Hey again! I felt like reading this just for the heck of it. (No return reviews for this one, please.)

I found the whole conversation between Roger Phelan and Rebecca quite entertaining to read. It was like an exchange of evil pleasantries for some reason.

But I felt weirded out with Dan and Rebecca's conversation. I felt like, if I were in Rebecca's place, it would've been really, really awkward. Haha!

Yours,

PT.

Hm, this isn't the kind of story I would read since I'm not exactly fond of these kinds of topics, but you delivered it well with your word choice and the emotions you used. They weren't too exaggerated, and they seemed like they belonged to actual, living people and not just people you read from a story.

Well, I was just thinking on how you could've put a bit more background before jumping off to the point how Dan was attracted to Rebecca. Actually, it's okay that your first chapter was straight-to-the-point, and some questions which formed in my head while reading the first chapter were fairly answered before the chapter ended. Maybe when I read the next chapters, I'll see more background and stuff.

I also found the Freudian slip reference quite humourous. It pretty much supplied the rest of the humour through the next parts.

Yours,

PT.

P.S. This the returned review for your review on Vanilla Mochi. Thanks so much for your kind words. :)

...yeah anyway the connection I got between the Spelenda and the not real sugar was that, the happiness Rebecca showed was not real. And so your references allowing me to think further about their implications is another like because it makes me feel smart and makes me want to continue reading.

I liked the explanation of the Crucible, now if I ever want to read the story I know what it's about XD.

I also liked that you applied the aspects of the Crucible to your story, it provided a plot point and possible foreshadowing to the future.

I also also liked the reference to Splenda, might I add Splenda is not real sugar? And so th

Sorry for not reviewing 5 or 7 I just noticed I never reviewed this chapter so it seems like a good place to start.

I liked Roger, his aura of control along with his actions such as locking Rebecca in the situation where he could adopt her, are great examples of characterization. I also liked the character of Jennifer, although her initial description depicts her as a responsible adult, she shows another more mysterious aspect when she suggest for Dan to go downstairs. It gives her a sort of double edgedness, and sort of makes her a kind of secondary love interest.

Whoa boy,is he doing what I think he's doing?

Guess I'll find out in the next chapter but still...

Granted it happens fair amount of times on anime but whoa.

[its owner's knack for bring together]

[What is this, a social studies lesson?] - I can't get over how much that scene creeps me. I guess that's a compliment to you, in a way, since you probably meant it to be a little creepy.

Aw, Dan lost his former girlfriend? (or wife?). Poor guy. Call me sappy, but at this point, I want to see him save Rebecca from the creep and ride off into the sunset with her.

And I want to see Phelan get arrested now.

I really felt with Rebecca in this chapter ;3;

There are things about this story, plot and characterization wise, that I really like. I have to admit that there are also things about it that I don’t like. I quite enjoy the slow development of Dan’s infatuation with Rebecca. You are handling the whole student/teacher plot really well so far, you haven’t rushed into anything which I would suspect from some stories I find on this site. What I’m not a huge fan of is Rebecca’s back story. It just seems a little…cliché? She’s the perfect student who is pretty but has this hard home life where she is an orphan and her brother beats her. I don’t know, I’ve just read it before and because of that reason I don’t really care about her as a character. There is nothing really interesting about her yet.

On the other hand I want to compliment you on the quality of your writing. Even though I wasn’t interested in one of the main characters and some of the plot made me cringe, I kept on reading and will keep on reading. There is something about your writing that really pulled me into the story, so I really enjoyed reading the parts between Dan and Rebecca the most. You’re very strong when it comes to telling a story, it’s just parts of the story that I don’t fully agree with or like.

“…Why did her brother have to be so damned loud?…”

I think it’s just damn, but damned.

“…Thomas bellowed into the phone before slamming it down…”

I would have liked to see more of a physical description of Thomas in this dialog tag. What does his face do when he bellows? Does he turn red, scrunch up his face? Anything like that?

“…Arielle muttered determinedly…”

Try to avoid using a lot of words that end in an -ly, especially in dialog tags. I personally think ‘Arielle muttered with determination’ sounds a lot smoother.

Hmm. I’m not sure how I feel about this thing that Rebecca has been forced into. I don’t know, to me it just doesn’t feel that realistic. Her brother actually lives with himself after knowing her sister is working to pay off his debts? She wouldn’t report Phelan, considering how much trouble he could get into if authorities found out? It’s just really creepy. Haha. I’m not going to make any judgements until I read more of this story, though.

Other then that, your writing was really clean and easy to read, which I really enjoyed.

Hmm. So, I know I've been kind of skipping around a bit. I realized after a while, that I had read bits and pieces of this story. I have to say that the earlier chapters were way different than the latter ones. I get the impression that you didn't know which direction to take this story. For what I remember about the first chapter, it seemed kind of ordinary-with no indication of abuse. In Chapter 3 (Or maybe Chapter 2, I don't know) It kind of turns in an unexpected direction, and than it Chapter 4 it gets extremely outlandish. Although I enjoy reading this story; it lacks coherence.

The chapter itself, wasn't nearly as good as the chapters after it. I consider that a good thing. Over the course of seven chapters, you have obviously improved as a writer. Compared to later chapters, you describe your characters emotions less. The beating scene, compared to the almost sex scene in chapter 6, is far less suspenseful and emotionally impacting. I feel as though it would have been more interesting if you presented Thomas the way you present the other characters like Walters and Phelan. That being said, it wasn't bad! You still did a really good job.

I enjoy all of your characters. Walters is my favorite. He seems the most developed/realistic to me. I don't have much to say about Rebecca, but I do like Mr. Phelan. I like how you presented him as charming yet condescending. I hope you continue this story.

Happy writing! Kristin

Okay, so I spotted a major plot hole in Chapter 4. Lucia. Would she really go along with Phelen's scheme, if she cared about Rebecca as shown? Why would she even agree to be that loser's housekeeper in the first place? It kind of throws the whole thing off now that I think about it.

[She choked on his name, despite having articulated the same exact words so many times before. Rebecca couldn't think of the man in front of her as Mr. Waters; the Waters she fondly recalled would never come to a place like this. This man was a stranger, the way the atomic bomb would be unrecognizable to Marie Curie, who knew only the potential health benefits of radium. Inadvertently, Rebecca pinched the skin between her thumb and forefinger, first creating little pink crescents in her skin, and then drawing blood. Because she must be dreaming, because everything was too sharp, too lucid for a normal dream, because it wasn't supposed to hurt when she pinched herself in a dream; because she could feel the tears stinging her eyes.] You capture her shock and grief extremely well! I'm very impressed.

[Dan swallowed. At that moment in time, he could not think of an uglier term in the English language. Rebecca suggested they copulate—they might as well eat each other's throw up next. Knees weak, he sat down at the edge of her bed, his back to her. "I don't want to…copulate, and neither do you. Trust me." He tried to keep his voice steady, wondering if it betrayed the flood of new thoughts rushing through his brain. At her suggestion, his mind ventured to thoughts he dared not consider before. That purely biological term, copulate, was a poor, callous name created for the purpose of downplaying the humanity and passion key behind the deepest of human intimacies.] I like this paragraph. I like how you described his reaction to the thing.

I can't really say much about this chapter, except that I enjoyed reading it a lot. The omniscient POV works well. I love how you describe your characters emotions. It gives the story a special edge. I also like Walters. He seems like a nice guy. Considering that I did not read the chapter before this, I'm a little confused as to why Walters is there.

I like the dialog. It flows very well.

["Fathers don't do this to their daughters!" she called weakly, hypocritically, attempting one last time to get out of her hopeless situation.

She heard a chuckle. The door in between her and Phelan could not muffle his cold amusement. "Well, you never did call me daddy, did you?"] I like these two paragraphs, because it ties the beginning and the end together.

["You don't want Roge to compare you to Oedipus again, do you? That's his polite way of calling you a motherfucker, you know."

"I teach Oedipus Rex. I know."] I also like these line. I like the references to American History and literature...it makes the story feel more realistic.

You are, unlike me, good at keeping the plot moving forward. The pacing of this story is fast, but it isn't rushed. Even though the plot in this chapter is a bit outlandish, it managed to keep me interested.

I also like the dialog between Phelan and Rebecca. I like how you made Phelan speak in a unique way. Even if he is the villain, at least he has personality.

I don't have anything bad to say about this chapter, besides the things you mentioned in the footer.

[That trademark smell of unnaturally moist hamburger buns reminiscent of expired lipstick, at once revolting and strangely enticing, sent her nose aquiver as she walked in.] I like this description :)

[Waiting for her order, Rebecca considered her options for spending the night. ] While waiting for her order OR As she waited for her order

[Thomas shared with his sister genes that coded for an unimpressive height.] Kind of an awkward sounding sentence. I had to read it twice.

Overall interesting story! I enjoyed read it a lot! I'm glad I decided to read this story for multi-chapter review. I can't comment much on the story, but I will say that it held my interest. You develop the relationship between Rebecca and Thomas pretty well. The writing, also, is very good. Throughout most of the story, I felt as though I was reading published material :]

Okay, so what's missing from review 1...

She nearly died laughing when she was reading over Mr. Water's comments. - I'm thinking this should be past perfect, too. Since she's not laughing right now as she's sitting in front of him. I hope.

And I think that's all that got chopped off there.

Review 2:

He didn't expect to keep to her words, either. - I think you're missing a word here. "He didn't expect her to keep to her words, either." And I'm thinking it should be "hadn't expected", since he obviously knows better now.

she let out a ragged chortle of giggles that gave way to tears—or is it the other way around? - or was it the other way around? Or else you've got another tense break. Gosh, I'm nitpicky, sorry. I'm just so used to hunting these things down in my own writing.

And the rest of review number 3:

"Is it just me or is it kind of wet outside?" I only wanted to say that I really like this line, it made me grin. This is probably just me being nitpicky (again), but "Rebecca visibly stiffened; she caught his drift." I think you don't need the part of the sentence after the ;. First you show that she caught his drift and then you tell it. Your writing is strong enough to not need so much telling.

"At his touch, she stilled and slowly looked up into his eyes Her face was unguarded; " You're missing a period? Very intense moment here, though.

Ouch, that was harsh. ( Salem Witch Trials)

"a tenth of the money they get monthly from their parents' trust." got, if you don't want to break tense. If you do, don't mind me.

You really got me wondering what exactly Phelan hopes to get out of this adoption...

All in all, I like your writing. I love that you stick to 3rd person limited and you execute it well. You made me like both Dan and Rebecca, even though I wasn't expecting to like Rebecca. (I guess I was a little prejudiced about Teacher/Student relationships, expecting some naive pretty high schooler). Instead you made her into a strong character that's not just a love interest, but an actual person. And you managed to make Dan NOT creepy, even though he's into someone who could be his daugther, age-wise.

So, well done :)