|Reviews for I Found Away|
| SKeene1956 4/1/13 . chapter 30
Another excellent read. Thank you agian for sharing your gift with the rest of us! Best to you and yours.
| Persnickety Fox 5/13/12 . chapter 4
A graveyard right next to a shopping center? I like the irony. Now that I think about it, I know of a graveyard across the street from a Costco.
The imagery was clear, I liked it.
Style: I noticed that in one sentence, there would be a lot of clauses strung together with commas. This would happen frequently. The sentences did make sense, but I felt like the flow was hampered because thoughts would be interrupted. If the sentences were tweaked a little, I think they might flow better. Here's an example:
[Kitty skidded to a stop, glancing over her shoulder, worried that, despite all her precautions, someone might have followed.]
When it's said out loud, it's fine. But when written out, the "despite all her precautions" part kind of interrupts the thought being made, especially since it cuts in right after the word "that." Maybe if the clauses were rearranged, it would flow better. Like this: "Kitty skidded to a stop, glancing over her shoulder, worried that someone might have followed despite all her precautions."
And this one: [A large hole had been bordered up with flimsy cardboard, and the posters that were, miraculously, left were peeling and faded.] Could turn into: "A large hole had been [boarded?] up with flimsy cardboard, and the posters that had miraculously remained were peeling and faded."
Just a little tweaking can help streamline thoughts.
Also, people like to whisper a lot here, especially Liza. It makes me wonder if the whispering is necessary. Is Liza worried about eavesdroppers? Did she just lower her voice or is it actual whispering that's hard to hear?
The mom-and-pop flashback was a little abrupt. Maybe there should be a warning beforehand?
Grammar: [The entrance to the market, she remembered, used to smell fish.] Smell of fish? Smell fishy?
[A flash of worry, of concern, flickered across the woman's face.] Worry and concern are synonymous, so maybe one of them should be taken out to avoid repetition.
Characterization: When Kitty reunites with her brother, she barely exchanges words with him before she gets distracted by the scenery and changes the subject. I thought that was abrupt and anti-climactic, considering that she just found her brother. First it was this hope-regaining moment and then, look! What's that in the background? The girlfriend pops in to explain. I felt that the moment was cut off rather quickly and didn't have enough build-up to or within it. I think that can be remedied by drawing the moment out a bit more. Maybe Kitty can take in more sensory information on Arthur than on her surroundings, like her clinging to his frame to convince herself that she was real. Or maybe they can crack a sibling joke to reassure each other that they're both okay. Something like that. Fleshing out the moment more would help ease the transition from "I thought you were dead" to "what's that over there?" I'm sure you can think of some clever ways to do that.
There's another time when Kitty changes the subject, this time in a good way, but I think it still can be improved. It's right here: ["No." He shook his head, frowning. "No, they weren't."
"So!" She tried to make the single word sound light, jolly. "How did you and Liza meet?"]
I think the tone in this conversation was well-done. That said, I think including a silence before Kitty speaks would help keep the tone consistent. It would also help with the gravity of the situation. Discovering that her parents turned into creatures and that Arthur had no other choice but to kill them are not easy realizations to bounce back from. I think she'd need at least a little time to compose herself before faking the happy face. Even a moment of silence would help convey the seriousness of the situation and make Kitty's anguish seem more real.
Final thoughts: Kitty's survey of the damages was engaging and I could imagine her world clearly. The conversations were mostly fine, but I think they could be really great after a little revision. Keep writing!
| Persnickety Fox 1/10/12 . chapter 3
I like reading a few chapters at a time to get a better view of what the story is about, so that's why I'm reviewing this chapter first. )
First off, I like the tension that you built up in previous chapters. The stakes are revealed, but not everything is fleshed out at once. It wasn't overwhelming that way, which I also liked.
So when it came to this chapter, the story flowed smoothly, at an understandably slower pace (the characters are in a "safer" environment now). Kitty's thoughts and memories had more room to fill the reader in on the past as an explanation for the present.
Weaving in a character's memories into a story is a tricky endeavor. If it's not done well, the memories might take the reader in the wrong direction, or explain too much or too little. On the other hand, if done tactfully, can blend in with the pace and tone of the story and make the story as a whole more compelling.
I think it was really creative of you to use Kitty's memories to contrast the settings and descriptions-like in the prologue's setting and in Kitty's description of Kenny. It really helped show the history and characters without sounding like a textbook. It was a very intuitive move.
That said, there was one part in Chapter Two that caught me off guard. There's a flashback that comes after Kitty is taken down the hallway. It might be because of the way I read it, but there wasn't much of a break in the story (or any literal line break) to warm me up for the trip down memory lane. So, I read the flashback thinking it wasn't a flashback. I was able to figure it out after "Jay" was mentioned, but I found the scene jarring and a little out of place. I read it over and I'm still not sure whose flashback it was.
If the seamless and ambiguous incorporation of the flashback scene was intentional, then great! But if not, I suggest making the break from reality a little more clear. Just a little.
Other than that, I really like that the tension is still strong and that the flow is good overall. )
| Superslow Jellyfish 8/24/11 . chapter 8
Time for today's crop of review returns. You're up first!
"The nosy part of Kitty really wanted to know what the girl had been up to." So do I! There's something definitely up with that information there. That coincide part stands out for me. This is a warning sign alert for me.
""Forget with great power comes great responsibility," she replied," LOVE! 3 Spiderman reference! I like the allusion here, since Spiderman has his superpowers and so does Kitty, both of which use their powers for the greater good in life. That movie sort of changed my life, per se, I started noticing boys at that tender age (I was like 9 or 10 or something...wow, that long ago...), aka James Franco.
Kitty is being progressive as a thinker. Awesomeness.
Minor edit: "I was hoping I'd get to work you," the girl admitted," should be work FOR you, I think. Or work WITH you.
"Blood was, she knew, bloody hard to get out." :D
I liked this chapter, there were allusions, Kitty probably set the course of the story with her resistance plan, and most of all, we could see a clear perspective on Kitty being the leader of that resistance through A-Girl's eyes, since it turns out that she's well-respected and seen as a hero due to her actions. I think she'll succeed, definitely, but there'll be drawbacks, at the likeliest. Nothing is ever easy!
| Superslow Jellyfish 8/11/11 . chapter 7
It has certainly been a while since I saw "the cat grow up".
I love the irony displayed here. BC and Kitty. Nope. They're quite obviously not the same person. Nope. No way.
It's very interesting to see that the relationship between Kitty and Jay was once very close, turned to heartbreak, and now, he can't even recognize her. And that fantasy bit about her in the club...so many of us girls have that similar dream coming true, especially the part when she tells him he's not worthy :D
That Black Cat disguise/persona must be working amazingly well, even for Jay to not realize what's going on. The "Silver Fox" man, Dylan is intriguing. At first, I thought there was something off, but then as I kept on reading, I realized he is one of the good guys.
I do feel bad for Rebecca Simon, because she could be tortured for the mistaken identity, yet at the same time, I hope Kitty makes it okay, because the government is a lot smarter than they seem. For all we know, it could be a ploy. All in all, this was a great chapter, as it fully introduced Kitty's life as the Black Cat and how she works alone.
| Superslow Jellyfish 6/13/11 . chapter 6
Interesting how you put the time gap here, but I'm sure you did it for a reason. The hammy doctor continues to be hammy and wanting to do experiments. I think it's well beyond established that Kitty is an extremely valuable asset to them.
Her escape is chock-loaded with nightmare fuel, from the moving charred bodies to the little children, which I think you added in to show the horribleness of what these people set out to do.
Now for the time gap:
I know Springboks are common in S. Africa, is that an allusion to the rugby team? Kitty made a promise to herself to bring the Institute down and she's fulfilling that promise. Though I feel like something could easily go astray: say Oli or someone she knows to recognize her as Kitty. I can see now why the chapter is called Kittens grow up.
| Superslow Jellyfish 6/13/11 . chapter 5
Okay, I love this evil laboratory doctor. He is exquisitely hammy and I'm pretty sure he's mentally deranged. Wait, let me focus on other things before I get to him ,yes?
From the beginning until this point, I just feel worse and worse about Kitty, since she's all alone and the future here is really bleak. I really do enjoy those bits when she thinks of her past life, especially when she used to pretend about the "animals" in the "zoo", which gives her a touch of realism.
Now the doctor. I laughed when he said he was her worst nightmare and a total cliche. But then he really acts upon it! Just everything about him lives up to his opening cliche line: his dialogue, his description, clothes, and the way he treats Kitty.
Though I do have to say he brought up a very interesting point: she has more than one power other than melting heat? And who else could have powers? Kenny? Oli? Her missing brother? Liza, even? Damned cliffhanger endings, making me want to read on...
| Superslow Jellyfish 5/31/11 . chapter 4
The beginning was really poignant for me, as Kitty walked about the streets and all of the signs of familiarity all gone. I've lived in the same place for the longest time and if the Burger King on the plaza next to me were obliterated, I'd cry, even though I haven't touched the stuff in seven months. Her looking for her brother in desperation also made me root for her.
At first, when Liza hugged Kitty, I seriously thought she was going to say he was dead in a sympathetic kind of way, since I'm so used to hearing that kind of thing in works. What a pleasant surprise that he's all well. Then I realized she was hugging her since that was her boyfriend's sister. I like her already.
So this is a zombie apocalypse of sorts? Okay, now this is just making me more curious thanks to that twist in the story, since I am a sucker for Zombies and everything about them. No doubt this was the result of something scientific.
My curiosity about Arthur has peaked, considering he had to kill his zombified parents. I wonder if that's going to give him some sort of psychological stress as a character or he's going to be a martyr along with Liza. I predict that Richard is alive, but I don't think he's well. I think the antagonists of the story have him in a choke-hold, either physical or something. There's so many ways you can go with this!
| Superslow Jellyfish 5/20/11 . chapter 3
Whoas. This chapter sounds somewhat ominous in the what could possibly happen to Sam. I have a bad feeling about what's happened to Arthur. I just do. This story is sounding more and more like an post-apocalyptic world as we go on.
In my opinion, what stood out for me in this chapter is the introduction of Kenny. I have this like strange liking to this name, thanks to South Park...anyway, I loved the description about him and how fast he physically aged after the events that circumscribed. Her relationship with this Jay guy sounds somewhat random. Was she not into Oli much, or did she decide to just "remain friends" with him. He sounds like such a nice guy compared to Jay, who sounds like a douche.
You're slowly releasing these tidbits about Kitty and the life she used to live and her role as a protagonist. I can't wait to see where you go with this!
| Superslow Jellyfish 5/20/11 . chapter 2
I love the sci-fi reference in the beginning of this chapter. All of it, actually, from it's mere mentioning to how cliched Kitty thought it all was when she woke up chained in a white room. It made me laugh.
The flashbacks between her and Oli were really cute. It's a good way to start her character development. The soccer/football reference scenes were very real and it added to their little banter they have going on. I know Americans aren't into this sport compared to other types, but trust me, I follow the English Premier League the best I can (and other soccer/football teams).
Kitty's power is especially cool. She can absorb/create heat? I have multiple guesses to how she acquired this power (or does she have more than one?), but I doubt she was born with it, because judging her life story, she doesn't really seem to have had this.
I'm assuming Oli is "infected" as well, if he was at the facility as well. Kitty is really powerful if she managed to escape and kill in the process of it. I'm really enjoying this story so far.
| Superslow Jellyfish 5/20/11 . chapter 1
Wow, I didn't know that could happen with the prologue being cut off. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry it took me forever to review you back. I love connecting universes with my own stories, too. I have zero bias towards sci-fi, so no problemo with that.
Anyways, this is a rather action packed first chapter. Kitty intrigues me, I wonder what her "infected" ability is? People probably call it that due to fear. Pah. What I love about action in a story is that if done right, you read it at such a fast pace because you worry what's going to happen to the character. You certainly pulled that off right. I want to keep on reading now so that I can learn more about Kitty and if we're going to be introduced to her lifestyle.
You're also raising some serious questions here. Case in point: "The church had survived the blitz!" Okay, I want to know what the hell happened to Kitty's old home? I'm going to keep reading now...
| the ticking clock 5/17/11 . chapter 3
I really like this story! The description is beautiful, the dialogue clear and real, and the conflict and torment of the charectors is intriguing. The only thing i would suggest it we get a little more back story, unless of course that will spoil anything. For instance I am a little confused about who Kenny is exactly...but I love it. Great job :)
| the ticking clock 5/17/11 . chapter 2
What an interesting world you have built up here! wow!
| the ticking clock 5/17/11 . chapter 1
well written. Good job :)
| zombie chickens 4/1/11 . chapter 14
Oh gosh, I cringed at the part where she had to remove Chase's tracking device. Poor guy. The gory visuals of this chapter was amazing, and I especially like how you manage to switch from the flashbacks to the present. They work really well together given the parallels of events. My only word of advice is that it would be easier to distinguish the flashback from the present if one was in italics or something. It's not really all that confusing, but it might help make it clearer.
This chapter was great, brutal and everything I love about your writing style. I can definitely tell that it's building up to something and I hope to see more of it soon!