I liked the chapter

I wouldn't worry about the characters been to whiny or emo, its who **THEY** are, it's a part of their personality, so don't sweat it.

"he thought through his answer instead of responding as if it was a gag reflex."

I was a bit confused about what this meant.

But really, I like it. The first part with Dan was wonderfully creepy, yet at the same time being forced to see things through his POV forces us to sympathize with him. Helps that he's basically a nice guy and it sounds like he's had a fair bit of tragedy in his pass. Not that that's an excuse to lust after a student, mind.

Rebecca's a little bit more of a mystery at this point, even though she got a bit of her own POV. Still, I look forward to finding out more about her and seeing how things with Dan go... Not well, I take it.

I like the cliff-hanger at the end at the end because it made the readers realize that Dan knows the truth of the student could be sleeping with and causes him to want to stop him. I dislike Phlean trying to make Rebecca forced into something she doesn't want to do because it is inhuman and is an element that breaks the fine line between low T and high T. Overall, a good chapter. Can't wait for more.

OPENING: I enjoyed the comradely between Lucia and Rebecca in the beginning. I got the sense that she genuinely cared for Rebecca, but ultimately she could only take that concern so far because her job and her families well being were at stake. I really liked how you played with those parallels. You’re hinting to the reader that not everything is what it seems, and not everything is strictly black and white.

CHARACTERS: Phelan officially gives me the creeps in a major way this chapter. When he said “it makes my mouth water just thinking about it…” I know he wasn’t being explicit but even in the context of a smoothie it made my skin crawl. I’m still unsure of his motivations but I think that’s adding to the creep factor quite a bit. He seems like a character on the edge, he’s unpredictable and that makes for wonderful reading.

PACE: I think the intro into the Dan section was a little slow at the beginning, but as soon as he discovered the book it speed up quickly. I liked how you showed Dan beginning to put the pieces together, he knew the book should not have been there, and he knew enough about Phelan to guess that Lucia *could* speak English.

ENDING: I am literally floored by this ending. I hope (I mean really hope) that Phelan did not just sell Rebecca to the highest bidder…. Is it prostitution? Some of the pieces are coming together, especially Phalen’s grim remark to her that she would ‘enjoy sex’ wow, I’m still floored. Amazing chapter.

Juliet.

You asked to review a chapter in the second half of the story, but I have no idea of what's happening. Sorry, I prefer to read in order:

I liked how Rebecca is presented. Usually writers present their character's "love interest" as someone with some unusual or unique about them. It was nice to see that Rebecca was considered someone rather normal but liked by Dan at the same time.

I also enjoyed the sentence "He saw a girl young enough to be his daughter." You already present the element of a sort of forbidden interest and the impact created by that sentence was good. As it stands alone, it isn't crowded by other sentences.

Additionally the comment on her essay was humorous. I suppose "I wanted a little more from your body" could be taken in two sense. At first I didn't exactly realize it, but like Dan, I had to reread what he wrote. I think that was good because you reader can easily follow your character's track of thought.

The only thing I'm a little wary about is the change in POV's. I like reading from one point of view because it keeps a sort of suspense for your characters and readers. As in, "What did character A mean by that comment?" "Why did character A do that action?" and etc. Then again, if your intention is to make the thoughts of both character clear, then it could work. I just wasn't too convinced by the many change in POV's.

This chapter felt very extreme. I feel like there’s very little lead in from Rebecca talking the Phelan in the last chapter to suddenly living with him in the house. And then there’s his behavior… I’m slightly on the fence about this, here’s why: On the one hand I think it’s interesting that you have a character doing this, it makes me think of Lolita in a lot of ways with Rebecca as the unwilling participant, but I’m really clueless as to why Phelan’s doing this. I get that you’d want to show surprise the reader but I feel like we need something at this point to help us understand what’s going on. Having said that, I get that we are still very much in the beginning of the story and things will work themselves out eventually. I also wonder what happened to Thomas, I would have liked to see his reaction to the proposition, either given to him from Rebecca, or from Phelan himself.

I do feel like Waters was an afterthought at the end. I like the character building by talking about Sophie, but I feel like you really just brought him out just to show the reader that he was still a prevalent character in the story, rather than for a plot or pacing angle.

Juliet.

I loved the Splenda metaphor – so clever…

I really liked the car conversation between Dan and Rebecca. It felt both awkward, as a teacher and student alone in a car together, but also natural, you could feel the push and pull of the conversation, and nothing felt out of place. It’s interesting that you chose The Crucible, as opposed to The Scarlett Letter – I remember reading the latter in high school rather than the former, but with Latin classes it makes me think of an alternative school, so it works.

I like the persona that Rebecca has of a battered woman – now that I’ve read this chapter I can put all of the hints and clues together from reading the previous chapters. I think you did a good job at showing her shell-shock. She would be moody and secretive, but I have to ask myself why Thomas beats her. I knew you said that their parents died, but I’m wondering what those circumstances were, and how Phelan ultimately fits into all of this. I think you did a good job at making me (the reader) ask questions and you’re keeping me on my toes about what’s going to happen next.

Juliet.

So it is in high school….

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I worry about the cliché angle here. Teacher/student/high school, but having said that Rebecca does not seem like a typical high schooler, and Waters does not appear to be typical teacher. But, I still worry about the ramifications of this type of storyline. So far it hasn’t been bad, but this angle is a bit overused.

So far Phelan is probably the most dynamic character so far. At first I got the impression that he had had a sexual relationship with Thomas and was bribing Rebecca about it, but then I got the strong impression that he was propositioning Rebecca for something strange and indecent, although you never really go into detail about what it is. I do feel that the ending was a bit rushed though. I feel like it went from ‘their talking’ to ‘she left him in the dark’ rather quickly.

Much love,
Juliet.

["Hallelujah, we're saved, you're wrong, and I'm not taking in your problem students." Jen's announcement entered his room before she did. "You're welcome." She dropped a file folder onto his desk, scattering stray post-it notes old past their usefulness.] love that Jen. XD

Seriously, Jen is so smart. I love that about her, and the fact that she doesn't just sit by and let Dan keep his secret (well, for now he's succeeded, but...). She's a great female secondary character. :)

Phelan is quite a sly fox. I probably mentioned this before, but I think it's so intriguing how you're making the villain a minority, yet that has just become part of his character. Don't worry, Dan, I hate minorities who jump all over someone who doesn't love an individual who belongs to the minority.

OOOHHHH, that James thing must've been terrifying and awkward all at the same time! Wait..wait, Phelan has a KID?! That's like...I hope that poor girl is treated okay. :(

And that scene at the end...whoa. I mean, I guess I wouldn't mind their relationship going into that territory, but I hope you never show it as romantic. Ick. But as more of a lean on each other type thing, it could work. I liked how Rebecca tried to rationalize it with scientific facts.

Cluttered...hmm. I don't think I'd say cluttered.

Whiny...huh, I don't get whiny either. The only comment I can think of is Rebecca has always seemed a bit dry to me, but then again, not all people are lively, so it may just be a personal taste thing.

Yes, I did get the give up vibe. I don't think I saw any cliches (this story has never seemed that cliche)

Just a minor suggestion: the topics you're dealing with are very delicate. I'm sure you're fully aware of this, but since I don't actually know how this story will end, I want to be assured that the ending won't in any way put pedophilia in a good light. Of course, I don't think it will, but I think you should be aware of it when determining the ending. Like, for instance, a lot of people (including me) really lost respect for That's My Boy (the movie) for one reason because it tried to paint a 13-year-old boy getting a 30-something year old teacher pregnant as making the boy seem like a stud. I don't care if it's comedy - that's just plain insulting. Also, I'd like to see all the potential of this story shine through, and I think if it ends on a more negative note because of the Dan/Rebecca relationship, it could really be a beautifully fleshed out story.

Cheers.

I love it! Don't change anything. Honestly, it's so original. I don't see any cliches. The story is moving at a perfect pace (I think it would be completely unrealistic if the two of them moved too fast).
When I first saw this story, it wasn't something I thought would be interesting (more weird than anything with the whole teacher/student thing) but it has turned out being so sweet. You handle the characters and their emotions and experiences so well. Please continue with it.

oohh that's so intense! your characters are very real and belivable! more please!.

Im losing it. Need you to update!

(Freebie 4 of 4) I like this chapter because of its imagery, the way you descried Phelan's house. I disliked this chapter because of Phelan's making Rebecca a sex object, he is using for his own personal gain which is no better than Thomas's beating of her. I will read more when I want to. I do like this story though.

(freebie 3 of 4)I like this chapter because of the interactions between Dan and Rebecca, they seem geniune. I dislike this chapter because of Rebecca's reaction to her brother, being the student she is, I would assume she would go to the police or at least get her brother classes for alcholics. Still overall this story is still great.

Here is easy fix 2 of 4 (for the freebie). I liked this chapter because we are introduced to two interesting characters who involve the lot. I also liked how you set up Dan and Rebecca's meeting because they seemed to accidently being meeting which help the story. Two down, tow to go.