|Reviews for Like Eiderdown & Disendowers|
| Fierce.Imagination 6/28/11 . chapter 9
Ah, I’d been dreading this moment… I hope you update soon, because I really can’t wait!
That was a truly beautiful chapter. Especially the last scene, I think there was nothing you could’ve done better, it was absolutely perfect. The hug in the very end was so unexpected, yet it was natural once it happened and I think it was my favorite part of the chapter. The awkwardness was very realistic as well. It’s also good to see them getting closer at this point of the story.
I love the way you’re revealing the characters’ past a bit at a time and not everything at once; it’s fascinating to see the history unfolding for us. The flashbacks were both touching and sadly painful. It’s so awful how both of them have a horrible past with a lot of sufferings.
The only thing I found out of place in the chapter was the part when Dan called Jen. I don’t know why, it just felt unnecessary and broke the flow of the chapter somehow. I think it would be better to just have them meet and talk about the incident or whatever when you planned them to do so, without the phone call. Of course, it’s all up to you and I’m just trying to be helpful.
Fantastic job! Please don’t take too long!
| Boy at War 6/28/11 . chapter 1
"And though she made thought-provoking insights on Gone With the Wind in class discussions, she was the quiet sort of girl, as easily looked over as a petal floating in the autumn wind."
I liked this description this makes me think that she's going to like run away from the fading world around her. Since you know autumn is the time when all the leaves die so she's the leaf that tried to get away. That makes me interested.
"She used to think about how she was instead of conditioning herself to reply as such." I didn't really get this line, I'm not sure what your trying to say. I think there should be a comma between "was" and "instead" otherwise it takes on a whole new meaning.
| Musique Faerie 6/28/11 . chapter 2
This chapter seriously reminded a lot from my junior year...with the half finished notes from both history and from The Crucible, as well as the physics problems.
| Fierce.Imagination 6/26/11 . chapter 6
Everything about the writing is as great as always. You deserve constant praise and honest respect. I really can’t remember when was the last time I was so immersed in the story and excited about it. I fear the moment I reach the latest chapter and have to wait until your next update! :O
I am endlessly relieved that nothing happened between Dan and Rebecca at this point and under those circumstances. I actually never expected anything to happen and when you mentioned you initially intended them to “copulate”… The thought alone is too disturbing. I think it would’ve been very wrong and very out of character for both.
Now, I get the shock and disappointment they felt when they saw each other in the bedroom, but I’m still confused about Dan’s reaction. I mean, why didn’t he explain his intentions properly? Why didn’t he even try to convince her to get out of there (before she ran away herself)? I think he should’ve MADE her leave with him. I don’t know, his reactions made him look guilty, as if he really came there to get laid by an underage girl.
Anyways, awesome job! *Can't stop reading...*
| Fierce.Imagination 6/26/11 . chapter 4
Love the plot, love the characterization, love the writing.
My only wish would be to have a little more of Rebecca’s tortures during those horrible days she was locked in the room and see the thoughts and desperation that brought her to agree to such an awful condition.
| Fierce.Imagination 6/25/11 . chapter 3
I really like how this is progressing. Poor girl, she's living through hell. I wish more people would speak up about situations like that, instead of thinking 'then what?', because anything is better than that. Besides, I have a bad feeling about this whole move thing.
| Fierce.Imagination 6/25/11 . chapter 1
First of all: WOW. Your writing skills and style are absolutely beautiful. I was blown away by the beauty of your sentences and the way the flawed one after another smoothly had blown me away by the second paragraph of this. Honestly, you're very talented and your writing seems very mature and professional. And I don't say it often.
I just found this story and since I have a thing for student-teacher plots, for some reason, decided to give it a try. Well, I’m certainly very impressed and I can't wait to see your spin on the unconventional relationship. I'm all for the age gap (agreed on the twenty-three year old teacher) and I love the dilemma and scandalous core of this issue.
| emily 6/23/11 . chapter 9
Oh, you're back! Great chapter. Yes, a little cliche, but a little cliche never hurt anyone. Loving it so far, keep it up!
| Dr. Self Destruct 6/23/11 . chapter 5
Gosh, it seems like Rebecca's situation just keeps getting worse and worse. At least now she has a chance to get something to eat. I'm glad you bring Lucia back into this chapter because I was beginning to wonder what she might think if she knew Phelan was keeping Rebecca hostage (which of course she would have to know, considering how much she's in the house with them). It seems like she's almost as much of a prisoner as Rebecca, though the bars on her cage aren't as defined. I can definitely understand her reasoning for not helping Rebecca out, as much as I was silently urging her to do so. People like Phelan, if they have their influences in the right places, can destroy a person like Lucia's hopes of finding a decent job, if any job at all. From the way she fears Phelan, I almost wonder if he hasn't done something to Lucia before which makes her so scared.
Ugh, I can't imagine the type of people that would attend one of these parties. It's so terrible, and yet what's even worse is knowing that something like this could definitely be going on somewhere in the world. It's kinda scary how common it is for young women to be sold into sexual trafficking, or in a situation similar to Rebecca's. Where before when you were worried this situation might seem a bit far-fetched, I actually felt the opposite - I think it's frightening how real Rebecca's predicament can be, as well as eye-opening.
I have to admit, I'm disliking Phelan more and more with each passing chapter. Everything he says makes me want to fume. You do a good job at making him despicable by his mere dialogue alone.
Go Dan, go! I'm so glad he's catching on to Rebecca's situation. I was going to cry if he didn't realize something fishy was going on. I felt like the person sitting in the movie theater yelling at the characters to turn around and see the killer standing behind them - I wonder what he's planning on doing now that he's nearly certain of his suspicions. Dan doesn't come off as a very assertive person... I really hope he comes through and helps Rebecca out of that hellhole.
| beverlyamethyst16 6/23/11 . chapter 9
Okay for your questions, it IS a little cliche. But not bad.
I liked Dan and Sophies scene, well maybe LIKED isnt the right word. It was very sad.
Please keep writing!
| Stephanie Moore 6/22/11 . chapter 6
"I'm even glad you came— I couldn't being myself to tell dear old Roge..."
I think you mean "bring" in place of "being."
Oh. I like the new implications that Dan has a taste for young girls. It makes for some interesting conflict (and helps to explain Rebecca's sustained distrust of him despite his attempts to explain the truth to her.) That angioplasty thing really does something for it.
Oh, it's so unfair that she doesn't hear him out!
Nice Romeo and Juliet reference, btw.
"I never thought I'd end here!"
Do you mean end up here?
I don't know if you made any changes to their actual conversation, but I like it better this time around than the first time I read it. All in all, I think things were believable.
Many thanks for providing a suitable distraction from my literature paper. Good revisions work and best of luck writing your next chapter!
| Stephanie Moore 6/22/11 . chapter 5
"And then you and your darling brother can go on the streets can become real streetwalkers."
I think there's a typo somewhere in this sentence.
"It didn't matter; no amount of perfumed baths or Chanel make up could restore the shattered false glow she'd worn so long in time for tonight."
I love what you're trying to do with this sentence, but I feel like this sentence is a little cluttered. I'm sorry that I can't be more specific, but I'm having trouble putting my finger on what is bugging me.
"Dan looked out the window to see the quarter mile of driveway which separated Phelan's front gate from his house, a magnificent quarter mile that left Dan in awe . Lawn tastefully adorned with a mixture of modern fountains and refined marble vases from which thick, prolific ivy sprouted, the front yard alone showcased its owner's knack for bring together youthful vitality with traditional aristocratic roots of the old."
Your period is misplaced after the first sentence. Then that introductory phrase to the second sentence makes it feel like a fragment.
I like your characterizations of the people at the party. Your descriptions of the four groups really gives the reader a good idea of what the party looks like.
I like the new version of this chapter. It really does Dan justice, and I like his growing suspicion about Rebecca's presence in the house. Lots of improvements that helped the progression of this scene. Good job on the revision.
| Superslow Jellyfish 6/22/11 . chapter 9
Whoo Atlantic Ocean! *Breaks out into an East Coast rendition of California Gurls, then a robot's head explodes due to the paradox of it all.
Okay, Jen is the witticism guru here. Where I lived Cheesecake factory is one of the good restaurants for some reason. Outback is also considered good. I love that conversation, since they ended up at Starbucks. Let me repeat that. Starbucks! I love irony in conversations like these. I really, really do.
"Something stirred in her belly, but maybe it was just hunger."
Me: 0_0 oh snap, Rebecca...Okay, this is the indicating sentence right here that sort of propels her feelings for Dan. Or at least the undertones of it. I love when Romance is played at that angle. We're finally going to get a glimpse of this in the future.
Just saying, please put a warning label in this chapter for the waffles described (which I had an unquenchable addiction to formerly). I'm hungry now and it's like 10:30 EST.
I liked Dan's backstory/Sophie dying and whatnot, since I didn't really see it coming that she died from a miscarriage and Dan blames himself for it. Rebecca's backstory actually flowed fluidly and I was pretty much eager to see which parent would outdo the other in their insults. They're like Colt's parents on 'roids, holy snap. I hate so sound so irrelevant, but this Weeds (tv show, I swear) Ad was on and I have a (it does not start) humongous crush on the guy, but the interplay of the argument and violence made me forget about Weeds till now. So don't be too hard on yourself, since it came off as ironic and fundamental to Tom's character. I mean, you grow up with two destructive parents...do the math. Poor Rebecca, again. She's never going to get her break. Or any break.
"I was accepted off the waitlist into my parents' dream school for me."-Hooray! I've been at all three at different points (rejected, accepted, waitlisted-for forgetting to send in my rec letters, though, does that count?) and it's awesome to be accepted! Though the double planning works in a bad way, coming from me. That's pretty much how my May was spent for me. Congrats again!
I'll root for you to finish this summer, because frankly, that's my goal, too.
| Stephanie Moore 6/22/11 . chapter 4
"The size of the bed didn't pose as a huge problem, however, for the only other furnishing in the room were a wooden vanity and an end table on which sat a tulip lamp with lampshades in the same color as the drapes."
Furnishing should be plural.
So creepy. Now that he is not even "officially" adopting her, the fact that he invites her to call him "daddy" is beyond disturbing.
"Despite being fluent in English, Lucia was ever so delighted in Rebecca's awkward attempts at Spanish..."
You can delight in and be delighted with. So, shouldn't it be "ever so delighted with."
I like how intelligent your dialogue is. You have some wonderful literary references sprinkled through here. Your inner geek is delightful. Now if these were car mechanics spouting these facts, it might be less realistic(not that there aren't any intelligent car mechanics out there.) But these are teachers, it makes sense that they are smart and have intelligent humors.
Unfortunately, I wish I could remember more of the original chapter so I could provide a more effective comparison.
I do like this chapter, though. I wouldn't worry about too much about realism. You're totally allowed to take some liberty with your plot.
| Prisim 6/22/11 . chapter 9
Wow I intently dislike Phelan. I hope that dirty old freak is going to get whats coming to him! Not quite sure what to think about Dan just yet. On one hand he comes off just as perverse in his desire of a teenage girl but on the other hand he has genuine concern for her. I'll be interested to see what route you ultimately go with him.
As for Rebecca herself, on one hand I think she's being a complete moron for not going to the police but at the same time I can see why she wouldn't. Its hard to speak out for help when in a situation that crappy! Lots of kids who are abused refuse to tell anyone because they blame themselves so that is very realistic.
Good job! Keep it up!