a bit contradictory here. I believe it should be, “and instead, he loved being in darkness.”
Her voice was nothing but a whisper, although she was convinced that Eidan heard
-Personal: I would remove “that”.
But I did hope that my case would be different…
-Personal: Again with the “that”. Keep an eye on it; most of the time it’s not necessary.
"…Yeah. I suppose."
-Edit: Remove “Yeah”. If she’s a princess, no matter the era, “Yeah” would be a little too slack, I believe.
"Yeah, good night."
-Edit: Either remove “Yeah” or change it to “Yes”.
I find some of the dialogue isn’t as smooth as it could be. I think it’s because Jenna is a princess and I feel her tone and word choice should be more refined. Because of this, the latter part of this chapter flopped a little for me, so I might suggest looking over her lines again.
Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
| Serendipitist Swan 11/26/10 . chapter 2
Princess hates arranged marriage, ordinarily cliche, though I have no doubt you'll pull it off with grace.
I like the name Jennaline, it sounds like the name Emmaline, though I wonder if it's pronounced Jen-ah-line or Jen-ah-lean.
"She always found it strange that Eidan despised the sun, and yet he loved being in darkness. It was mad; who would enjoy being blinded by shadows?"
Are you sure he's not a vampire?
| Indigo Masquerade 11/26/10 . chapter 1
This review is courtesy of The Review Marathon over at The Review Game forum.
I love your title. I looked up the meaning of the word Penumbrae and it seems really fitting.
You took too long to mention the crowd. I had no idea there was a crowd until you explicitly stated it. I think you should have given some mention to them, or at least the noise they would surely be making, earlier.
I really liked the emotion of this scene. I could practically taste the fear the girl was trying so hard to cover up in their dialogue.
I'm not generally a fan of prologues but I like this one, it's very atmospheric and your use of language is poetic without being annoying. An interesting start.
Keep writing :)
| thefluffmysters 11/25/10 . chapter 5
OMG... I just figured it out...
THEY ARE TWINS FROM ANOTHER DEMENTION! ...No? That's wrong? Huh, darn. Although, it sure feels that way.
Hmm, I don't really have too much to say about this chapter, aside from that I found it very interesting that Lucan can now go into the dark and Eidan can now go into the light. Aside from that, the chapter was pretty straight-forward. It was great though.
For the record, you don't need to worry about the plot, its plenty interesting and I (and I'm sure a bunch of other people) love it!
You ought to try to get this story published for real or something, you'd make millions! ] No, seriously, you should.
| thefluffmysters 11/25/10 . chapter 4
No Grace, you can not get rid of Jenna! It's just not gonna work out! Eidan needs Jenna, and Jenna needs Eidan. So, no! And if you try to get rid of her yourself, I swear I'll... I'll... uhm, I can't really do much of anything... I'll yell at the computer screen! That won't look wierd at all...lol
Still loving Eidan, although some questions are coming up. Such as:
Where did he come from?
What happened to him?
Who is his sister?
Why did they sent him away?
Why can't he remember?
Who was going to kill him?
Why are these random memories returning now?
Anywho, Lucan seems alright. Don't have any big problems with him. I mean, Eidan got the wierd random flashback after he shook his hand, so maybe someone related to Lucan was trying to kill him? I dunno.
No grace! No getting rid of Jenna!
I can't help but feel like Jenna and Eidan are soul mates and they are in love, like love love forever ever in love everlasting eternal LOVE... love ]
| thefluffmysters 11/25/10 . chapter 3
OMG THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER! ...I just want you to know, this story is ALREADY rivaling my extreme love for "The Unwanted". Your one of the most creative authors I've ever read from on this site. You are going on my favorite authors list! D
Eidan, now that I've read this and realized, is such a complex character. What with the mysterious past and the whole being able to see in the dark thing and the mysterious hot chick(lol). I loved the part from the flashback when Jenna poked him and was like "Nevermind Daddy, he's not dead." I LOLed at that.
I'm seriously wondering who that girl in the woods was, and at this point I'm guessing that she's the one talking to him? Yeah, pretty sure about that one. But who knows? I might be wrong!
I love this story! ]
| thefluffmysters 11/25/10 . chapter 2
Once again, pretty EPIC! Loving this story so far, I think I put it on my alert list... I did, didn't I...? Eh, I'll make sure.
Jenna to me seems to be a bit unreasonable in the beginning. And LOL how long did she just lie there? A long time, obviously but... stubborn, but there is something about her that I really like.
Eidan seems...pretty awesome. lol I don't have much of an opinion on him yet aside from his extreme epicness.
This story is going great so far! ]