|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| FightXRun 11/3/10 . chapter 3
This story is so epic. I love the fact you started it off with a flashback and the characters don't even have names, and little by little you learn what they're like and who they are. I'm so curious about how this continues. (If you couldn't tell I liked it so much I had to read more than one chapter.) Keep up the good work! Kayla from RoadHouse
| Katerzzz 11/3/10 . chapter 1
Hi! Review payback!
Well, for notebook writing, this was an excellent idea. I come up with crap in my notebooks :(
I am dissapointed the first chapter is so short just because I loved it so much. Can't wait to read more as the story is just so believable. Brilliant work.
| berley 11/3/10 . chapter 2
“…was pretty muscled…”
- I would suggest changing this to muscular.
First off, I wasn’t a fan of the opening line of this chapter, but that could be because I just personally don’t like dialog written in all capitals, even if the speaker is yelling really loudly. One or maybe two exclamation marks really is sufficient to express that someone is yelling, even if it is really loud. But then again, that is just a personal choice for me since I see a few writers do it.
On another note, I got a really funny image in my head of a younger princess having a huge hissy hit in front of her parents. Haha.
Okay. Pretty cute chapter. Not a lot really happens, but you tell so much about their relationship again. Very nice. I think I know where this story is going, but after reading the italics and knowing who they are talking to, I am really interested in reading more and finding out who the italics are. Good job again!
This review was brought to you by The Roadhouse.
| Kobra Kid 11/2/10 . chapter 2
This was an excellent first chapter, as always. (:
Jenna is definitely childish, you portrayed that well with her attitude, toys and her fear of the dark. So, awesome job with slipping that in on the reader!
Eidan (cool name, by the way) seems too much for her. That's just my opinion from the first chapter, of course. I'm still gonna be open minded about whether or not they should be together, but I think Jenna is too childish for Eidan and Eidan is too mature for her. Of course, opposites DO attract...
AHEM, anyways, great work! Keep it up!
| Aspiemor 11/2/10 . chapter 2
Ah the reluctant princess scenario. Sometimes cliche, but if pulled off correctly, it cna be good. I know you wiull make it good. I could sense the whol rebellious phase going on, wanting to live her own life while her parents try to do what's best for her. At least what they think is best for her. And hte forbidden relationship or friendship. Two differing social classes, never fated to meet or be together. It makes me feel all poetic.
| Aspiemor 11/2/10 . chapter 1
Well it looks off to a great start. I kind of catch the gist of what's happening, but it was well written. I can't really say much as this was rather short but so far you did well. Well I did find the bond between the believable and the ending was rather dark. But dark in a good way. I am seriously thinking about witchhunts after that last bit.
I will have to read on I suppose. Oh BTW, back from vacation!
| Tawny Owl 10/31/10 . chapter 2
Oh man, you've flasbacked on me. I'm sulking now.
It didn't seem to help though, for she continued - I think this could be two sentences. The sharpness of it would fit in with her tantrum more.
It only annoyed her more that her parents were looking at her as if she was merely over-reacting, or worse – being childish.
The same with this. the reaction feels spot on, but it sounds clumsy. i think you could break it up to give it more impact.
I would have liekd to see some hints of teh scenary as well. I'm guessing we are in a big dining room in a palace somewhere, but confirmation would have helped tos et the scene more. Plus, if Jenna is shouting I bet it echoes wickedly. The Queen was also a very cool lady by the sounds of things, perfectly poised as she delivers her reprimand. I can imagine her rolling her eys and saying 'not in front of the servants, dear'. Although again some description of her, and the silent father would have been nice.
I like that Jennaline sounds very princess, but it can be shortened to something abit more manageable and every day too.
It was safe to say that Jenna was in a horrid mood for the rest of the day. -That's a given and you could show that rather than tell it. Describe how she enters her rom, does she throw things? fling herself on the bed? No one sulks like a princess who can't have her own way.
Cloud carpet - very nice description.
I like that Eidan keeps a sense of propriety between them. I guess being from the lower classes he's more aware of teh social gulf. It makes me feel more sorry for Jenna too becasue although I understand why Eidan is doing it you can tell she's confused and unhappy that she feels like she is losing her friend.
If they'd been friends for so long wouldn't he know that she was scared of teh dark already?
| Tawny Owl 10/31/10 . chapter 1
Lovely start - especially the bit about the sky staring back at her. Then they're tied up, which is a nice twist. As the begining felt contemplative rather than tense I thought this was going to be more along the lines of 'he doesn't love me anymore' sort of wrongs. This is much more exciting.
You repeat pole when you're describing them tied up - maybe try splintered wood instead?
I like the contrast between their reactions too. And the smell of the burning. I had this ominous feeling they were just going to get burnt up as part of the field.
I have a question too. This still feels very relaxed, which suits the main voice's feelings of exceptance, but that does take the urgency of it somewhat. If you wanted to build up teh fear a bit more I'd describe more of the other character's actions. Like how is his breathing - which would indicte how long he's been struggling, especially after he stops moving. How does he struggle? Can she feel him tugging or bucking? Does he still sound angry? The detail about the rope burning was good, but does the pole move too or is it too firmly fixed in to the ground? It depends what you're going for though.
the way they immediately clung onto her. His fingers. It was him. - aww, tha's such a nice way of doing it.
The conversation that follows shows an awful lot about their relationship too.
It does feel liek you should have mentioned teh crowd sooner. Crowds make noise. At first i thought they were just by themselves in the wilderness.
The ending felt a bit sudden. Having someone approach with the torch would have added more tension too. There's normally smoke to choke on before you pass out (because of course I have been burnt alive numerous times and know these things!) unlss there's something else at work here? I'm going to have to read on and find out.
| Stanleylouis 10/30/10 . chapter 2
Aww, good chapter! This looks like a really cute story, I can't wait to read on!
Some things to look out for:
Run-on sentances- they get the best of everyone. Something to fix that could be to read a sentance out loud, and if it doesn't sound quite right, break it up. .
Make sure that colons are used correctly- they should introduce a series of articles, rather than only one. A semi-colon might be better.
Sorry bout that, just my inner grammar-ninja fighting out. XD Really, it looks like a great story! I will read on!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 10/30/10 . chapter 3
Well, my best guess for the italics would be words relevant to Eidan's forgotten past. With that being said, I really like this chapter. I can say that it's actually the best you've written so far because you actually did a great job on Eidan's character. I'm not saying Jenna's show of character is weak, but that of Eidan is definitely is definitely much more in depth especially given the fact that he's lost his memory all the while. I really wonder what is it that he has seen here since I truly believe that it will be a major plot and character factor in the story.
I do think that you could have done more in the imagery aspect though since your words of description is a bit along the line of the generic standard if you get what I mean. Try to implement your descriptions via more fanciful means. To be honest I'm really curious to see the role of that unknown girl in the story. Quite obviously she's a major player in Eidan's character. The only question is how?
Just a little question here though. How old is Jenna when she found Eidan? I think she might be a child and if so, I think that her reaction upon seeing Eidan would be so much more drastic. She seems way too calm to me to be honest. You might need to take a look at this part. Unless of course she's the calm type of character, which then again doesn't make sense to me given the previous chapter on Jenna. And yeah, Eidan's affinity with darkness is a real wow in the plot. To be honest I'm really looking forward to see what you can do from there since I truly believe that it will be the central plot focus. :)
| Serendipitist Swan 10/30/10 . chapter 1
The first thing I thought was, "Witches! Witches!" And then i thought, "Vampires! Vampires!" (probably because of the word penumbrae. I love Latin). But then again, it's only the prologue. Everything will be fleshed out eventually.
| Alias Blue 10/30/10 . chapter 1
I really love that title. I spend ages on Latin translation sites. This is gonna be a quick review, but this prologue was really intriguing.
I loved the little italicised bit at the beginning - it was pretty poignant - especially since I'm guessing it was them when they were young?
Sigh, I love little potential romances like this. I like how you haven't named them yet. It's just 'He' and 'she', which somehow makes it so much more... i dunno, romantic. Oh, it's all dying together, Romeo and Juliet - you've caught me. I'm so soppy. lol.
I also like how you introduced everything very slowly. Like the fact that they were tied up on either side of a pole. XD I think you would have mentioned the crowd before though, because I imagined them alone, and then I had to adjust my imagining halfway.
I'm also always put off by the idea of princess' and castles - it's probably disney that does it - so, no reflection on you.
I'll definitely be back to have a peek, but for the princess reason, 'cause it's not really my thing, I might not continue.
One typo I noticed was that you use 'begun' when it should be 'began' I think. Apart from that it was a great prologue.
Stuff like this, admittedly , gives me new ideas. So a good read. Thanks.
| Kirei.Kappukeki 10/29/10 . chapter 3
This is my favorite chapter of all three :D I feel lie it was very strong in its content as well as word choice. A mysterious girl in the woods who wants Eidan to remember her and looks like an evil version of the innocent/spoiled princess. This is getting interesting! Perhaps Eidan is a spy of sorts, to be activated at an appropriate moment. The little poems seem to hint at something more sinister than a mere accident that caused Eidan's memory loss. Interesting, interesting. I hope you have some deep twisted underlying plot for this story because between knowing that the princess and Eidan will burn to death and a familiar woman with red hair, I have some crazy thoughts about what's going to happen. xD
I do wish the paragraphs were a little longer (or the whole piece in general) but I see that you are planning for 30 chapters so hopefully length isn't an issue. I say worry more about quality than quantity. I think you could benefit from the help of a beta to help smooth out your descriptions (though it seems to me that this chapter is MUCH better than the first two).
Sara from RH
| C. Tattiana H-H 10/29/10 . chapter 1
She tried to crane her neck to get a slight glimpse of his face, but it was no use.
-Personal: I would remove “slight”.
"It's not your fault," she shook her head, then remembered that he couldn't see her. "It was mine as well."
-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period and change “she shook her head” to “She shook her head” since that’s not a dialogue tag, it’s a regular ol’ description. ;)
However, she felt something warm brush her fingers, it was almost tickling, the way they immediately clung onto her.
-Personal: “However” doesn’t feel right here. I understand what you’re trying to convey, but for some reason it’s not working for me. I don’t have any suggestions, unfortunately, but just take a second look at this sentence and see if you can tweak the beginning, maybe.
Her hand was clutching his so tightly that it begun to feel numb, but she would never ever think of letting go.
-Edit?: Do you want “ever” to be “even”? If you did intend it to be “ever”, I would suggest removing it.
After a while, she gave a soft sigh, letting her head scan their surroundings.
-Edit: Her head or her eyes?
The crowd were watching them with steady, narrowed eyes and she knew it wouldn't be long until they begun.
-Ah. If you write eyes in the previous sentence, it’ll risk sounding repetitive. Nonetheless, reconsidering the “head scan[ning] their surroundings”. In this sentence, though, change “were” to “was”.
Behind her, she could almost imagine his face scowling deadly at the crowd.
-Personal: “scowling deadly” isn’t working for me. “Scowling” is a strong enough word without the deadly. I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to convey with the “deadly”, actually.
"Well, I just felt the need to remind you, love. Forgive me for questioning your sanity for the minute there."
-Personal: I feel this would read stronger without the “for the minute there” part.
They fell into silence after that, each of them lost in their own thoughts
-Edit?: I feel “each” should be “both” instead.
Her breath hitched and she felt his hand clutching onto hers as if it was the only thing keeping them alive.
-Personal: I would remove “onto”.
Interesting first chapter, definitely. I like how you don’t tell the reader exactly what’s going on until near the end. It’s certainly a good technique to employ in order to keep people reading.
I think you could include a bit more description, though. This first prologue felt a little bare. How many people are in the crowd? Are they rowdy or calmly waiting? Right off the bat, you let readers know it’s night, but I think you could sprinkle a few more night time descriptions in there to reinforce the time and setting. You focus on the ropes around their wrists, which is good, but are they standing or sitting? Aside from the crowd, what do they see? Are they completely surrounded by people, or are there other visuals you can include?
I love what you’re doing with the italics at the beginning and end. I had the same idea a while back, but I won’t be doing it anytime soon; need to finish the poem in its entirety first. ;)
And man, major super bonus points for the title! Not only does it include “shadow” in the definition, but it’s Latin, to boot! Ha-ha.
This prologue is good; all it needs is a bit more description and think you’ll have yourself a winner. Excellent job, Francine. Keep it up.
| Kirei.Kappukeki 10/29/10 . chapter 2
This chapter left me grasping for more. Jenna seems less defined in this chapter then in the first. Almost boring in a way. I know you meant for her to come off as stubborn and indignant, but it lacks a certian je ne sais quoi. Edian on the other hand actually over shadows Jenna in this chapter (for me) because of his lack of description. Your poems at the beginning and end make me wonder about him and his personal goals. Overall, a little more showing and less telling should help things along. And like the last chapter I do like your dialog very much, it's simple but nicely tailored. :D
Sara from RH