|Reviews for Embers|
| Amadeus Crane 12/14/12 . chapter 1
Just reviewing the first chapter. This is a brilliant story. One of the best things is your style of writing and your sense of humour. It reminds me of Terry Pratchett - one of my favourite authors.
All in all, its fantastic.
| Strangebloke 12/20/10 . chapter 1
Wow. That was really good. I don't know that I can fully treat all of the cool things that happened in these 100,0 words, but suffice to say that I enjoyed all of it.
Both Tyrus and Saresan were tremendously successful as characters. No imagination and no grounding in reality could have gotten very annoying as characters, but you kept them light, entertaining, and didn't flanderize them too much. They were quirky, but not in an overboard way.
Some of the plot twists were a bit obvious. I mean, its hard to fear for Lenka's life when everyone knows about Phoenix being reborn in fire. Of course, you heightened the tension in other ways, by making the reader worry about what destruction Lenka might cause.
World creation was good, and the people act and talk like I think people did during the industrial revolution. Others might disagree, but I felt that magic was a little too cheap in this story. Its everywhere, and its never used for anything important. Inversion of Tolkein-style fantasy. You also could have described some things, like the car(t) that they constantly drive around, quite a bit better than you did.
ok... moving on. Valise and Eshentobon were successful as sympathetic antagonists. You kept them that way by having them do things like worry about collateral damage, and talking about their doings as a noble quest. Sometimes, though, they annoyed me. For example, in one of the first conversations they have, they essentially say this.
V:I have sought you for a long time, just to ask you this: What is the meaning of death?
E: There is none, except what you make for yourself.
V: 'K. I get it. You need help with anything?
E: Sure. I'm trying to die. little help?
The whole conversation feels a little trite and contrived. Valise seems to take the answer too calmly, especially when she has traveled this whole way in search of purpose.
The most central theme, to my mind, is that of balance. Yin-Yang. Tyrus is realism, Saresan is imagination. Eshentobon is logic, Valise is passion. Garuda is nature, Phoenix is artifice. Lenka is human, the phoenix is transcendentally feral. E is death, Lenka is life. I could go on. None of these opposites are evil. They are, however, frequently in opposition, and its bad for everyone. In the end, all of the halves are whole again. Lenka is the phoenix. Tyrus and Saresan work together to save Lenka.
Good job, and props to you. I would say something about what a crying shame it is that this doesn't have more reviews, except that I believe that the lack of repsonse is your own fault for publishing this as 1 chapters instead of 36.
| Kelly 12/8/10 . chapter 1
I think this story is a brilliant piece of original work. Your characters had believable personalities (though the phoenix's vanity was rather annoying; I could really appreciate Lenka's point of view towards the thing) and even Saresan, who some authors might have made unrealistically stupid, was quirky without being idiotic. I loved the constant referral to Rogado and the crazy antics in Saresan's stories. It helped to balance out Tyrus' more practical personality, or maybe Tyrus helped to balance Saresan? Either way, I loved them both.
Your adaption of Eshentobon and Valise as antiheroes was also quite well done, though as a reader I couldn't help but think of them as the enemy because they were trying to kill Lenka.
Perhaps, if you were really looking to develop the story a bit further, you might look at your description of the landscape and setting to expand on what you describe. I do agree with others that it would be more convenient to have your chapters separated, but that doesn't detract from the story itself.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to know if there are other phoenixes out there and I'd love to see more development between your three main characters. Sequel? :P
| Harry 11/25/10 . chapter 1
I really did love this story. The plot was good, the writing was good, but most of all I loved your characters - each and every one. Even the "villains" were surprisingly sympathetic and chock-full of pathos.
| Ashley 11/16/10 . chapter 1
Great story, well written and very original, super frustrating that it's not separated into chapters the regular way. More than once I had to scroll way down to where I was reading.
| Anonymous 10/28/10 . chapter 1
| A.P. Gregory 10/28/10 . chapter 1
I'm not a big fan of the formatting of this. It would be easier to swallow if you split it up on to different pages. So this review is simply for the first chapter.
I think you have an interesting premise and your prose is quite distinctive and accessible.
The only real problem I have with this is the dialogue. It seems stilted. I don't get a sense of the characters when their speaking.
Other than that I thought you penned out a good chapter.
| Shadowhound 10/28/10 . chapter 1
You'll forgive me if I didn't read all thirty-five tantalizing chapters. I did, however, read the first chapter. Sorry, but I'm not up for a full story right now.
Chapter 1 Critique
-I like the dialogue in the beginning. Definitely shows Saresan's and Tyrus' relationship.
-"The same people who pay young, nubile women to wear see-through clothes while said young ladies wash their wagons."
The second part is repetitive. Rephrase it as "The same people who pay young, nubile women to wear see-through clothing while washing their wagons." the whole, "said young ladies" part is redundant. Get rid of it.
-'His problem, as his grandmother had told him, was that he heard and saw things that were really there.'
So what is he doing spending time with Saracen? Shouldn't he be able to see through his friend's idiocy?
| Sanareth 10/28/10 . chapter 1
That was simply Brilliant; One of the better thing's I've read all year.
I'd expect work of this quality to be published; there were less than perhaps three points which I can't even find now, where any sort of errors cropped up.
It was really quite difficult to locate anything wrong with such a charming, amazing and Truely Epic (Although that word is overused of late) Tale.
A word on style; your work is reminiscent of Terry Pratchett, with a dash of R.A Heinlien and maybe a pinch of Tom Holt.
I loved it. I truly truly did.
The way you created a whole universe here, never needing to overburden a conversation or activity with description.
The originality of a plot created from myths and the thought that you've placed into how your world works has been unparalleled in anything that I've seen on the site.
Although perfection is a direction rather than a destination, everything in here was dead-center on what it felt it should be like. The switches between her and the phoenix were distinct, your characters were so three dimensional the not only came out of my mind and the screen but hung around afterwords to help with the washing-up and I enjoyed all ninety thousand odd words of it.
I couldn't tear my eye's away once while reading.
I thank you, because you've not only done all of that within this story; you've also left me feeling very, very happy.
To anyone who checks the reviews prior to reading the work; I advise you. Read this, you will love it and cherish it.
Thank-you. You are brilliant. Truly. You are really,Really amazing.
I cannot emphasize that point enough. I feel privileged to read this and what makes it so much more amazing is that this is only the twelfth work you've written!
Perhaps I should kneel. If you hadn't quite gathered it thus far, I'm darn impressed.